Gambit Page #2

500,000 and your ticket home.

First class, of course.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Please, do not thank us.

It is the Major and I who should be

thanking you for the self-possession,

the good humour and the lan with which

you played your small but vital part.

- Eh, Major?

- Hear, hear, sir. Jolly well played.

We should be arriving

at Heathrow in mere minutes.

Mr Deane.

Mr Deane? Mr Deane.

Shouldn't have to tell her

any more than that.

Quite right.

But you will have to talk to her.

Hmm.

Back in a flash.

Mr Deane, for all his talents,

was given to one particular flaw.

He saw the world

as he wished to see it.

But, as we know, an optimist is simply

a man who hasn't heard the news.

As my time in the African Rifles

had taught me,

one ignored the elephant in the room

at one's peril.

Half a million pounds sterling.

Half a million...

- Hello.

- I believe the lady said get lost.

I'll take the chunky one!

Gonna open a can of whup-ass

on you now.

Major, for heaven's sake,

just be gentle.

- I'm trying to get...

- No, that's enough.

- Those people are barbarians.

- Other countries, other customs.

- How are we going to meet this woman?

- I remember one night in Botswana...

She's surrounded

by a Cro-Magnon Swiss Guard.

This wasn't the plan, Major.

How are we going to get back on plan?

You boys OK, huh?

Faces still on right ways round?

Yes, thank you.

All present and correct.

I do apologise on Merle.

He just loves a brawl.

Nose been broke so many times,

he had the cartilage taken out

so there wouldn't be downtime

between bar fights.

An expedient we might consider

if we spend much more time in Texas.

Heigh ho, friend.

I wouldn't recommend it.

May I draw your attention to the matter

which brought us here to meet you?

Sure.

So you're saying

that's like $800,000 American? Wow!

We don't have the money yet.

- But it's gonna work out, right?

- As long as we stay on plan.

Sounds like you really wanna

stick it to this guy. Here we are.

Inside is a man who weighs half a ton.

Michael was fork-lifted onto a stretcher

for transporting killer whales.

Shame! Shame!

Hey, Grandma! Alright, well, here it is.

Take your pick.

- Plenty of walls to choose from.

- Good morning.

Too fat!

Major, if you'd like to set

your camera up over there.

Perhaps if your grandmother

would move over for a moment.

Grandma Merle, these nice people

wanna take a picture here in the house.

Is everyone in this state named Merle?

- There you go.

- Good God. Is she unwell?

Oh, no, she's fine.

Grandma Merle just chews.

Ms Puznowski, could you slide

a little closer to your grandmother?

Ready, ladies? Say cheese.

Hard facts,

honest reporting. Shabandar.

His door is rather firmly shut

at the moment.

- Would you care to wait?

- Yes, thank you, I'll wait.

Lionel Shabandar

explains his formula for success

in his startling

new autobiography, "Me".

Welcome to the jungle.

We're here to help you cut through...

Huh!

Shabandar Media. Creating...

Go right in, Mr Deane.

- Your lordship...

- Yes, Deane?

That's a very nice suit, sir.

- What?

- Nothing.

I was leafing through the advance

on the Horse and Hunt the other day.

- The layout pages.

- Why on earth were you doing that?

Well, as a matter of fact, it's...

Well, why be coy?

It's a simple explanation,

so simple, in fact, that I...

Well, it's my favourite of your...

of your publications, sir.

Our publications

here at Shabandar Media.

Without wanting to overstate things,

I would say it may be my favourite...

publication ever, without the...

qualification of Shabandar Media,

et cetera, et cetera.

- Do you ride?

- Good God, no.

That is, I have ridden.

A birthday party. They had ponies.

Little Shetland ponies.

We traipsed around

in a circle in the garden.

I was, oh, six, seven years old.

It was my friend

Bobby Montaigne's birthday party.

He's a speech pathologist now.

And how well I remember it.

Made a deep impression, sir.

- Is there something I can help with?

- Yes, sir, there is. Thank you.

You see, I snuck an advance peek,

as I said, at the Horse and Hunt.

I was struck most particularly

by the piece on this PJ Puznowski,

the Texan horse person.

Equestrienne,

not a mutant or a mythical creature.

One imagines a... well, the bosom

of a woman and the hindquarters of...

- Did you happen to see it, sir?

- Yes.

I was struck by one particular picture.

Haystacks, Dusk.

- Yes. Exactly, sir.

- A reproduction, of course.

Really? You think so, sir?

Based on what, if I may ask?

Based on the fact that it was hanging on

the wall of a bloody caravan in Texas.

There is that.

- Is that all?

- Yes, sir.

Thank you.

But shouldn't we check, do research?

I could put together a memo.

- One of your memos, yes.

- The painting is so rarely reproduced,

I don't even know

if I've seen a reproduction.

And it's the very incongruity of it,

hanging, as you so discerningly...

Fine. Ring this woman up

and ask if she has an original Monet

on the wall in Shitbird, Texas.

- Did he bite, our little fishy?

- He's not hooked yet.

- But he's circling the bait.

- Not sure I follow you, old thing.

He's seen the painting

and he's considering being intrigued.

- Considering?

- Considering being, yes.

- Where's the girl?

- In a hotel in Dallas.

- Why is she in a hotel in Dallas?

- The passport office is there.

It turns out that the dear girl's

never been out of the country.

Now, ordinarily, a passport takes

eight weeks, but they can expedite.

Pay a couple of hundred pounds,

they'll hurry it along.

That's very nice of them.

Couple of hundred.

Right.

Your post, Mr Deane.

It is extraordinary, isn't it?

Well, it's very amusing if you should

turn out to have been right.

I am here to amuse, sir.

So shall we bring her in?

- Who?

- The cowgirl, sir. PJ Puznowski.

Her grandfather, and all this

confirmed in the US military records,

Bulldog Puznowski.

Yes, yes, I read the memo,

but why would I bring her in?

If the painting is real

and if she wants to sell it,

I certainly don't want to seem

overly eager. No, no, no, no.

Ring her up and tell her

if ever she finds herself in London,

I'd be happy to carve out

a few minutes for a chat.

Let her invest

in the deal coming off.

- I see, sir. It's brilliant.

- Nonsense, Deane. It's elementary.

- Prat.

- Wanker.

- Unrestricted economy fare.

- That's what they call it, sir.

Of course, they use the word "economy"

with a certain looseness.

Looseness? It's a positive leap

of the poetic imagination.

Very good, sir. Well put.

- Still, we can't count our pennies.

- Oh, no, sir.

Not with millions in the offing.

- There she is.

- Great to meet you. You take care.

Hey, boys! Hi!

Wow. That was a very comfortable flight.

Excellent. Welcome to London.

Thank you. Oh, thank you, Major.

Yes, still holding.

Can't see her today? Any time today?

At the end of the day, could he see her?

Needn't take long.

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