Friends With Benefits Page #9

Look at all the cameras.

This is the only landmark this city has

other than the Scientology Center.

And if any of these cameras are hooked up

to the actual Scientology Center,

that was an inappropriate joke

and I apologize.

I believe in the freedom

of science fiction.

P*ssy! Oh, sorry.

P*ssy!

Come on!

- You really never been up here before?

- No.

I've also never transferred

heroin in my rectum,

'cause it's against the law.

You know, sometimes a simple

yes or no answer is adequate.

Hey, why didn't you tell me about your mom?

She's not worth talking about.

That's rough.

So is leaving your husband and kids.

Yeah, you never told me about him either.

You know, there's a lot of stuff

you didn't tell me.

I don't want your pity.

I can handle anything except

that look in people's eyes.

- That one.

- Who cares what anybody thinks?

He's the smartest man I've ever known.

He's the only person I'd ever go to for advice.

He's my dad.

Dylan, he's still the same man.

When I see the way people

look at him now...

It doesn't matter how people look at him.

All that matters is how you look at him.

Yeah, but he's walking around

without his pants. Everyone's staring.

- So what?

- It's embarrassing.

He needs to know that nothing has changed.

That he's still that same man to you.

Can we stop talking about this?

Yeah, that's really smart.

Let's just not talk about our feelings.

I'm trying not to.

Come on. Is something going on here?

You've been acting really weird.

- No, I haven't.

- Yeah, you have.

Is this about what

happened the other night?

What, sex? That doesn't mean anything.

You know that.

Right.

- And I haven't been acting weird.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, sh*t!

- I told you!

- Well, I'm sorry!

F***!

This is the LAPD. You are trespassing.

Get down from the sign.

We gotta jump.

- Dylan, jump!

- I'm frozen.

Come on, get down!

Sin this is your last warning.

- Use the ladder!

- I have a fear of heights!

And also helicopters!

They don't make sense to me!

What do you mean

you have a fear of heights?

Why would you come up here?

You called me a p*ssy!

A bizarre situation

this afternoon in the Southland.

The LAPD rescued a local man

from the Hollywood sign,

the city's only real landmark.

They actually wrapped

you in a foil blanket!

Did you run a marathon before this?

- Okay. Give me...

- No!

- No, no. I wanna save it. I gotta save it.

- No. That's enough!

- Give me the remote! Shut up!

- No, I wanna watch it over and over.

Foil wrapper...

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

It's okay, it'll be up on YouTube.

Hey, you're still good to take Dad that week I

have to go to DC for Sam's class trip, right?

- Yeah, he's gonna stay with me in New York.

- Oh, good.

So, when are we gonna see Jamie again?

I don't know.

What's your problem?

Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

Why don't you believe me?

I would believe you if

you didn't lie to me.

I saw you creeping out of her room

the other night.

Like you had just had sex,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you

mean, you just said it.

And how do you know

what I look like after I have...

I'm not talking to you about this, okay?

We're not together.

- Dylan.

- Enough! I'm not talking about it.

Dylan.

Forgot my saw. I'll be right back.

I'll wait here. Don't worry about me.

Friends who have sex?

What are you, in college?

- It doesn't matter, it's over.

- Why?

Because we don't like each other like that.

Okay, you know what?

Can we just talk about this? Sit down.

What more are you looking for?

- Who says I'm looking for anything?

- Dylan.

- I don't know, but it's not Jamie.

- Why, because you're great together?

Because you're actually

friends with each other?

Because this is the happiest

I have ever seen you?

I don't know what to tell you. She's not for me.

I don't like her like that.

- You liked her enough to have sex with her.

- It's just physical.

- Like playing tennis.

- I don't even know what that means, Dylan.

I haven't seen you this dumb

since you got that candy corn tattoo.

It's a lightning bolt! With extra powers!

Dylan, you can't name

one thing that's wrong with her.

I can never go out with her.

She's too f***ed up.

Okay, she doesn't want a boyfriend.

She's too damaged.

Magnum P.l. couldn't solve

the sh*t going on in her head.

Wow. You'll say anything right now

not to admit that

you're perfect for each other.

- Why am I still having this conversation?

- Because I'm right.

- Good talk, Annie.

- Dylan.

I don't think the three-point line

would have done anything.

- He was taller than anyone alive.

- No, but it helped Kobe.

- Kobe Bryant is incredible.

- It helped him.

- You're men. You like sports. You're men.

- Scored 81 points. Please.

Hey! We were waiting for you.

I actually got a call from work.

I have to be on a red eye tonight

back to New York.

- Tonight?

- Yeah.

- Tomorrow's the 4th.

- I know, it sucks.

Well, at least let me

drive you to the airport.

No, no. It's fine. Stay.

I already called a cab. It's out front.

But thank you guys for everything.

And thank you for letting me stay here.

It's been pretty great.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Everything okay, buddy?

- Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.

I just really gotta go.

So, thank you again. I'm sorry I gotta go.

- Let Dylan drive you.

- Yeah.

- Do you wanna take some food to go?

- Do you want me to saw you in half?

You can send your bottom part to New York

and your top half can stay here.

Or the whole of you could stay.

Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta go.

Jamie!

She's gone. She hopped in the cab.

- We should eat. You hungry, buddy?

- Yeah.

Okay. Hand me your plate.

Hey, bro. You hungry?

'Cause I'm going to get something to eat.

Thanks, man.

I think I'm just gonna work through lunch.

A work ethic. I love it.

That is why this country is still number one.

Well, behind Germany and France

and Belgium and Japan and China and...

Thank God for Bangladesh.

By the way, why did you take

your door off its lovely hinges?

It was dumb, man.

Something I saw in a management book.

Oh, right, right.

Like, that's how Warren Buffett got rich.

He took doors off of things.

Hey, everybody wants a shortcut in life.

My guidebook is very simple.

You wanna lose weight?

Stop eating, fatty.

You wanna make money?

Work your ass off, lazy.

You wanna be happy?

Find someone you like and never let him go.

Or her, if you're into

that Kind of creepy sh*t.

Hi, you've reached Jamie Rellis.

I can't pick up the phone right now

but please leave a message

and I'll call you back.

Mom, Mom, you gotta point it at the screen.

You gotta tell it where you are.

Fine. I'm over here pouring myself a drink.

Booty call.

I can take a walk around the block.

No, no. Nope, that's okay.

This is your apartment.

I don't wanna twat-block you.

That's Dylan, right?

- He seemed pretty great.

- You met him once.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes