Friends With Benefits Page #7

- He's not a girl.

- He smells like a girl.

- You smelled him?

- I wanna buy marshmallows.

- What did you say?

- For Montauk this weekend.

I wanna do a campfire,

like when you were little.

Okay.

- And then we're gonna look for sticks.

- I hear you. Sticks.

And then we're gonna sing. We're gonna...

Just hold on a second.

Okay.

Okay.

What's up?

Do you think guys care more

about global warming

or how to wear white pants to a cookout?

We/I, that depends.

Do you have a hot model in a bikini

standing on an icecap?

No. Ski slope.

I'd still go with pants to a cookout.

Yeah, me, too.

How's your boy Parker?

Still staring at trees?

Two coffees.

Yeah, he's still looking up at trees,

but this time it's

actually in my apartment.

- It's the fifth date already?

- Maybe. Thank you.

Did you guys "fifth-date""?

- How dare you! A lady never tells.

- I know. That's why I'm asking you.

Hey. I gotta go. You have a great

trip in LA and call me when you land.

Okay.

Parker.

Hey.

I got us coffees.

Nonfat, one sugar, one Splenda.

- I gotta get going.

- What?

I thought you weren't on call today.

I'm not, but I got that thing...

I got stuff.

This... They just called me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

The sneak-out.

How incredibly clich of you.

I just...

I don't think I can be

your Prince Charming.

God, you totally didn't get

anything that I was saying, did you?

- No, no, no. I think you're great.

- Yeah, you, too.

Hey, you know what?

You and I should stay friends.

- Really?

- No, go f*** yourself.

Who sleeps standing up?

You know, you'd be really proud of me.

I didn't even blink

when I told him to go f*** himself.

- You did just then, though.

- This does not count. I'm not in the moment.

I don't know, maybe I suck in bed.

Trust me, you don't suck in bed.

- Thank you.

- So needy.

Hey, maybe the guy's married or something.

No, did a background check at work.

Single, no criminal history,

credit report 720.

Background check. Did you do one on me?

How could you possibly

max out an Old Navy card?

After college I was

really into cargo pants.

Dylan, I gotta stop thinking it's not me.

- I mean, it's gotta be me.

- It's not you.

Nothing is wrong with you.

He's a guy.

You gave him a five-date challenge,

he got you and cutout. Forget the douche.

He's a dick. He's a dick-douche.

Go have fun with your mom.

- Okay.

- Almost forgot. I got you something.

It's Lieutenant Kali,

the street artist we talked about.

I got him to do something for you.

"F-tale." Fairytale.

- I know you're into that girly sh*t, so...

- This is so cool.

Dylan, that's actually really sweet.

- It's cool, right?

- Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, I'm gonna need to borrow cab fare.

I'm not taking that thing on the subway.

I don't wanna get rolled.

No problem.

As long as you get your feet off my bed.

They're disgusting.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Why are you doing that?

You're an animal. Stop doing that.

An animal. Stop.

Hey, Ma.

Ma. Come on, we gotta get on the road.

Come on.

Ma?

Why did I think that

this time would be any different?

- Come with me to LA.

- What?

What else are you gonna do?

It's 4th of July, everybody's left the city.

You're very sweet for

asking, but it's fine.

You know what, I'll just stay here.

I'll be fine alone.

I know you'll be fine alone.

You're not a baby in a hot car.

I'm actually asking you to come

because it would help me.

You'd be a great distraction for my family.

They'd forget all about

drilling me for being single.

Won't they think that we're together?

- Not if I tell them we're not.

- And they'll believe you?

Yeah, we're one of these crazy families

that doesn't lie to each other.

PBS is doing a documentary on us.

Come on, they'll love you.

All fast-talking and brusque,

like I'm bringing home a carny.

You're really nice to ask,

but I'm just gonna stay here.

Go to the gym.

I just got you a ticket with my miles,

it's done. Meet me at JFK.

- But...

- No buts.

- Like you were gonna go to the gym.

- I wasn't.

LA's so nice.

And everyone's so genuine and level-headed.

Thanks for this. You're good peeps.

You're the good peeps, dude.

You haven't met my family.

You don't know what you're in for.

Okay.

You know these planes

pretty much land themselves?

Nobody cares. You sound like an a**hole.

She's from New York.

I'm sorry.

Wow. This looks normal.

It is.

Thank you.

Wow, you grew up here?

It was my grandfather's.

He bought it

when there was nothing else here.

My dad and my sister

and her son live here now.

Why would you move to New York?

I was conned by some headhunter.

- You're here.

- Sammy!

Hey, Uncle Dylan.

What's up, buddy?

How are you?

Jamie, this is my nephew,

Sam the Magnificent.

- Hello.

- May I offer you a light for your cigarette?

I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Just pretend. He's a magician.

Of course I'll have a cigarette.

Smoking is great for you.

- Wow. Thank you, good sir.

- My pleasure, my lady.

Oh, my God. I got it, I got it.

Sammy. I got it, I got it.

Just stay still. I got it, I got it.

Sammy! Are you okay?

All part of the illusion.

- Jet Skis later?

- Definitely.

Still into magic, huh?

Yep. But I'll take that over him

sexting his friends any day.

- Dilbert!

- Banannie.

Jamie, this is my sister, Annie.

- Hi.

- Thank you for having me.

Oh, please.

It's nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.

- We're just friends.

- Oh, no, I know.

If you were his girlfriend,

he never would've brought you here.

- This one has intimacy issues.

- I know.

- Dylan.

- Dad.

- Dylan. Oh, man.

- Hey.

- How you doing, buddy?

- I'm good.

I miss you guys, but I'm good.

Dede Spencer?

Jamie. Dylan's friend.

- I'm sorry. I...

- That's okay.

No, for a minute you reminded me

of a girl I used to know.

- No, that's okay. It happens.

- Nice to meet you.

Pleasure meeting you.

You have a beautiful house.

Thank you.

Pool's a little cold,

but it's very expensive to heat, so...

I think I'm gonna goin

and check the tide tables

'cause I'm gonna take the boat out

early in the morning.

- You should come.

- I would love to.

We sold the boat.

The doctor doesn't want you

driving the boat any more.

- Turning to mush.

- No.

It's good to see you, buddy.

- Nice to meet you.

- It was nice meeting you, too.

- Jamie. See?

- Yes.

- What's with the pants?

- He doesn't like them any more.

He's getting worse.

It's so good to have you here.

Go show her the beach.

- Let me show you the beach. Come on.

- Okay.

- Go, get sandy. Get all messed up.

- Okay.

Dylan never told me about your dad.

Yeah, it's been tough on him.

They were real close.

Dylan doesn't quite know

how to deal with the Alzheimer's.

I'm sorry.

He'll be his regular old self

and everything seems fine,

and then just in a flash, he's gone.

- That's Dylan when he was nine.

- Are those braids?

He was going through a Kris Kross phase.

Remember them?

- Is that your mom?

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