Fun Size Page #6

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I blew it.

I mean, we drove around all night

looking for her little brother.

And, the Volvo, it's dead.

It's totaled. It's gone.

- What?

- What?

- It's dead.

- What did you...

And after everything,

she goes for this guy, Aaron,

who can't even play a proper C chord.

Roosevelt, we are

so disappointed in you.

I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick.

Barb?

I know. I'm sorry. I'll

pay off every penny.

Yeah. Yeah, you will.

But I don't give a rat's patootie

about the Volvo.

In fact,

the fact that you're here

in the creamy, milky flesh

means the unibody

construction did its job.

Did we bring you up to quit?

Did we bring you up to run away

with your tail between

your legs every time

some hot Fonzie with a guitar

woos your girl?

Anything in this world worth

having is worth fighting for.

Yeah, well, not actual fighting, of course.

Figurative. We don't condone

violence outside of the dojo.

- Come on, Barb.

- Right. Of course.

Of course.

If you really care about her, honey,

you need to tell her that.

You want me to call her for you?

Barb.

No. Thanks. That's great advice.

Let him do his own work.

Okay? This is his thing.

It's hard! He's getting old.

She called me. Hold on.

Hey, Roosevelt, it's Wren.

I found Albert, but unfortunately

my mom's going

to get home before we do.

Which means she'll either kill me

or I'll be grounded until I'm 93.

Either way, I want to thank you

for everything you did tonight.

And I wish things had turned

out differently, because

you're awesome. And... Yeah, okay.

Bye.

- What's she saying? What'd she say?

- Listen.

He will tell you

when he's ready to tell you.

What did she say?

No, look, just she needs me. Okay?

Can I borrow the other car?

My dad

was always into pulling pranks.

That's where Albert gets it.

The two of them loved Halloween

because they had free rein

to get into as much trouble as possible.

Well, that, and they both loved candy.

Albert was never as happy

as when he was

trick-or-treating with Dad.

So, it seemed only right

that since Dad couldn't

take him this year,

the least I could do was

bring Albert to see him.

Wren?

Yes, Albert?

Thanks.

Honey, we're home.

Mrs. Desantis? Stop right there.

I cannot let you enter this house.

Why? Who the hell are you?

Roosevelt.

Friend of Wren's?

Never been mentioned?

That's okay.

I mean, 'cause before tonight,

I've never really done

anything worthy of her taking notice.

That's a sweet story, and one that

I'm not really that interested in hearing.

I've been up all night

and I really need to get some sleep.

I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

I'm a single mother.

It's 5:
30 in the morning.

And you really don't

wanna mess with me.

Someone is counting on me,

and I'm not letting her down,

so maybe you don't

wanna mess with me.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

You can inflict whatever

physical pain you want,

which is considerable,

as is your knowledge of pressure points.

But I'm not going anywhere.

Mrs. Desantis, tonight was

the best night of my life.

I lied to my moms for the first time ever.

I trashed our Volvo.

My best friend shot

another man's drumstick.

The cops are probably after us.

And I'm gonna have to get a part-time job

at Captain Chicken just

to pay off the damage I caused.

But I wouldn't trade a minute of it,

'cause I got to spend it with Wren.

And I love her.

I'm in love with your daughter.

- I take it you know this kid?

- Yes.

Yes. I do.

Wren. Ls that you?

Hello, Wren. Don't worry.

As you can see,

I have the situation in hand.

Your mother has not entered the house.

Put your head back down.

Why does this kid not want to let me in?

I'll explain later.

Okay. Well, he is kind of cute.

It was nice to meet you, Roosevelt.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Desantis.

Come on, Albert.

It was awkward, but memorable.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

But more importantly,

I mean, you found Albert.

- And your mom.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we sort of bumped

into her on the way home.

Sorry.

Don't be. I'm glad I'm here.

You are?

'Cause now I can do this.

Hey, Fuzz.

Denise, hey.

Big night last night?

Huge night, actually.

I finally opened my eyes and realized

that Lara and I are not meant to be.

At all. Which is just a big

one for me to take, 'cause...

No, I meant, did you ever find

that little Spider-dude?

Yeah, Spidey. Yeah, totally.

Saved his life. No big deal.

It happens. Kind of how I roll.

Wait, is that the new issue?

It's sold out everywhere.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

It's on the house.

- Really?

- Yeah.

A fellow fan of Galaxy Scout.

- Wow, thanks, Fuzz.

- No problem.

See you around?

See ya.

Hey, Denise?

What do you think about maybe

you, me and Spidey

hanging out whatever?

Sure. Maybe just you and me?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Just the two of us.

Nice. Okay.

I have nothing to read now.

We're sure gonna miss her. Albert?

Candy pancakes with a side

of airhead bacon.

Yeah. Most people

do leftovers on Thanksgiving.

Our family does Halloween.

Amazing! Albert made these?

My compliments to the chef.

Where is the little guy?

I don't know.

He was just here a second ago.

Maybe you could do

an explaining rap, too.

My God.

- He did not.

- I told you so!

I mean, maybe sometimes

April knows something.

Everything we worked for

last night is ruined.

Maybe you could do

an explaining rap, too.

Wren?

I'm E.O. Wilson and I'm a scientist

I study ants and stuff if you get the gist

I'm about as cool as a guy can get.

Think Jason Bourne with a butterfly net.

Praying mantis Praying mantis.

The turtle, the turtle.

Don't do that.

What?

Ew!

Albert!

Everyone thinks I don't talk.

But actually,

I've been pranking my mom

for the past six months.

Hello?

This is Verizon calling.

Your phone has been reported faulty

and needs to be tested by

our voice recognition system.

Could you please repeat a few phrases?

Okay.

I like cheese.

I like cheese?

My poops are big and hearty.

My poops... Wait, who is this?

This is your great-uncle Vindaloo

from Czechoslovakia.

My who?

Great-uncle Vindaloo.

Vindaloo. Vindaloo!

I have moved to Cleveland

and am on my way to your house

so I can live in the basement.

I think you have the wrong number.

Joy Desantis?

I'm staring at a photo of you as a baby.

Okay, this is just weird.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello, dear,

this is the brassiere

department at Marshalls calling.

The bras you ordered are here.

However, they're so small,

we can't seem to find them anywhere.

You must have very tiny b*obs.

Albert! Ls this you?

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