Funny About Love Page #2

Is that not possible?

Oh, all right. Come on.

Worst thing that can happen,

we'll have two hours

of incredible, unreproductive sex.

Work, work, work! All I do is work!

It's a dirty job,

but somebody's got to do it.

Take off your clothes.

This shouldn't hurt.

It's nobody's fault, Mr Bergman.

have difficulty conceiving.

- But it can't be nobody's fault.

- Duffy, come on.

You're saying it's my fault

we can't have a baby.

- I didn't say it was your fault.

- I want the answer to a question.

Mr Bergman,

could I ask you a question?

- Yes.

- Are you sure you want a child?

Am I sure I want a child?

You mean, do I want to have a baby?

Excuse me, Dr Benjamin,

could we just have a few moments?

Of course.

- Just let me know when you're ready.

- Thanks.

- OK. What's going on?

- You're not going to like it.

Come on, come on.

Open those lips and tell me.

- Come on.

- I'm scared.

You're scared?

What are you scared of?

I'm scared that if we have a baby,

I won't get the hugs and the kisses

and all the holding that I'm used to.

Oh, Duffy.

Oh, honey.

I've got so many kisses

and so many hugs.

I've got, like, a trillion of them.

There's plenty to go around.

Now we'll start on some tests.

Some tests? What kind of tests?

Multiple choice? Essays?

Do I need a number-two pencil?

Maybe I have a number-two pencil.

You have a wonderful,

giant redwood tree of a pencil.

- She said it.

- Let him do this.

The woman knows. What's happening?

It's an auditory monitor

of your scrotal activity.

Oh, I thought maybe you were lonely.

Would you like to listen to your testicles?

- Who wouldn't?

- I would.

I just plug the stethoscope

into these speakers.

I flick this switch...

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!

I laughed at love

'cause I thought it was funny

- Just a joke, Mr Bergman.

- Is that what it was?

- How amusing!

- I'm trying to get you to relax.

Yes, I feel much better now.

Thank you, Doctor.

- You want my sperm in this cup?

- That's right, Mr Bergman.

- Good luck.

- We'll wait outside.

Wait a minute!

You make this sound easy.

I've never done this before.

- Come, come, Mr Bergman.

- You want me to do it twice?

We'll be here all day.

I deal in quality, not quantity.

- What do you want, a quart?

- Excuse us.

- Duff...

- It's not so easy.

Come here, come here.

I think maybe we should try to work

on this together. What do you say?

Is this business or pleasure?

Intense heat can kill

the reproductive quality in sperm.

- Have you been in a hot tub?

- At my health club. How do you know?

All your sperm

are wearing terry-cloth robes.

- There he goes again.

- Very funny.

All we need to do is lower

the temperature of your sperm.

- This should do the trick.

- What the heck...?

- What's this little pocket for?

- Ice.

- You're doing fine.

- I look silly.

- Here, climb on.

- No, go away!

Come here, come here. Here.

I really think this is the one,

the love of my life.

I'm so delighted, Hugo.

You don't know her last name?

She is vague about personal details,

but I think this is normal

in the Witness Protection Program.

Sorry I'm so late. I had to wait

for the boss to approve my apple crisp.

- How did you do?

- I got a gold star.

Why did I ask?

It's excellent!

You are so good in the kitchen.

- Thanks.

- The bedroom, I don't know.

- Ma!

- Adele!

Did I offend

the sensitive Bergman men?

Hold your tongue once in a while.

It's only in your cartoons that people

may speak without being censored.

No one's censoring you.

"Hold your tongue!" Did anyone hear

that? How about Mr Lonely Hearts?

- I was chewing.

- We're trying, OK?

- Try a little harder.

- Is it a question of velocity?

- Shut up about babies!

- Pardon me for wanting a grandchild!

- You're talking to your mother.

- She likes confrontation.

- You're darn right.

- You want us to do it right here?

- Why not?

- I'll move the bagels and the lox.

- Missionary or the usual?

- The usual. They get a better view.

If it's like our usual,

I don't want to see it!

- How about this, Ma? A grandkid!

- Put your pants back on!

Wait a second! We can't try

any harder to have a baby, OK?

Our staff will show you how to do this.

You give Meg these shots every day

to boost her production of eggs.

- I'm surprised at how calm I am.

- Honey, you can do it.

Come on, it's a snap.

- Here we go.

- OK.

No problem.

Nice and clean.

Almost done, almost done.

Done! I'm sorry, honey.

- Did it hurt?

- No, I liked it. Do it again.

- One more time.

- Yeah. No, no!

This is as far as you go, Mr Bergman.

- See you in a little while.

- Good luck.

Sure. Don't you worry about me.

I'll be swell.

Go on, have a good time.

Don't give me another thought.

There's your cup, Mr Bergman.

Turn on the red light when you're

done, and please wash your hands.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I thought this room was empty.

- Is that the July issue?

- Get out of here.

Honey, help me.

Meg, help me, please.

I got an egg.

How does it look?

It's good.

You must have been a beautiful baby

You must have been a wonderful child

When you were only startin'

To go to kindergarten

I bet you drove the little boys wild

And when it came

to winning blue ribbons

You must have shown

the other kids how

I can see the judges' eyes

As they handed you the prize

I bet you made the cutest bow

Oh! You must have been

a beautiful baby

'Cause, baby, look at you now

I made you a batch of cappuccino.

- Batch?

- Yep.

Wow, thanks.

Yow! This is it! This is the best

cappuccino you've ever made.

- On a scale from one to ten?

- Eight to eight and a half.

- Really?

- Serious.

What's the matter with your eye?

- Nothing.

- Why is your eye twitching?

- I have a lash caught in my eye.

- No.

I can't believe you're lying to me.

Jesus! I can't even make

a stupid cup of cappuccino.

- I can't make anything.

- You make stuff all the time.

What's going on? What's happening?

I got my period, Duff.

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- I can't make a baby.

You've got to stop beating yourself up

like this. It's no good.

- Let's just forget about kids.

- I can't.

I've always had a thing about kids.

I can't imagine not having them.

Well, let's just postpone it,

get our minds off this thing.

Let's think about our careers.

Easy for you to say. You have a career.

Didn't The Village Voice

just put you in the comic pantheon?

What am I in? I'm in the kitchen

cooking with six illegal aliens.

- I'm not even good at it.

- What's coming out of those lippers?

Are you crazy?

You're a sensational chef.

You're the only American chef

who's cooking American.

I see you one day

in the frying pan-theon.

- I really do! What about...?

- No, wait. No twitching.

No twitching. What about the guy who

wants you as chef of his restaurant?

Was he looking for no talent?

Call him, get this show on the road.

- You mean Caf Pretentious Name?

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