Garden State Page #7

is a favor involving money. Okay?

Let's go. I gotta see

a guy about a nitrous tank.

- What is this place?

I think you can see

into the hotel rooms.

Oh, yeah!

Ohh! Ohh! Yeah!

I'm gonna f***in'cum!

That sh*t was hot.

That sh*t was hot.

I gotta go drop some knowledge

on that ho right there.

How do you know

she's a hooker?

Of course she's

a f***in' hooker.

Girls who look like her do not

f*** guys that look like him...

unless it's for

coke, money or fame.

Well, Julia Roberts

married Lyle Lovett.

- Who the f*** are you?

- This is Sam. This is Large.

No offense, man. But why are you

bringing these f***in' people here?

This is the guy who

needs that thing. Wait.

I brought you

the tank. Okay?

- Could you just tell us where to go now?

- That thing come with balloons?

What am I, a f***in' birthday clown?

No. It doesn't come with balloons.

Suck it off the tap. And I need

it back when you're done...

- because that guy's holdin' my 39 bucks.

- All right.

Hold up. Hold up!

Who here just

saw some titties?

Raise you hand if you

just saw some titties. Hmm?

Thank you! So everybody

just calm the f*** down!

Now. You know where

Kiernan's Quarry is?

- Down in Newark, right?

- Yeah.

It's at the bottom of

Hillside and Rivington.

You can't really see it

from the street, but it's there.

Park your car at the gate

and hop the fence.

At the bottom of the quarry, there's this

junkyard run by this guy named... Albert.

He's the one that tracked down

the piece you're lookin'for. All right?

I'll call him right now

and tell him to expect you.

Okay, stop. What

the f*** are we doin'?

- Just be patient, man.

- We've been patient all day...

but it's my last day and you haven't

told us what we're doin'.

If you told me we were going on a six-hour hunt

for blow, I would've passed.

If I was gonna get you coke, we would've gone

to the f***in' high school football practice.

We would have been

rolling five hours ago.

I think we corrupted

this innocent girl enough.

- I'm not innocent!

- Yes, you are! All right?

That's what I like about you.

I don't want this guy taking you to,

like, some sketchy quarry...

in the middle of nowhere to find, like,

crack whores huffing turpentine...

or pit bulls raping each other

or whatever it is you have us doing!

Wow. That's like the most

worked-up I've ever seen you.

- He was protecting me.

- So?

- He likes me.

- Don't be cute.

He's my knight

in shining armor.

Don't talk about knights in front of Mark.

It's a sore subject.

- I'm gonna kill that motherf***er.

- Pun intended?

Oh, you're f***in'...

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Ow! Ow!

- Oh, my God.

- Wow!

I never even knew

this was here.

I've heard about it. They were

supposed to build a mall here, I think.

Yeah. I remember reading about that

in the paper, that they were...

digging or something, and they break

into this natural phenomenon.

It's like an underground

Grand Canyon or something.

Now they're in some huge legal battle

over whether they can build here or not.

Can you imagine the guy whose job it is

to fight for his right to build a mall...

on some, like, geological phenomenon?

They love their

malls here, man.

All right. Let's find

this guy and get out of here.

- You're not gonna tell us what we're getting?

- It's a surprise. You'll see.

I think it's gonna rain.

So this is it.

So knock! Knock and barter

for Desert Storm trading cards.

Don't tease me about my hobbies.

I don't tease you about being an a**hole.

Okay!

- Mark?

- Yeah. Albert?

Come on in.

Oh, man. You guys

must be freezing.

Make yourselves warm by the fire.

I'm just gonna go put her down.

Okay? I'll be

right back out.

Ah, I must say, I'm continually impressed

with how each place you bring us...

- continues to be weirder and weirder.

- What do you mean? This is nice.

Oh, nothing. Just hangin' out on an old boat

at the bottom of a quarry in Newark.

It's hardly

the bottom, dude.

Did you check out

that cliff down there?

Hey! This is my wife, Faye.

Hi! Welcome.

Please. Have a seat.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Man, it's really

comin' down out there.

- It just started pouring all of a sudden.

- Well...

in a bad storm, I like to pretend that

this old boat's my own private ark.

Um, unfortunately,

if this is the apocalypse...

- I'm not quite sure it still floats.

- Yeah, I don't know.

- Listen, would anybody like some tea?

- I'd love some. Thank you.

Do you want some?

I'll be right back.

What is this place?

What is it that you do down here?

Well, we're calling it

Kiernan's Fault. It's, uh...

No one really knows what it is because

we haven't been able to explore it.

Meanwhile, while they're locked

in litigation, they hired me...

- to make sure no one comes inside.

- Wow.

But what they don't know is

that at night I climb down.

So, how deep does it go?

Thank you.

You know... Thank you.

No one really knows.

But I like to pretend

it's infinite.

It's kind of an odd job.

- Guardian of an infinite abyss.

- Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.

But we also trade and deal

in antique jewelry.

I suppose it is odd that

we live down here like this.

- No.

- Not at all.

- Never crossed my mind.

Well,

we think it's important.

Why? What is it that you

think you're gonna find?

I guess I just like the idea

of discovering something.

Of doing something

that's completely unique...

that's never

been done before.

- "Albert's Abyss."

- Well, maybe. Who knows?

But, you know what?

That's all ego.

None of that really matters. If I get to be

with this person right here...

and our beautiful baby...

that's all I need.

Well, I suppose you want

what you came all the way down here for.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be great.

It took me a while

to track this piece down...

but I owed Diego huge.

That's it.

Thank you so much.

- Yeah.

- Really.

Good luck in the rain. Um, do you guys

want some garbage bags or something?

- Yeah.

- Okay. That'd be great.

Good-bye!

- Hey, Albert!

- Yeah?

Good luck exploring

the infinite abyss.

Thank you. Hey!

You too.

Whoo!

So, uh, I don't know if

I'm gonna see you, man.

Don't you want to know

what's in the bag?

To be honest, I don't even care anymore.

What is it?

It's my mom's

favorite necklace.

I'd be lying to you if I told you

it was my plan all along.

But... I got it back to you, right?

That's gotta be worth something.

This whole day

was about this?

You didn't want it

down there with her.

It's better it's with you.

Okay.

Hey! If you ever need a Kato,

you know where to find me.

It's funny. This, uh...

This necklace reminds me of this really

random memory of my mother.

I was a little kid, and I was cryin'

for one reason or another.

And, uh...

She was just like, you know, cradling me

and rocking me back and forth.

I can remember seeing the little balls

in this thing just floating back and forth.

And, uh...

And there was just, like,

snot dripping down my nose, right?

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