Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs Page #4

- Yes.

The bylaws specifically state

that no human may set foot

in the League of Robots!

If he has a human part, he's part human!

Oh, my! Then I too have a human part

I must expel.

And I plan to enjoy the experience.

Ta-ta!

Bender, you've rigidly applied the law

with no regard for its intent.

Well done!

You'll go far in this organization.

Oh, you're just gettin' to know Bender.

Curses!

If we could only turn up the gain,

we might smell clear through

to the other universe!

But we can't adjust it

without a screwdriver.

Wait a moment.

I think I was just shanked

with a screwdriver!

Yes!

A little more. A little less.

Heavens to meteoroid! Smell this!

Holy mother of invention!

- We must notify the President at once!

- But how can we?

Oh, I wish, I wish,

I wish we weren't in prison!

Pazuzu!

You have one wish left, Professor.

I think I got him!

Mmm-hmm.

That's what you get

for letting your guard...

Sometimes... Always... Never!

You again?

This better be damned important.

I'm right in the middle of a Cosmo survey!

You'll want to hear this, Mr. President.

For we have sniffed

where no man has sniffed before!

Look! Up in the sky!

- It's a bird!

- It's a plane!

I am so out of here!

Incoming call

from Mars.

Hello?

- Why you so sad, Amy?

- My husband died, Mom!

Yeah, yeah, snap out of it already.

No one likes a widow.

Oh, wait. Hang on.

Some damn tentacle

got in the screen door.

Collect call from

Decapod 10. Will you pay for caller?

No!

Uncle Zoid! What's new?

You still doing theater

for the blind and deaf?

Screw them.

I got a part in a fancy DVD movie!

It's only one line, but I'm gonna ham it up

like you wouldn't believe.

What crummy sin have I committed

to be chastised in such a crazy manner?

Hello? Hello?

Call me back on my shell phone!

Captain's log, stardate,

the year of the tiger.

The battle has been bravely fought,

and the suffering of our troops

beyond measure.

But the alien is invulnerable,

and our defeat inevitable.

That much is obvious,

even from my remote command post

here at the Times Square Applebee's.

Waiter! Take this fried mozzarella

back to the kitchen and fry it some more.

The tentacle's coming towards Earth

and there's no stopping it.

King Kong's too old to save us this time.

We have only one hope, Mr. President.

We must encase the entire planet

in a protective sphere of

my patented, ultra-hard diamondium!

Diamondium?

I could gum through that

with my dentures behind my back.

My trademarked diamondillium

is twice as hard!

Twice as hard as your head!

Which makes it still fairly soft!

Now look here, you Poindexters.

I don't care how you decide. Just decide!

Diamondillium it is.

So, hey, Calculon, I know I'm the new guy,

and, pardon my ignorance,

but when do we kill all humans?

Never.

But what about our motto?

Doesn't it mean anything?

Oh, Bender,

your idealism is heartwarming.

But the League of Robots

hasn't killed a human in over 800 years.

And that was a very sick girl scout.

Quite sick indeed.

Sweet, innocent Bender.

I declare my impenetrable

diamondillium sphere complete!

Now look here, Wernstrom.

You're making it sound as if the sphere

was your idea when we both know...

It was!

All credit to my colleague,

Ogden Wernstrom!

It's horrible!

I can't make it! Go on without me!

I'm trying!

Go on without me faster!

Sweet squid of Madrid!

The tentacle got Fry!

Quick, hand me my machete!

We can still save his legs!

Silence!

I have traveled far and seen deep,

and I have come to know

the purpose of our existence.

Finally.

Thou shalt love the tentacle!

Well, at least we don't

have to love one another.

A new age has begun.

The age of the tentacle!

Open your necks and receive the love!

Ow, my neck!

Ow, my neck!

My neck feels perfectly... Ow, my neck!

Someone help me! I'm important!

Say, I love the tentacle.

I also love the neck-a-majigger!

Hooray, Zoidberg escaped!

Hooray, Zoidberg loves the tentacle!

It got Zoidberg!

Oh, I never knew how much

I'd miss him until he was gone!

Not that much, as it turns out.

Thus sayeth the tentacle,

"Verily, thou shalt rejoice

in the house of the tentacle."

Fry, listen to yourself.

You've been brainwashed.

No, I'm just trying to fit my diction

to the importance of what I'm saying.

- Please, let me speak.

- I'm listening.

Don't be afraid of the tentacle, Leela.

It's beautiful and it loves me.

And I love it.

Aw. That's so nice for both of you.

I know it may seem strange

that I have feelings

for an octopus monster

from another universe.

And yes, perhaps

it's not the storybook romance

that's been crammed down

our throats by Hollywood.

But the Monsterpus has loved us

from afar since we were amoebas.

Only when the space anomaly opened

could it finally express

a billion years of longing.

Really? It loves us that much?

Fire diamondium cannon!

Hey!

No effect.

The crystals are bouncing off the tentacle

like meatballs off Mothra.

Oh, what a surprise.

I told you diamondium was worthless!

Wernstrom, quit hyping

your cheap diamondillium and look at this.

Uh-oh.

What?

According to this blinking light,

the tentacle is made of electro-matter,

matter's bad-ass grandma!

Nothing from our universe

can cut through it.

Not diamondium, not diamondillium,

not even your wife's pound cake, Hermes!

She's a terrible cook.

Anyway, we're all dead.

So, Bender, is something wrong?

Who said that? Oh, it was me!

'Cause my roommate doesn't notice

or even care that I'm upset!

What, Bender? Is something wrong?

Yes! I joined a club I thought was cool,

but it turns out

all the leaguie-weegies are totally lame.

That's what we call ourselves,

"leaguie-weegies."

I'm sorry.

I should've asked what was bothering you.

- I've been kind of preoccupied.

- With what?

Well, I went to another universe,

and I fell in love with a giant octopus,

and now I'm pope of a new religion.

- Weren't you already pope of something?

- No.

Oh. Well, I'm just saying I'd like you

to show an interest in my life, too.

Okay, let's catch up soon.

But right now, I gotta go shove a tentacle

into everyone in China.

They're coming!

Those horrible, horrible things are coming!

Morbo?

As the universe falls prey

to the revolting alien,

only a few isolated pockets

of resistance remain.

Those pockets sure are missing out

on a great thing.

- Amy?

- Sorry.

I thought I saw a tentacle,

but it was just a harmless land squid.

I better have some cocoffee.

When I gave up diapers,

my parents promised

exactly this would never happen!

Nobody panic! Just get to the panic room!

Well done, people!

We had a great first week.

We got 90% of world leaders,

everyone who bought a Hanes undershirt,

and this year's

most promising new R&B group,

give it up

for the Grammy-nominated Funkalistics!

Talkin' 'bout the tentacle

Good news, everyone!

I was up all night inventing,

and then finally, I invented!

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