Garden State Page #6

I pushed her.

So there that is.

- Shut up!

- F*** off.

- No. That's the truth.

- Why?

It was just a complete

freak accident, you know?

It's one of those things you replay

a million times in your head...

and you see how clearly it was

just a complete freak thing.

My-My whole life, she was

depressed for no reason.

And... one day,

you know...

I was a little kid.

I was nine years old...

and I just

hated her for that.

And... I pushed her.

And it was innocent.

I was just completely frustrated.

- 'Cause...

- 'Cause you couldn't make her happy?

Yeah! F***, yeah!

And any other time, you know...

any other day, she would havejust

yelled at me and sent me to my room.

But this day...

on this particular day...

the door of the dishwasher...

had fallen open...

the latch on it was broken.

And it would just

randomly fall open.

That f***in' latch,

you know.

It's really amazing how much of my life has been

determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic.

But...

So, anyway, she, uh...

she fell back over the door...

and, uh, hit her neck on the kitchen counter,

paralyzing her from the waist down.

- Wow.

- Still want to compare f***ed-up families?

But your mom was in the wheelchair

long before you left.

Yeah. Well, I was nine.

So they sent me to therapy

and put me on these drugs...

that were supposed to

"curb my anger,"

and I've been on some

form of them ever since.

And when I was 16, my psychiatrist dad

came around to the conclusion that...

it probably wasn't the best environment

for me to be growing up in, so...

he sent me to boarding school.

- And I haven't been home since.

- Until now.

- For her funeral.

- Till now for her funeral.

I can't believe the retarded

quarterback's a pill-popper.

- Jesse?

Where's the sauna?

- I'll show her.

- No, I-I got it.

- No, you get her a towel.

- Wait. Wait.

Want a ride, sweetheart?

You're in it

right now, aren't you?

- What do you mean?

- My mom always says that when she can see...

I'm, like, working something out in my head,

she's like, "You're in it right now."

And I'm lookin' at you,

and you're...

telling me

that story, and...

you're definitely

in it right now.

I think you're right.

I am in it.

Okay. I mean, whatever. All right.

Can we just change the subject, okay?

Let's just... Let's just

talk about good stuff.

- Good stuff?

- Yeah, like "glass half-full" sh*t.

- What do you got?

- Got a little buzz. Got that.

- What you got?

- I got a little buzz goin'.

And I like you.

So there's that.

I guess I have that.

I can tap-dance.

You want to see me tap-dance?

I would love

to see you tap-dance.

- What are you doing?

- You collect Desert Storm trading cards?

F*** yeah. Those things

are collector's items, man.

You have any idea how much

those things are gonna be worth one day?

- Really?

- Hell, yeah. That's just like an investment.

I have lots of little investments

all over the place.

One day I'm gonna sell all of'em

just f***in' live off of it.

So, like how much

is this one worth?

- Which?

- "Night Vision Goggles."

I don't know. Mint?

Uh, two, maybe three.

- Dollars?

- Yeah.

It's too early. You don't sell 'em yet.

Don't you know anything about investing?

I'm gonna

live off that sh*t.

If you have a complete set,

it's worth, like, thousands.

- So do you have the complete set?

- Almost.

The corners are bent on my "Friendly Fire,"

and someone stole my "Wolf Blitzer."

Now, look.

Whaddya got to do today? 'Cause, uh...

I got you a little

going-away present...

but, uh, I gotta kind of

track it down first.

- So can you give me a ride?

- Uh, yeah. I just, uh...

- What?

- No, nothin'. I just, uh...

Say it. Speak.

I kinda told Sam I was gonna

hang out with her today.

- So, uh...

- She can come. I don't care.

I can't believe we're in

f***ing Handi-World.

I really don't want

to be in Handi-World.

We're getting money

for your present. Don't look so guilty.

- How do I look guilty?

- Andrew Largeman?

- Oh, no. Benson.

- Oh, no.

- Who is that?

- Just don't give him your number.

Hey, man. What's up?

- Holy sh*t!

- How's it goin'?

- I haven't seen you since, like, junior year.

- Yeah.

- I thought you killed yourself.

- What?

I thought

you killed yourself.

- That wasn't you?

- No, no. That wasn't me.

- Who killed themselves?

- That was the Gleason kid.

- Oh.

- Oh, and Tina.

- Tina who?

- You remember Tina.

- She was anorexic, did gymnastics...

- Oh, gymnastics Tina?

- How'd she do it?

- I don't know. She wasn'tJewish. I didn't bury her.

I think it was sleeping pills.

Or that car in the garage thing. I forgot.

- Uh, sorry, this is Sam, Karl. Karl, Sam?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I gotta go find that thing.

- Uh, you two stay here. I'll be right back.

- Is it heavy, or... Okay.

- Hey, weren't you on a TV show or something?

- Yeah, it was just this show.

So, uh, you're like

workin' here. That's cool.

Only for a little while.

I'm opening my own business.

Actually, I should

talk to you about it.

I'm lookin' for smart people

like you, Large.

- I should get your number.

- Yeah, definitely. That'd be... That'd be cool.

I'd like to talk

to you... both...

about a good opportunity

for you and your loved ones.

We all have dreams.

I know I do!

I'd like to talk to you about an exciting

opportunity that people are talking about.

- We gotta get goin'.

- Oh, okay. It was good to see you, Karl.

- Hey, I should get your number.

- Yeah, definitely.

Well, I'll call you because

I think he has it in his book.

Nice to meet you.

Why is it always the losers that get

caught up in the pyramid schemes?

Why can't it be some charming, hot girl

nagging you incessantly to buy some sh*t?

- Is that what he's doin'?

- Yeah. It's detergent or some sh*t.

Why are you buying knives?

I don't need knives.

- I'd like to return these.

- You got a receipt?

- Actually, no. They're a gift.

- Why are you returning these?

- They're not sharp enough.

- They're not sharp enough?

No. Not for what

we need them for.

- They couldn't cut cans.

- You bought them to cut cans?

No, but in the commercial,

it said if I wanted to cut cans, I could.

- With these knives, I can't.

- It comes with a sharpener.

- Did you try it?

- Yeah. They're just...

- I don't want them. They're not sharp enough.

- Okay.

A major loophole in the Handi-World

return policy is that they permit returns...

without receipts

on items below $40.

So, how often do you go?

I hit every employee once,

and then I wait until they hire new ones.

Luckily, nobody stays at

Handi-World for very long.

- Except for Karl Benson.

- You know, Mark, it's my last day in town.

- If you need money, I could loan you some.

- I don't need your money.

- I'm making my own right now.

- F***, takeJesse's. The guy's a millionaire.

I don't take anybody's money.

Okay, Andrew?

I make my own.

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