Gayby Page #8

Yeah, and that one broke too.

And then you put on another one.

And that one broke.

The last one broke?.

You did not tell me that!

I thought you knew.

And it was a little bit

too late at that point.

Too late?.

I was finishing.

And you were telling me

not to stop.

I thought you felt it break

and didn't care.

I care!

Then why do you have a box

of five-year-old condoms

in your medicine cabinet.

There was a layer of dust on

those things like an inch thick.

I haven't needed them lately.

Look, I'm pretty sure that

it broke as I was pulling out,

so if you're not pregnant by now

we have nothing to worry about.

No...

You have nothing to worry about.

You should just go.

You...wanna...maybe?.

No. I don't.

You need to go. Now. Out.

All right.

I like this new color.

[sighs]

Hey, did I miss Louis?.

I'm sorry, what?.

My brother.

Was he in class today?.

Did I miss him?.

Oh, yeah he was just here.

So, how was he?.

In what way?.

As a painter.

Oh right...

Yeah, of course, I'm...

I thought that

you meant in class.

Everything was just fine.

He didn't even charge me.

Did you have sex

with my brother?.

I...don't--

Oh, my God!

I know that face.

I've been seeing that look

on my friends' faces

since high school.

It just happened one night.

I cannot believe he's still

doing this sh*t to Susan.

But he said that they broke up.

Yeah.

He breaks up with her

when it's convenient for him.

It won't happen again.

No, it won't.

You should take

a break for a few days.

Take a week off.

Yeah, no...

I don't really need--

It's not a request.

Take a break!

[answering machine beep]

Hey, it's me.

How's our baby?.

Are you dealing with

my birthday cake still?.

I think I'm gonna invite Scott

to have our first

sleepover after my party.

[beep]

I realized today that I haven't

had sex with anyone but Tom -

oh, and you -

in almost seven years.

That is crazy.

I'm getting really excited

about Friday night.

[beep]

Good morning.

Happy birthday to me!

I really don't want to make

this all about me, Jenn...

but you're ruining

my birthday - again.

[beep]

Jennifer, it's your mother.

(Matt)

I'm getting worried...

Are you okay?.

Is the baby okay?.

I'm fine.

The baby's fine.

I'm coming right over.

[music plays,

people chattering]

- Oh, darn.

- What?.

I forgot the cake.

Don't worry,

I took care of it.

Matt, I have to

tell you something.

What?. Oh, wait...

It's not gonna ruin

my birthday, is it?.

Did you see Scott

with someone else?.

- No.

- Oh.

- How bad could it be then?.

- Bad.

You remember the night that

I went back to my apartment

for a few hours, and the

house painter was there.

Mm hmm.

I accidentally

had sex with him.

Oh, no, Jenn.

Do you have

feelings for him or...

I thought he was a jerk.

You depressed?.

Do you want a hug?.

No.

And it's not that.

Oh.

Of course, we used a condom,

but it broke.

And then we used

another condom and it broke...

And then we used another

condom and that one broke too.

And it was around

the same time--

What do you mean, exactly?.

I mean there's

a really small chance

that the baby might be his,

and not yours.

Happy Birthday!

Surprise!

Wait, you didn't tell me

it was a surprise party.

Oh, great!

Now you show up.

Uh, is he...

He is not okay.

I'm gonna wait for this...

For him to come back.

- Do you need help?.

- No, not really.

Not that kind...

Maybe later.

Where's Jenn?.

She texted me.

She needs me.

Have you seen--

Oh, it's fine.

Where'd you get that shirt?.

- Uh...

- It's really cute.

Okay, you can go.

Oh, she's in there.

Oh, aw...

Should we call him again?.

I already said

he turned his phone off.

You say a lot of things, Nelson.

Oh, my God,

this is so not about us.

How do you guys

know each other?.

We're bar enemies.

She used to troll

at the same bar I hung out at.

Oh, I trolled,

and you hung out?.

That's what it looked like.

Anyone who was at The Pipe

at 3 AM was trolling,

including you.

Guys, stop.

She's just mad because

she and I have the same type

but I always got first choice,

and she had to settle

for my leftovers.

And if she believes that,

she is out of his mind.

Don't you mix

my gender pronouns.

I will speak in the

her person whenever I want.

- Deal with it, aging twink.

- Feminine bear.

You would be effemina-phobic.

Self-loathe much?.

Don't you dare.

I own my womanhood.

I'm a proud Sissy Queen,

Miss Nelly Bear 8.

Checking out

my online profile again?.

When I need to laugh.

[cell phone ring tone]

? Hey, girl, hey... ?

[whispers]

Hi.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, bye.

Was that Matt?.

Yeah.

He said he won't come home

until you aren't here anymore.

Okay.

And I'm sure this has nothing

to do with what just happened,

but he asked if you

could leave your keys.

Okay.

I should go after her.

She probably needs

some time alone.

But feel free to leave here.

I despise you.

Likewise.

What does the 8 stand for,

Nelly Bear 8?.

What do you think?.

Don't you flirt with me

if you don't mean it.

Woof.

Bears don't say, "Woof."

They say, "Grrr."

Email me.

Oh, I will.

?

? I look and stare

so deep in your eyes ?

? I touch on you

more and more every time ?

? When you leave

I'm begging you not to go ?

? Call your name... ?

[answering machine beep]

Pick up.

Linda has me covering

all of your classes.

Please come back to work.

She'll forgive you.

And so will Matt...eventually.

[answering machine beep]

Good news.

Warm-Warm Yoga is so popular

that we've added

two extra classes.

Get it together.

? Got me looking so crazy

right now, your love ?

? Got me looking

so crazy right now ?

? Got me looking so crazy

right now, your touch ?

? Got me looking

so crazy right now ?

? Got me hoping you'll save

me right now, your kiss ?

[answering machine beep]

Jennifer, it's your mother...

? Looking so crazy ?

? Love got me looking ?

? Looking so crazy

in love... ?

? Crazy right now... ?

? Got me looking,

looking, looking... ?

? Looking so crazy ?

This is incredible.

It's the best thing

you've ever done.

It's just a comic book.

Super-Gayby?.

I think we both know

exactly what this is about.

I can't talk about it.

Let's talk about

anything else. Please.

Anything?. Fine.

I went to dinner with Tom

and his friends last night.

Awesome...

How is he?.

Still the same - boring.

He got another

promotion at work.

Everything comes

so easily to him.

I know, that always

drove me crazy.

We have actual challenges,

but we face them.

Like when I quit

smoking and got fat,

and got too depressed to shave,

I turned myself into a bear.

- And you--

- Okay...

Is this a pep talk?.

'Cause I can't.

Look...

It does not matter

whose sperm it was.

That baby is yours and Jenn's.

You're gonna make

an amazing father.

I know it.

Could you just not cop out?.

How much for the pink thing?.

That's a mounted ceramic

elephantine bust - and not now.

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