Full Frontal Page #3

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Listen, I'm sorry, | I just thought...

I'm going to be straight | with you, David, OK?

OK,

In three years, | you haven't impressed,

a single person at this agency,

You'll be notified officially | through the mail,

- I'll watch for it, | - OK,

Do you have a girlfriend?

- What? | - Are you involved?

Are you... are you... | What... what are you doing?

Put that chair | against the door.

- Ms, Bright? | - Yeah,

Is this a joke? | 'Cause I'm a good sport.

This is a test of skill | of sorts,

I like you, David, | I'll tell you that right now,

- OK, | - OK?

Yeah.

On one leg... balanced,

You... you are a piece of work, | do you know that?

- OK, | - Good!

- All righty, | - OK,

Now, name all the countries | in Africa.

- Oh! | - One minute,

LINDA:
There's this guy I met | on the internet.

WOMAN:
| Ooh, are we doing this now?

LINDA:
Mm-hmm. He wants me | to meet him in Tucson...

for the weekend. He's a kid.

- In Tucson? | - Mmm.

- You have to try these. | - Do they have sugar?

- No, sugar free. Why Tucson? | - Mmm. He lives near there.

WOMAN:
| Does he live in the desert?

LINDA:
But we're staying | at a Holiday Inn.

- Uhh. | - I'm intrigued.

- In Tucson? | - These are good,

I know, They're sweetened | with fruit juice,

I could eat | this whole damn tray,

I bought new underwear,

- Have you seen a photo? | - No,

That Holiday Inn part... | that's kind of a little sad,

- Why is that sad? | - Because, Tucson?

- So what? He knows a good one, | - All right,

Seems like you put | a lot of thought into this,

- Planned... we both have, | - Mm-hmm,

- Kind of like a wedding? | - Sort of,

OK, I think that was good, | but I really, really think,

you guys shouldn't make | eye contact,

Hold on, hold on,

That whole thing of you guys | being an extension of me...

Hold on, | Stop giving them directions,

One second, | Just let me work this out, OK?

One second, | You know when we do,

that first scene | where I'm exercising,

you guys gotta have | athletic supporters,

You know what, stop. Stop.

Hey, guess who the world | doesn't revolve around?

You. OK? I'm trying...

Maybe you want to come out here | and look at it,

Give me the jacket...

Can I talk to you for a second?

I'm f***ing giving my all here,

I know, I know,

I'm giving my all, and | I'm really f***ing worried, OK?

Because last week you tell me,

you want me to play it | like Danny Kaye, right?

This morning, | you come in, and you say,

"Hey, why don't you play it | like Alan Alda,"

What am I, f***ing Danny Alda?

OK, I think

You've been | on the f***ing laptop,

like a little crack monkey, | logging onto Expedia,

for this f***ing chick | in Tucson?

Let me tell you something, man, | This is art,

I dumped my girlfriend | the day we started rehearsals,

You're not here, man,

I am here, I am here,

You're not, OK?

whether you and Carl know what | the f*** you're talking about,

Because let me tell you | something,

Peter Ustinov said,

"but it's more difficult | to write a bad play,

"than to give | a bad performance,"

You know what? You know what?

What a great f***ing idea, | watching me squirm,

What are you talking about?

- Catherine, | - What are you talking about?

- The letter, | - What letter?

Uh, the letter,

- May I? | - Oh, yeah,

You're acting crazy,

Hmm,

Wow, Well,

Pretty extraordinary,

Really?

This is a prank, right?

I mean, that's cool,

I don't think it's a prank, no,

You didn't write this?

Is it your fantasy | that I wrote it?

Oh, don't, Don't do that,

I don't know what to tell you,

OK, here's the deal,

This right here, | you can't write about,

- I can't? | - No, you cannot, It's not fair,

You know, they really do | have ovens back there,

I am onto you, girl,

Well, I think I'm onto you, | all right?

Look at me,

- Look at me, | - Oh, my,

Come on,

It's OK,

See?

Ahem, I'm just not gonna play | this game with you anymore,

I ain't even thinking about you, | Look,

You missed a piece,

CARL:
So, Tracy... | is that your given name?

- Yes, | - Mm-hmm,

And what's your porn name?

I'm...

Do you know about porn names?

- No, | - OK,

Your porn name | is your middle name...

and the name of the first | street you grew up on.

OK,

So, like, my porn name | is Andrew Highland.

It's terrible. | It's not very sexy.

So, you're Tracy...

I don't have a middle name,

Oh, well, you can...

Yeah, well, you can also use | the name of your first pet.

We weren't allowed to have pets,

Ivory Coast, Senegal, | Sierra Leone,

LEE:
Mm-hmm. Good.

Ghana, Mali,

Have you ever... been tested | lately for the H, I, V, virus?

No, Yes, | Morocco, Mozambique, Angola,

Good, My goodness,

- Cameroon, | - Stay there,

- Congo, | - God, you are good,

Gabon, Angola,

- Go east, | - Kenya, Somalia Republic,

- Jesus, | - Ethiopia,

Time, | You are very impressive,

I don't think | you're allowed to do this,

Of course I am.

Get down from there.

LEE:
Just meet me | in the lobby, please.

You'll have a great time. | I know you'll love Gus.

I can't go to a party like that, | I have nothing to wear,

LEE:
Wear the green dress. | You look great in it.

It's too tight, | It doesn't fit me anymore,

and it has a stain that's...

LEE:
| You always have an excuse.

It's not an excuse, | Lee, that's a reason,

There's a difference,

Look, are we still

Because I have | a birthday present for you,

LEE:
It's tomorrow.

You know what? I know | when your birthday is, OK?

I'm not here tomorrow,

LEE:
Hey, Linda...

Hello?

LEE:
You're breaking up. | Call me back.

Hello? Listen, if you can | hear me, call me back,

LEE:
Call me back.

F***,

LINDA:
| Yeah, I think about him a lot.

You know? It's hard. | I found him in the basement.

And then I found Lee...

who was outside, I think, | or somewhere else in the house.

I mean, I remember screaming...

and then I remember her | appearing.

Uh, and then, you know, | no one else was home...

so she ran to a neighbor's...

and, uh, I stayed with him.

And then neighbors came, and...

and then my mom was home.

They found my mom, and so...

LEE:
| It's pretty surprising...

when you see | somebody you know...

like your dad, you know, | in that state, you know?

So, it was surprising...

but I think that, you know, | in retrospect, he...

He was pretty unhappy...

most of the time.

My friend Gus says that people... | the straight world...

will always be fascinated | by gangster sagas,

because, here are these guys,

they say, | "We're not going to live,

"by some unspoken rule,

"that we don't take you | to the cleaners,

"when you're not looking,

"We don't have any agreement | not to take advantage of you,"

And these people, they're | in the minority, fortunately,

otherwise, there would be chaos,

But we love watching them, | because... because,

it's a walk on the wild side,

without any real risk | of corruption,

It's two-dimensional, you know?

And it's always | going to be compelling,

Uh, you know, sometimes, | we can't look away,

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