Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs Page #3

- Agreed.

Play time is fun time.

- Who are you?

- Bender, your biggest fan.

Are you going to murder me?

Unlikely. In my mind, we're friends.

This diorama proves it, see?

Sir, your derangement is impressive.

I'm appointing you my official stalker.

You shan't be disappointed.

Pleasant dreams.

Now that I've teamed up with my friend,

Dr. Wernstrom,

I feel certain we can

successfully penetrate the other universe.

It's the greatest scientific opportunity

since you yourself

sent men to the moon in 1969.

I always regretted that.

Nothing up there but dry rocks

and those revolting onion men.

But...

You East Coast intellectuals

had your chance. Now beat it!

From here on in, this is a military matter.

People of the universe,

please welcome

Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan.

Thank you, thank you. Well deserved.

Kif, stand in that hole so I look taller.

Ever since man first left his cave

and met a stranger

with a different language

and a new way of looking at things,

the human race has had a dream.

To kill him,

so we don't have to learn his language

or his new way of looking at things.

Give science a chance!

Less invasions, more equations!

Damn long-hairs.

Knock some sense into them,

Chief O'Hallahan.

Yes, sir!

I can't take it, Leela.

I need to go away. Far away, forever.

Aw, I know how you feel, Fry.

There are times when I also feel

like you need to go away.

Be careful,

my little, teeny, greeny weenie.

That's just a fungal infection...

Oh, she's talking to you, Kif.

Goodbye, my love.

Wow, how come humans

get to do all the fun stuff?

This is exactly the sort of thing

that ought to be handled by

The League of Robots.

That's adorable, Bender.

You actually believe

in the League of Robots?

You mean, there's really no such thing?

Then who's there to mete out justice

when an outdated robot

is melted into belt buckles?

Who's there to defend our honor

when a rude human brings a blush

to a robo-virgin's cheek?

No one.

Oh.

Now that I know

robots are worthless,

with no League of Robots to protect us

from the fleshy menace known as man,

I have resolved to kill myself.

In lieu of flowers, please beat yourselves

in the face with rusty chains.

Your friend, Bender.

Ow.

Please select

mode of death.

Clumsy bludgeoning, please.

You have selected clumsy bludgeoning.

For an additional $10,

would you like your eyes

scooped out with a melon-baller?

What the heck, I'll treat myself.

Enemy in range.

Prepare to launch

universe-to-universe missile.

Preparing to launch U.U.M.

Hell of a thing to send a universe

to certain doom.

Fun, though. Makes a man feel big.

Come on, come on,

I didn't ask to die of boredom!

You are now dead.

Please take your receipt.

What's... What's happening?

Kneel before the candle.

Don't hurt me! I'll betray anyone!

Bender Bending Rodriguez...

Welcome to the League of Robots!

Ready?

And...

F...

Almost fooled you there.

Fire!

Missile jam. Missile jam.

- I heard you the first time, Francine.

- Sorry.

Kif, climb down there and un-jam it,

would you? Be a dear.

And stop sighing so much.

Tell us, Bender.

Are you worthy of membership

in the League?

Worthier than the average robot.

Then prove it.

Upon each step is a test.

Okay, but if it's culturally biased,

I'm suing your ass.

Test number one.

The test of the beer mug!

Quite right, quite so.

Drink the mug! Drink the mug!

I accept your challenge.

Hurray!

The test of the flagon!

Drink the flagon! Drink the flagon!

Are all the tests going to involve drinking?

It never occurred to me before, but yes.

Just like med school!

Ready yet, Kif?

Just give me one more...

Oh, no.

The test of the infinitely priceless

Presenting our newest member.

That's right, baby!

Hot diggity daffodil!

And so, to everyone

and everything I've ever known,

I say my last goodbye.

Hello.

So, how are you, Fry?

- Pretty good. You?

- Well... Oh.

Mmm.

Kif, get over here. You've got to try this!

At least Kiffy died quickly.

Yes, but according to

the Old Farmer's Wikipedia,

the amazing thing about Kif's species

is that the remains continue suffering

for up to six hours after death.

That's so interesting!

Don't ask where I was last night.

For all you know, I was at home,

perhaps baking a strudel.

What's her problem?

Somebody die or something?

- Kif's dead, Bender.

- Nailed it!

My condolences, Amy.

Allow me to present you with the

last known photo of Lieutenant Kroker.

We so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Kroker.

Terrible shame about Froggy.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yeah, yeah, real sad.

Want some breath spray?

Cinnamon flavor, taste like pie.

This is from the league

of you-don't-need-to-know.

I am the grand funeral director!

Do you validate parking?

It is always a terrible tragedy

when a swarm outlives its own bulboid.

So it is with great sorrow

that I now commit the goo

that was once Kif

to the petroleum of his ancestors.

Whack the bottle!

No, from the bottom! It works better!

Just stick a butter knife in it!

There, I got most of it.

The burial is complete.

I will now sing the sacred hymn.

It's not part of the ceremony,

just a little something that I wrote.

Next!

It may sound strange,

but seeing Kif's mutilated remains

poured into the mud made me really sad.

Mutilation is never easy.

- I don't think I'll ever love again.

- Oh, you don't mean that.

Love can surprise you

at any time in your life.

Surprise!

Whoa, it kind of takes your breath away.

Look alive, death row.

Your saggy asses got a visitor.

- Regular or conjugal?

- She looked like a freak to me.

The guard operating the x-ray machine

came down with a sudden case

of broken neck,

so I was able to bring you

that delicious cake you wanted.

I don't understand.

Are you winking or blinking?

Hang on a second.

Got it!

Yes, I'm here to repair my horse.

Is the horse's name Hot Beans?

No. I mean, yes.

So it seems a human had been

rather injured by a knife, and as his...

As his blood, you know,

I think that's what they call it...

Quite correct, sir. Blather on!

As it drained away, he said...

He said, "Take me to a dock."

No doubt he intended to say "doctor,"

but he was unable to complete

his thought, you see, being as he had died.

So, taking him at his word,

we dragged his corpse to the waterfront,

whereupon the seagulls fed upon it.

- Humans are dumb and they die easy!

- Quite!

Speaking of humans,

have I shown you my new monocle?

Cost me a king's ransom.

Made from a king, don't you know!

Oh, how repulsively decadent!

Yes. But more importantly,

it allows me to see

the smiling faces of my children

for the first time since I lost my vision

in that horrible banking accident.

May I see that for a second?

My, but that's interesting!

- I say!

- I'm blind!

My God, Bender!

This is a civilized organization!

The rules specifically...

May I make a point of order,

President Calculon?

- Must you?

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