Friends and Family Page #7

some drag queens around here?

Come on.

Excuse me.

You know where we could find

some drag queens?

Girlfriend,

if you have to ask.

I have never seen

such a gorgeous cake.

How did you-

uh, uh, uh,

you, I mean

all of you.

Oh, my God!

Look at what I've done.

I've ruined

your beautifuI cake.

Don't worry, Mama.

Don't worry.

But it was a work

of art.

It was perfect.

Then you did

the right thing.

We don't want

to offend the gods.

In ancient Persia,

whenever an artist

created something,

he would include a flaw

on purpose, because

only the gods are supposed

to be perfect.

And so, today,

we introduce a flaw

into something

that otherwise would be perfect,

and we say it is

so as not to offend the gods.

Mr. Torcelli, a speech.

I'm going to go home

and change this dress.

Okay, sweetheart.

Just a few words.

I'm not prepared for this.

Go ask him.

No,

you go ask him.

Come on, Leo.

No,

you ask him.

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, any drag queens

around here?

Sure.

There's a place

two blocks down.

It's called

Jacqueline's.

You can't miss it.

You have a good time,

all right?

Right.

To be honest, nothing

could possibly prepare me

for tonight.

It's been quite an evening,

and I'll remember it

for as long as-

Don't move!

Put your hands up!

Hands up!

Mom?

Dad?

What's going on?

You too, Damon, honey.

Put your hands up!

Mrs. Jennings.

Now, let's not have

any trouble here.

Now, just put

the gun down.

Don't take another step!

I will shoot;

I swear it.

Nobody's going

to shoot anybody.

We all know that.

Right, Damon?

Right.

Okay, see?

No guns.

Now, why don't you just take

the two of us

and let everyone else go.

Eat sh*t.

Mother!

She never used language

like that at home.

Cuff those two.

Sorry, dear.

Are you done yet, dear?

Yes, yes, dear.

Thank you.

You are all prisoners of war

in the second war

for American independence!

Our goaI is to liberate

our country

from the occupying

federaI army,

of which that man...

is a high-ranking officer.

While in our custody,

you will be treated humanely

in accordance with the laws

of the Geneva Convention.

In the meantime...

we will submit

a list of our demands

to your government.

Now, do you see

what we had to do

to these two?

That's because

they're troublemakers.

Anybody else here

a troublemaker?

Anybody else

need to be handcuffed?

Okay, men!

Round 'em up!

Herd 'em in!

Just like the pigs

and heifers at home.

Let's go.

Does Danny always carry

a gun?

Catering business,

very competitive.

What about the guys

in the kitchen?

Do you think-

Will you stop that?

Stop it!

Hands up, ladies,

let's go.

All right, move it!

Move it!

Come on, Matt.

Come on..

I want you

to check out the video room.

Check out the video room.

Make sure it's ready.

Now, just settle down.

Settle down,

nice and easy.

Nice and easy.

That's good.

What the hell kind

of party is this?

Oh!

Stephen, drag queens.

Who are they?

Bunch of big, ugly women.

They all just showed up.

You owe us big-time, white boys.

Come on, girls!

Come on.

Hey, hey,

what are you doing?

Take it easy, Martin.

Did you arrange

for there to be drag queens?

Uh-uh.

Don't look at me.

Is the video ready?

Okay, then.

Upsy daisy,

Senator.

Let's skedaddle.

Just follow me.

Keep an eye on him!

Great.

They have the senator.

Now what do we do?

God, this is worse

than a government party.

Would you watch

what you're doing?

I'm walking as fast as I can

in these things.

I'm not used to cleats.

What is your name?

Richard, be quiet.

These guys

are serious.

Oh, they think they're all that,

but they're all just cretins.

Do you hear me? Cretins!

Richard, you need-

I need?

I need?

It's they

who need something.

It starts with "p"

and ends with "rozac. "

Shh!

Oh.

Great party.

Richard, even if

our dinner hadn't-

why did you teach our men

to act...

Queenie.

Queenie.

Queenie?

Queenie!

Gods!

The internalized homophobia

you two carry around with you

is so toxic.

It really isn't healthy.

I, at least,

have some pride in myself.

I have dignity.

It's the costume I wore

to the party.

I didn't change

because I rushed over here.

I didn't want to miss

one fun-filled minute.

Look what I won at the raffle.

They're autographed

by all the Yankees.

Jealous.

When I think

of that poor dog all alone,

wondering what's

taking us so long,

he must be in agony.

Damon?

How long

have your parents been leaders

in the militia community?

Don Patrizzi, I don't know

what's wrong with them.

Whatever it is, it happened

after I moved away.

They used to be

the nicest, sweetest people.

I mean, when

the Sicilian Rescue League

asked them to take me,

they said "yes" right away.

The what Rescue League?

Sicilian.

You know, from Sicily.

My birth parents were killed

there in the big earthquake

when I was two,

and the League brought me here.

And my parents adopted me.

I wasn't supposed

to tell you that.

Jenny?

Remember that...

thing I wasn't supposed to talk

to your parents about?

So...

you're Sicilian.

What do you think

about what Richard said?

You think we have

internalized homophobia?

I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe

I need to do this kind of work,

something really tough,

you know, really manly

to almost make up for being gay.

What about you?

It was something we did

together.

I saw how much you liked it,

how happy you were.

I'm so sorry, Danny.

Why, Stephen?

Why?

If not for me,

everything would be different.

Stephen, I'm happy.

I'm with you.

Come on;

listen to me.

I'm happy.

Here he is!

So the canary sang.

Here's your Benedict Arnold

of the federal occupying army.

There you go.

Cover him, boys.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

What'd they make you do

in there?

They made me read

this statement,

and they videotaped it.

They're going to send it

to the police.

Did I tell you

no talking?

Get up!

Get over there.

Just get over there!

You know, once the police

get that tape,

there'll be 500 cops

all over this place.

That's 500 fingers

on 500 triggers.

All we need

is one rookie to panic.

Let's end this.

She looked right at me

and said,

"Just because

somebody's dead

doesn't mean

they've changed. "

Mmm.

Richard, we need

your balls.

I've wanted this for years,

and now you ask me?

Just give me

the baseballs.

I've only got one left.

I gave the other one away.

Who'd you give it to?

Him.

The senator's aide.

Do you think he's cute?

You're cruising

during a hostage situation?

What is the matter

with you?

The really hot one

is the one right there,

baby.

Buns of steel.

Bruno.

What?

We could all die tonight.

If they want to kill me,

they're going to have

to rape me first.

Something big is going down.

And someone better tell us

what it is.

Saffron, go find out.

I don't want to go over there

and get all disrespected.

What if he don't want

to tell me?

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