Fun Size Page #2

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Albert?

Albert, I want to thank you.

If it wasn't for you always doing stuff

like petting a dead cat,

I might never have found

the motivation to leave home.

You're not my mommy.

B*tch.

Albert?

Albert!

Albert.

Albert!

Albert!

Albert!

Albert.

Albert!

Albert.

Thank God.

Hey! I'm not doing anything wrong.

This is 100% legal.

Yes, but very, very creepy.

Albert!

My mom is going to kill me.

Keevin Kilpatrick.

My oldest chum.

Nathaniel Brueder.

You've heard all about the lovely Joy.

- Hi.

- Indeed I have.

But you were wrong

about one thing, Keevin.

She's twice as beautiful as Katie Couric.

Thank you.

She could be my mother, but

I love her and I think she's so brave.

Please, welcome, welcome.

Casa de Brueder.

I brought some wine.

Do you have a wine table,

or should I give this

to one of the servers?

You are a peach. My parents love wine.

You can chuck it in their

wine cellar downstairs.

Why are they here?

Because, duh, they live here.

Great people. You'll love them.

Come on. Everyone's down

in the Nate Cave. Race you!

Dude, I worked, like, 13 hours this week.

I don't know about you,

but I'm ready to cut loose!

Can you walk any faster?

No, I can't. We need a car.

I should call the police again.

Or the hospital.

Or maybe the pound.

This is bad, April.

This is really, really bad.

Come on. What's the worst

that could happen to him?

Okay. How about this?

We split up.

Cover more houses.

Let me guess.

So you can go to the party.

- It's at a house.

- Come on!

Well played, Galaxy Scout.

Hey, there, little man.

Whoa, that arm looks real bad.

Who was it? Green Goblin

or that lunatic, Dr. Octopus?

Venom? You must

have been freaking out.

What's happening? Yeah, of course.

You need to feed.

It's very full already, but still...

Do you chew, bro?

That's disgusting to say.

Expecting?

Utility knife.

I don't know why we have so

many knives and safety pins.

You backed up in any way or...

Here we go.

Just mainline it, right?

I mean, don't really mainline it

because that would be intense. Hey.

You're that little kid

from the arcade, right?

Man, you are

an absolute beast at Mario Kart.

Wow, a living legend in my presence.

I am Fuzzy,

and you are Spidey. Of course.

Well, nice to meet you, Spidey.

Slushee's on the house.

Cool. Anyways...

Nice to meet you and everything

and stay in touch, man. Just don't...

if you see me in the arcade,

say, "What's up?"

and I'll spot you some quarters,

'cause you got mad skills.

That went weird.

What's up, fellows?

Making an omelet?

Yeah, with a side of T. P.

- Who you hitting?

- Whoever has got it coming.

Tonight's all about revenge.

First on our list is Stacy Lautner's house.

She said she'd be

my lab partner this year,

but first day of class,

she was sitting with David G.

Man, I feel your pain, brother.

Stay strong.

All right, man. Wish us luck.

Hey, we're sensitive guys, right?

Vengeance.

Yeah. Vengeance.

Vengeance.

Okay. All right.

What's up, Spidey?

You just chilling out here by yourself?

Okay.

Well, no man should ride alone tonight.

You don't have any friends or anything?

Look who's talking.

I tell you what.

I need a man for a mission.

One man for one mission

to avenge one broken heart.

Will it be dangerous?

Yes. Very much so.

In fact, I'm quite scared about it.

Will we make it back alive?

I don't know, to be honest.

I do not know.

But I can promise you this.

He who follows me

unto the breach, my dear friends,

will be rewarded

with unlimited free Funyuns

for the rest of his life.

So, look.

I just feel like

we could help each other out tonight.

So what do you say, Spidey? Are you in?

Take your time.

Yep. Bam. Awesome.

Great news.

All right, so...

Just get in my car

and we'll roll, man, like homeys.

Not that I'm luring a kid into my car.

I'm not luring a kid into my car.

Let's check in here.

Albert's nursing a major Slushee habit.

Okay, seriously, what is wrong with you?

Okay, I wasn't going to bring this up,

but it has reached crisis stage.

I put Nair on my butt this morning.

My God, it is chafing

something fierce.

Here we go, Spidey.

The adventure begins.

It was an accident.

- You Naired your butt?

- Yeah, and it burns.

Why in God's name would you do that?

It's like fire shooting out of my ass.

Nerd alert. Other way.

Shh.

Please do not forget that in our cross-ex.

Just chill, bro. It's Spring Lake.

Follow me.

Roosevelt!

Peng! Hey, guys, what's going on?

We were just actually

going over our strategy

for tomorrow's match.

- Fencing?

- Debate, actually.

First co-captains in school history.

- That's really cool.

- Um, Wren?

So, how do you get to the big match?

Is there a team bus?

No, I drive my car.

Well, it's not my car,

but I can get permission.

So could you get permission tonight?

Tonight? You want me to drive the car...

You want me to drive, tonight, with it?

You in it?

What he was trying

to say is we would love to drive around

with you girls at night with no parents.

Great.

So, yeah. Let's...

Let's hit the road. Let's go.

The thing is...

I haven't fully completed

my trust window yet.

Your trust window?

It's like a second learner's permit,

but between me and my moms.

You know, for six months,

I can't drive with anyone

outside my immediate academic

and/or social circles.

Bummer. Let's go.

But...

We're friends.

My Crush.

It's all over the floor.

You guys want to go?

We should go.

Prostitution.

Okay, come on in. Shoes off, slippers on.

And please use your inside voices,

which, if you need a barometer,

is about where I am now.

No problem. So what's our cover?

We're debate team cheerleaders

or something?

No, it's okay.

You're my friends, you lost your brother.

I don't ever lie to my moms.

One more thing.

Do either of you carry

any sort of unusual scents

or chemical odors?

Really know how to smooth talk a girl.

I mean like scented lotions, perfumes.

Fragrances set off Tolstoy's asthma.

- Tolstoy?

- The cat.

He's a gray tabby. He's 12.

Really?

Wait.

What about the Nair on your...

- You-know-what.

- Shh!

Don't talk about my you-know-what

in front of them.

We love cats!

Roosevelt.

Hey, Moms.

I thought

he was just talking like Lil Wayne.

I didn't expect you home

until Charlie Rose.

Moms, this is Wren Desantis.

- Hi.

- And April...

April...

Martin-Danzinger-Ross.

The only thing my mom loves

more than men is hyphens.

So this is the Wren Desantis.

"The"?

I hear you're applying to NYU.

Yes, I think I mentioned that

to Roosevelt once.

Great school.

That's where Barb earned

her third doctorate.

Yeah.

- In prenatal psychology. Yeah.

- Yeah.

I'm still in touch with the dean

through my heirloom bean club.

- Great guy.

- Earl.

- He's a lovely person.

- Yeah, he's a good guy.

He would write a letter in a heartbeat.

Are you kidding me?

- Yeah.

- And very knowledgeable about beans.

I'm not sure where I am on chits...

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