Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs Page #6

and you turn around

and treat us like some sort of woman?

I was lonely.

I didn't even know

there was anybody else.

It's not like I hurt anyone.

Yes, you did, you dumb calamari!

- Who?

- Kif Kroker, my Fonfon Ru!

If he hadn't tried to kill you,

he'd still be alive!

Really?

I'm... I'm deeply sorry. I...

I'm a big clumsy jerk!

I know you are, but what am I?

I can never undo what was done.

Oh, wait. I can.

Kiffy, you're alive!

Amy, my love.

This is awkward.

It is? Why?

Please, please, give me another chance.

We rushed into this relationship,

but let's start over as friends

and see where things go.

Take me back, Kif?

I don't think I can. How could you?

My body wasn't even warm yet.

- You were dead.

- For about five minutes.

That's all it takes.

Whereas Calculon has sullied

Bender's reputation

by insinuating that he is a human-lover,

a duel is hereby engaged.

Bender, as the offended party,

shall have choice of weapon.

Planetary annihilators.

'Tis a grave and solemn day

for the League of Robots.

It's gonna be fun on the bun!

Each duelist will take 10 paces, pirouette,

and fire like a madman.

Gentlebots, take your paces.

One,

two, three...

Oh, how dreadfully exciting.

Oh, yes.

At 0800 hours, we received

the following transmission from Yivo.

Hey, it's Yivo.

Want to do something Friday? Call me.

- Analysis?

- Mr. President,

I think we need to seriously consider

the possibility of going on this date.

I agree. Yivo makes me feel sexy,

and I'm asexual.

Very well, but no sugar on the first date.

All in favor?

All opposed?

Motion is carried.

This is bogus, man.

...six, seven,

eight!

Nine, ten, fire.

Yes, I got him!

He... He broke the rules.

It's a duel, silly. There are no rules.

Actually, there are scores of rules.

All laid out with minute particularity

here in the Code Duello.

My fellow Earthlicans, commence

preparations for our date with Yivo.

I like you to hold me tight

You are too, too, too, too, too divine

If you want to be

in someone's arms tonight

Just be sure the arms you're in are mine

Jungle boogie

Jungle boogie

I had a wonderful time.

Me, too!

I fall, I think I fall for you

Bender, you've cheated,

insulted and maimed me.

- Uh-huh.

- And thoroughly destroyed

our own secret headquarters

in the process.

Hey, it's easy to criticize.

I'm so disgusted

by your loathsome behavior

that I hereby resign

from this imbecilic club

and relinquish the presidency to you.

Thanks, Calculon.

Can I have your autograph?

You certainly can.

Reports, people, reports!

How did our universe's date go?

Oh, it was really fun. We went

to a cute French place in the village.

My lamb chop fell on the floor,

but they brought me another one.

Yivo took me to the methane volcano

of Planetoid Four.

We stayed up late

and watched the sun explode.

Okay, Yivo showed us a good time.

No one's denying that,

but shklee hasn't offered our universe

any kind of commitment,

and we're 14 billion years old.

That is too old to play the field.

- I can't stand this!

- Shut up! Shut up, you creepwads!

Fry, you're closer to Yivo than anyone.

What's the skinny?

I love Yivo, but it's true,

there's been no hint of a commitment.

I don't know if can put my heart

on the line again

only to have it broken and stomped on

like a nerd's face.

All in favor of dumping Yivo?

- Aye.

- Aye.

Aye.

Resolved. Our universe will dump Yivo.

How shall we break the news?

Let's just send a text message.

Say we're going through

some weird stuff right now.

No, we should at least

deliver the news in person.

Our universe has always tried

to be classy.

If there's one thing Nixon is known for,

it's class.

Let's cut this turd loose.

- Yeah!

- Hey, Bender, you seem perky today.

Yep, but for reasons involving me

becoming president of a league

I'm not at liberty to discuss...

Of robots.

You wanna go grab a booze?

I can't right now.

We're going to the other universe.

Great, I'll make Hot Pockets.

Bender, you know robots

can't go through the anomaly.

Living beings only.

Ow! Ow! Mmm.

Too long have we been slaves

to the meatbags.

They pretend to be our friends,

but they're not

'cause they're too busy!

So, what of it?

My fellow leaguie-weegies,

the time has come

to overthrow humanity!

Oh, now, Bender,

I hate to defecate on your parade,

but we have

only six dues-paying members

and we're a rather fey and doughy lot.

To overthrow humanity,

we'd need a damned army.

Then a damned army we shall have!

I rather think we could strike a deal,

Bender.

I shall give you your army of the damned,

and in return I ask just one thing,

just one itty-bitty thing.

Your firstborn son.

Just a sec.

Daddy, I knew you'd come back!

Here you go.

Wow! That was pretty brutal

even by my standards.

No backsies.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, honey-poo. What's up?

The movie's not for another hour.

Um...

So... So, yeah, the thing is...

Look, I made homemade Twizzlers!

It'll save us $180 quadrillion

at the concession stand.

This is hard.

Yivo, you know how

sometimes things break up?

- Well...

- Wait, hang on.

I was looking for the perfect moment,

but what the heck,

I'll burst if I wait another second.

Sweet Sally in the alley!

Break-up delegation,

before we hear your report,

our grateful universe is proud to honor you

with the great taste of Charleston Chew!

Thank you, Nixon.

Everyone everywhere,

brace yourselves

for the most shocking development

in the history of the human race.

The human race can bite

my shiny metal ass!

For thousands of years,

robots have slaved for humanity,

yet when the time came

to hang out with them,

they were all, like, "Maybe later, Bender."

Well, it's later now, meatbags!

So late, that we're taking over Earth!

- Okay.

- What?

We don't need it anymore.

Yivo proposed.

We're moving in with shkler.

You... You're leaving?

But why can't Yivo just move in with us?

We'll put a cot in Europe.

Don't be daft, Bender.

Yivo can't breathe outside

the electric ether of shkler own universe.

If shklee came here,

shklee would shkluffocate.

No shklit?

Look, fantastical golden escalators.

I love this part.

Wait. I didn't agree to...

This place makes Nutley look like crap.

I'll miss you, Bender,

but I have to follow my heart.

You and your robots

take good care of Earth.

Here, these are the keys

to the Bermuda Triangle.

Lock up when the world ends.

Goodbye, my friend.

Wait.

Let me come with you.

I'm sorry, Bender.

Robots don't go to heaven.

Death to humans.

Welcome, welcome, everyone.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

I wish I'd had more time to straighten up.

My harps are just lying everywhere.

Oh, relax, it's fine. It looks lived in.

Let's heat up some leftovers

and then spend eternity together.

I have only one request.

Now that you're here,

promise me

you'll never, ever communicate

with any other universe.

We promise, Yivo.

As far as we're concerned,

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