Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs Page #5

Invented what?

The neck protector,

the neck protector junior,

and now, for a limited time,

the lady neck protector!

I'll take two. My neck is huge.

We're perfectly safe now.

Time to stop living

like a bunch of nervous nellies.

Professor, these look like you cut them

from cardboard toilet paper tubes.

So? Lots of important inventions are made

from toilet paper tubes.

Microscopes, the internet,

tentacle polish...

It got the professor!

Wait, why am I screaming?

It got me, too!

Stop, in the name of love!

Crud.

We may be the last

two normal people on Earth.

At least I won't have to trim

my elbow talons anymore.

I'm scared! And I miss Kif!

It's okay to cry, Amy.

Come here,

I'm wearing absorbent shoulder straps.

Mmm.

What an erotic display

of girl-on-girl consolation.

- Zapp?

- Hurry, Leela,

we don't have much time

to begin repopulating Earth.

Go brush your teeth.

I'll be waiting for you naked

under this quesadilla.

Stop resisting, my brethren!

Don't you want to be part of something

bigger than yourselves?

Like a big crazy monster?

So we got her, huh? Bring her in!

Do it already!

- Hello, Colleen.

- Fry, please!

If this is about your futon,

I sold it to pay the phone bill

that you skipped out on!

Colleen wasn't satisfied with me.

Were you, Colleen?

Come on, Fry, this isn't cool!

She had to have four other boyfriends!

I guess she never thought

I'd become tentacle pope of the world!

You know what?

It's true!

You weren't enough for me!

No one man is!

You were great, but you weren't Chinese,

you weren't Cameroonian,

and you certainly were not

the "king of karaoke,"

as you so often claimed.

And if your ego can't take that,

then you don't deserve

to be tentacle pope of anything!

Oh, yeah, Colleen?

Well, I've got one thing to say to you.

I completely agree!

You, you... What?

Why should you be satisfied with one man

when love needs to share itself

with the whole universe?

Wow, Fry. You know, that's really...

Love the tentacle, honey.

I do love the tentacle.

Come on out, guys!

There's enough love for everybody!

Aw.

We're trapped!

- Help, help! Is anyone out there?

- Bender to Leela. I read you.

- 'Sup, bigboots?

- Bender, we need a place to hide!

- Please!

- Pretty please!

You humans are so cute

when you're scared.

In here.

My leg feels funny!

Humans are disgusting!

I opened one up once. I almost barfed.

Did you know their hair just

keeps growing and growing?

My leg feels funny!

Leela, you're crushing me

with your rock-hard butt.

Sorry.

Mmm. I can only imagine what

rock-hard part of Leela is crushing me.

Anyone mind if I turn up the heat a tad?

Please do. I fear I'll catch a rust

from this awful damp.

I can't take it!

I'm being steamed in my own velour!

Death to humans!

My leg feels better!

Hi, Bender.

- Bender, you know these humans?

- Of course not!

Who are you humans

and why am I pointing you to the exit?

- Go, go, go!

- Thanks for everything, Bender!

Death to all of you!

Bender,

methinks thou doth protest too much.

It seems Bender hates humans

the way I hate having my nipples polished

with industrial sandpaper.

Quite right.

It's okay, Bender, to err is

human.

Sir, you forget yourself!

I challenge you

to a duel on the field of honor.

Oh, my...

Leela, it's getting dark.

We may have to make a tent

out of Amy's skin.

Look, there's an abandoned cabin!

Even so.

We're in luck. This must have been

the cabin of a soup bootlegger

back in the days of soup prohibition.

Oh, yeah. Bathtub minestrone.

Poor Kif! I can't believe he's gone forever!

- Ditto on the grief there, Amy.

- You miss him, too?

More than you, as his mere wife,

could ever understand.

He was my fourth lieutenant,

for God's sake,

and bore the peppermill

at the captain's table.

- Really?

- Oh, Amy, I miss him so!

Hardly a month goes by

that I don't think of him.

But you know, in a way, he's still with us.

Do you feel his presence?

I'm not sure.

It's over here.

Closer.

Amy! Zapp!

I fetched up some fresh soup!

Sorry you had to find out like this, Leela.

I was hoping you'd see it on YouTube first.

As my ex-lover,

you're naturally shocked and jealous,

but you may well

get your chance again someday.

How about today at 4:00?

Hey, this isn't so bad.

She's right.

Leela, you must try the tentacle.

It's like my soul

is wearing a velour body glove.

Get off me!

I'm saving my neck

for a rich, handsome Dracula.

What I love most about the tentacle

is that I don't need

to move my bowels anymore.

It's all handled by that family in Evanston.

No, it can't be.

Leela, what's your favorite thing

about the tentacle?

You don't have a tentacle!

Get her! Get her some love!

You're on in five minutes, Excellency.

You sure you don't want

your comedy pope staff?

The tentacle monster

is about to address the world.

It's too serious.

Oh.

- Hello, Fry.

- Leela?

How did you get past my sumo ninjas?

I told them something so shocking

that they let me by.

What's that?

I love the tentacle.

We're rolling in three, two...

What? We're already rolling?

Love the tentacle!

- Love the tentacle!

- Love the tentacle!

Loved ones, the Monsterpus

has revealed unto me its name.

What is our love's name?

Yivo.

Yivo is the lover of all beings,

male and female.

But Yivo has no gender,

thus Yivo has proclaimed

that instead of "he" or "she,"

we are to use the word "shklee."

And instead of "him" or "her,"

we are to use the word "shklim,"

or "shkler."

Phew! I've been sweating

the nomenclature all week.

So here shklee is shklerself, Yivo!

Yay, Yivo!

Attention, beings of Universe Gamma.

- Where?

- Here.

I had a hunch.

I am Yivo.

In your universe, you are many,

but in my universe, I am one.

For a trillion years I dwelt in solitude,

content with my job

and my stamp collecting,

but then I looked across immensity

and saw the big bang, and I was, like,

"Whoa, who's that?"

And I knew then that I was lonely.

You poor monster!

Then your emissary Fry came unto me,

and he, too, was lonely.

So I reached into your universe

that we might feel each other's touch.

Hey, Yivo, feel this.

Ow!

People of everywhere,

I have shocking news.

Hey, butt out!

This is between me

and everyone else in existence.

Yivo talks a lot about love,

but what he's actually doing...

What shklee's actually doing.

...is mating with you!

These aren't tentacles.

They're genticles.

Ew!

We've been had, people.

The Monsterpus is a monster perv.

It touched me in a bad place,

my spinal cord.

- Get him!

- You mean, get shklim!

Hey, wait a second.

Wait, wait. Allow me to explain.

Granted, at first

I desired only to bang out

a quick cheap one with your universe,

but it's your own fault.

Your universe dresses provocatively.

Does not!

And yet as the initial filthy thrill wore off,

I realized there was more to it.

I knew then that the 20 quadrillion of you

were my soul mate.

We loved you,

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