Gayby Page #6

Whitey.

Hey, could I get...

change for this for these?.

Thank you.

Is this for

the Manhattan or the Martini?.

[cell phone rings]

I'm sorry, do you

mind if I take this?.

Right now?.

Yeah, real quickly.

Hello.

Hi, Adam, it's Lilith.

Lilith?.

She was Eve, before Eve.

I see.

Well, Lilith, I'm a little

busy right now.

Are you on a date

with someone else?.

Say my name.

Say my name.

Okay.

How about we talk tomorrow.

Try not to get all

weird on me, all right?.

Oh, I'm already there.

- I'm sorry about that.

- Who was that?.

Oh, girl, you look so sad.

- This is nice.

- Yeah.

You know what would be nicer?.

What?.

Um...

If we took off our shirts.

Okay.

- Oh, glasses.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh, there we go.

[keys clanging]

What was that?.

I'm sorry, that's...

That's my friend Jenn.

Hey, I dropped my keys.

I thought you were on a date.

Yeah...

No, it didn't go so good.

I'm sorry.

Could you go away

for a while

and then come back?.

I need some more time.

Can I go downstairs in the room

with the comic books?.

No.

Who is it tonight?. Lorenzo?.

It's that guy from the store.

So maybe you could go

back to your place for a bit,

and I'll text you.

Sure. Yeah, sure.

Thank you so much.

Oh, hey, don't you do

anything that I wouldn't do.

Okay...

There are actually a lot

of things that I would do,

that you wouldn't do,

that I just might do.

I did booty sex once!

Oh...

What are you

doing here so late?.

I was priming.

I don't know what that means.

Don't worry about it.

I do my own stuff

during the day.

I need light for my work.

I save this for the night.

It calms me.

My work is really...violent.

Oh, I'd like to see it sometime.

I don't know

if you can handle it.

[clears throat]

What's wrong?.

Your color's...off.

Oh, I just had this

really terrible date

with this judgmental

do-gooder douche bag.

- Oh man, I hate that type.

- Yeah.

And the guy that

I'm having sex with,

and the guy I like

are both busy.

So, you know...

You're polyamorous...

Right on.

Yeah.

And I'm taking these herbs

that are making me feel

Iike all sorts of weird.

What kind of weird?.

Like crazy, horny weird.

Oh... You wanna have sex?.

I'm basically done here.

- I've got half an hour to kill.

- Let's kill it.

?

[moaning]

No, wait, wait, wait.

Do you have a condom?.

Uh...

I don't think so.

I wasn't really

expecting this tonight.

Do you have any?.

Yeah. In the bathroom

there's a 1 2-pack

from when I first moved in.

Okay... I'll bring the box.

Hurry up.

[gasping, moaning]

Don't worry.

It's water-based.

- What?.

- Water-based.

- The lube?.

- No, the paint.

- The what?.

- The wall, it's still wet.

- I'm so wet.

- Hell, yeah.

- Don't stop.

- Hell, no!

Don't you dare stop!

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Whoa.

Yeah.

That was really athletic.

Yeah.

You sure you don't

want to do it tonight?.

Yeah, let's just

do it in the morning.

Okay.

Maybe we should try

that turkey baster thing.

Really?.

You sound disappointed.

No...

I mean, obviously, no.

I am gay.

Is something wrong?.

No, no.

I've just been working a lot.

I'm really tired.

You're stretched out

from all that yoga?.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Nelly?.

This is she.

Hey...

Do you have any of those

needle-less syringe things

we used to give

your cat meds with?.

Yeah, I have a whole box

of them. Why?.

Jenn and I need some.

We've decided to move past sex.

Oh, good, because let me say,

that was really ridiculous.

Could you bring some over?.

Now?.

Why are you whispering?.

Because I'm in

a magical land called Astoria,

where no one need

speak above a whisper.

I gotta go.

Gimme some sugar.

You woke me up

and made me come here

and went back to sleep?.

Get up.

Hey.

I'm so glad that my cat's death

could help you procreate.

Is that what I think it is?.

Yes, it's

Miss Lulu Kitty's ashes.

She needed to be here

if she's gonna help create life.

Oh, okay.

Well, hi, Miss Lulu Kitty.

Thank you for the syringes.

If it's a girl you should name

her Lucretia as an homage.

And what if it's a boy?.

I don't know.

Ash?. Tin?.

Ashton.

- I'm gonna get to it.

- Go for it.

- Do you want to help?.

- Nope, not into you.

- Not even a little bit?.

- Nope, and not ever.

That's because you loved Tom.

Partially...

And you hated me

when I started dating him.

Definitely.

But you're still my friend.

We work on the same block

and you're a good lunch date.

Besides, I like that

I have one friend

that I'm not

secretly in love with.

That's refreshing

and rare for us gays.

That's true.

Hug me?.

No, not this early.

Gross.

I'm gonna go jerk off.

Can you hurry up, please?.

I need to go to brunch.

[whispers]

I love you, Miss Lulu.

Oh, hey, Nelson.

Where's Matt?.

In the bathroom jerking off

into my dead cat's

oral medicine dispenser

so that he can inject you

with his baby juice.

Before my first cup of coffee?.

Well, you better have one,

because once he ejaculates,

you really should insert it

within the first 20 minutes.

Okay.

It's 1 0;. 1 5. Do you know

where your cervix is?.

You know, not really.

Stick your index finger

in your vagina.

- Not here.

- Okay.

And you want to feel along

the inside of your sugar walls,

towards the front.

this way.

How do you know

so much about this?.

I have two children.

- Really?.

- Yes.

One with each half

of a lesbian couple.

I gave up my parental rights,

but I see them sometimes.

Not as often as I'd like,

'cause they live in Park Slope.

- I'm kind of their aunt.

- That is so sweet.

Yeah, anyway, your cervix is

near the top of your vagina.

It's kind of squishy, like--

You need

to stay and help us.

Of course I do.

Okay, let's lift

this pillow a little bit.

Okay.

How's the pillow?.

Oh, it's okay.

- Are you ready?.

- Yeah.

Are you ready?.

[blows kiss]

Sperm.

I have to shoot this in slowly,

so it'll take a hot minute.

Nice yard work.

Oh, thank you, l...

There... All done.

Now, don't move

for a half an hour.

Are you using a predictor kit?.

I'm using an online

lunar cycle ovulation calendar.

That'll do.

Now do this at least once

a day for four more days,

and it'll probably work.

It worked both times for me.

Thank you...so much.

- Just make me Goddess-mother.

- No, really. Thank you.

You - take me

and Miss Lulu to brunch.

You - stay there

for 30 minutes.

Okay.

Can you bring me a...

a crepe?.

?

[belch]

Yeah...

What?.

Oops.

Don't worry about it.

It's time.

Oh, no!

I'm sad you're leaving.

I haven't spent this much

time with you since college.

It's been fun.

That's why I'm leaving

right now, while it's still fun.

I don't want to

over-stay my welcome.

You could never.

Yes I could, trust me.

I have a good feeling

about this month.

Me too.

?

[door squeaks open]

No one signed up

for my prenatal class.

Pregnant women

are not into hot yoga.

Can I ask you something crazy?.

Something crazy?.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes