Friends With Benefits Page #8

- No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.

He had a stutter.

It got real bad when he was nervous.

He had a rough childhood.

- His math tutor called it "character-building."

- Math tutor?

No, we're talking, like,

But he's very visual, thank God.

- Can you please explain to me this photo?

- That is my 12th-birthday surprise party.

- Hey.

- Amazing moment.

I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed.

- Jamie, you all good with your room?

- Yeah. No, it's perfect.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Sammy and I built a saw-a-girl-in-half box,

so just be careful on your way to bed.

- He's not using a real saw, is he?

- Of course he is. He's magnificent.

I'll make sure he brushes his teeth,

and you, don't believe anything she says.

She's a liar.

- He's a pretty special guy.

- Yeah, I think so.

- Jamie. Hey.

- Hey.

- You up?

- Yeah. Come in.

- I thought you were going to bed.

- I was.

But then I realized

we were both single again, so...

- Dude, no.

- Why not?

I washed my hands. With soap this time.

Are you serious?

Why would you just assume?

You cracked your neck on the porch.

This thing. That's your tell, remember?

I cracked my neck

because we were on a flight for six hours,

and you were yapping my ear off

about how planes all fly themselves,

and it actually kinked my neck a bit.

- So, no?

- No. Not having sex with you.

Is it your special time?

They have an app for that. No, wait.

- Nope, you're good to go.

- We talked about this.

- Plus, I just got dumped, so...

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I thought this would be a good way

to take your mind off him.

No, I don't function that way.

Sex is not gonna help.

But you know what will? Emotional support.

Before we were sex without emotion,

and now we're emotion without sex.

Exactly.

I just need you to be my friend right now.

Okay. So I'll listen to you

while you give me a hand job.

- No.

- I'm kidding. I got it. Good night.

Wait, hold on! Friends can still hang out

and, I don't know, listen to music.

Listen to music?

I'm gonna kill Annie.

- I can't believe you used to like them.

- I didn't like these guys.

I don't even remember...

And then there's something,

I don't know what he says right there...

Are you kidding me?

These dudes were da bomb.

Everybody had Girbauds,

we all wore them backwards.

The baseball jerseys.

I went as Kris Kross

three years in a row for Halloween.

- Oh, you poor kid.

- I'm not proud of it.

Hey, I borrowed one of your books.

I hope that's okay.

Like this.

No.

Surprise!

Have you really never brought

a girl home before?

I brought you here.

I mean like a real girl. Not a friend.

- A real girl?

- Yeah.

I guess not.

- Separation of church and state.

- Ah, yes.

Build up as many walls as possible.

That's really healthy.

- What, are you talking to me about walls?

- Yeah.

What about you and your mom?

You couldn't get me out of there fast

enough when she walked in on us.

That was for your own protection. Okay?

I'm just surprised she didn't try

to slip you her number or something.

She did. She put it in my phone.

- Under "MILF."

- Oh, my God.

It's cool, we only hooked up, like, twice.

I'm starting to get a mental image.

Well, I have a video image.

No. Just stop it. Just stop it.

Just wrong.

What?

Nothing. Just glad I met you.

Yeah, well, knowing you

doesn't suck either.

- But I thought you said...

- I know what I said.

God.

Lasorda was a good pitcher,

but he was an even better manager.

- Wrecking Crew?

- I wasn't saying he's not a great manager.

He's underappreciated as a pitcher,

that's all I'm saying.

We get it. Guys.

- Hi.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- Is it always this beautiful out here?

Well, in between the fires and the floods,

we get about 10 good days.

No, no. Here. You two sit together.

- Are you sure?

- Oh, yeah, no, no.

- You don't have to do that, Dad.

- I know. I wanna look at the boat.

I love that boat.

- Here. Sorry.

- Great. Thanks.

Here.

Thank you. This... Okay.

- Coffee, my lady?

- Yes, please.

Thank you.

- All right, man!

- Look at you!

- That's pretty impressive.

- Yay, Sammy!

All right!

Oh, buddy. Your shirt's leaking.

Oh, no, that's...

Apologies.

Here.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

- You?

- Yeah.

- See them, Sammy?

- Yeah.

- Pretty cool, huh?

- Yeah.

God, it's nice.

I do miss the mornings out here.

Right before it burns off, it really is beautiful.

I like Jamie.

And she's pretty, too.

Hey, easy, dude.

Don't you go casting a spell on her.

I'm a magician, not a wizard.

You and your gay Harry Potter.

You can't deny that going to Hogwarts

wouldn't be life-changing.

- I miss you.

- I miss you, too, bud.

Mom misses you. And so does Grandpa.

Does he say anything?

No. But sometimes he calls me Dylan.

He said that he didn't want the job.

That he was just coming to New York

to explore his options.

What a crock of gas.

You fly across the country

to explore your options?

Please. I don't think so.

Exactly! Please, I knew I had him

the second he got off that plane.

- Oh, did you, now?

- Yeah.

Was that the same second you leapt

onto the baggage carousel barefoot

and acted out a scene from Will and Grace?

- She did?

- Oh, yeah, you should have seen her.

"Look at me, I'm goofy but cute."

You know what? It was all part of my plan.

Quite a plan.

Did you major in Planning

at Headhunting College?

- So clever.

- It's not a real college, by the way, buddy.

You guys bicker like

you're an old married couple.

Here, pick a card, my lady.

Okay.

Oh, no, not that one. The one on top.

- This is a good one.

- So...

- Yeah?

- Shuffle.

Did you get her an engagement gift?

We're not engaged, Dad. We're not together.

We're just friends.

All right, you don't wanna label it.

I understand. But get her some jewelry.

The only thing your mom loves is jewelry.

I don't care how upset she is,

I get her jewelry, she lights right up.

Where is she, anyway?

- She's not here, Dad.

- I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?

- She's not coming.

- Why not?

She doesn't live with you any more, Pop.

You're not married.

- What?

- She left about 10 years ago.

I don't understand.

She divorced you, Dad.

- I have to call her.

- Dad, you can't.

Stop telling me what to do.

Get your...

Grandpa!

Dylan, get...

- You okay, Dad?

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Here, let me help you up.

- No, don't. Don't!

Here we are.

This is beautiful.

Yeah, this is where I used to

come to think. My rooftop.

Okay, how high do you think that fence is?

I'm a little over 6 foot.

Looks like it's about three of me.

So six times three...

Ninety-two feet.

- Ninety-two feet. That's really tall, right?

- Yeah.

But they don't want you to get up there,

so I guess that makes sense.

- Wait. Six times three...

- Oh, God, you poor kid.

- What's up?

- Come on.

What? What? Where are you going?

Jamie, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

They take this sh*t seriously, okay?

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