Gayby Page #9

I'm sorry, I'm conversing

with my distressed friend.

- Bitchy queen.

- Yup.

And you...

Can you just be

a father to that baby

so it doesn't grow up

to be a douche bag

Iike everybody else

in this city.

All the good people

have moved.

Do you have anything

that will make me

not want to stay

in bed until I die?.

I can mix something that

will improve your mood.

Not the horny goat though;

that was a disaster.

It really is one of the

better energy and mood boosters.

I don't need

that kind of energy.

Okay, we'll leave it out.

I have a mood mix.

It will give you vivid dreams,

but it's really effective.

But having more energy

and a better mood

is not gonna solve

all your problems.

Oh, trust me, I know.

Hey, Scott.

It's Matt...

I got your gift...

the broken watch.

And I get it.

I'm cool with taking it slow.

As long as slow means that

we're only dating each other,

and no one else.

That's all.

Gimme a call,

I hope you're good.

Okay, bye.

Wait...

Today's Wednesday, right?.

Did I come in

on the wrong day?.

No. Yeah, today's Wednesday.

So I thought

this was your day off.

It's okay.

I decided to work

on Wednesdays now,

so I could see

all my industry friends

who come in on Wednesday.

Yeah, I get that.

Good, 'cause, um,

I kinda have to ask you

to not come in

on Wednesdays anymore -

if that's okay?.

When should I come in?.

Well, Cosmic Comics

is only five blocks away.

You could go there.

It's closer to where you live.

I hadn't thought about that...

What's going on

with you today?.

You're being so...assertive.

Well, while I'm on a roll,

I have a favor to ask you.

I finished a book.

And I think that Kapow

is the perfect fit and...

Sure, yes.

I don't know why you

haven't asked me before.

Of course.

Just send it to me at work.

I'll show it to Larry.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I think I'm gonna go...now.

It's good to see you.

I'm glad you're doing well.

I'm proud of you, man!

Thank you.

Did I do okay?.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Victory.

Wake up.

We have to talk.

I can't.

You can get pregnant

with a guy or some other guy,

but you can't talk

to your sister?.

- Get up!

- Wait. Who told you that?.

Your gay friend.

You talked to Matt?.

- No, the other one.

- Jamie?.

Who can keep track of names

with all your gay friends?.

I mean, having a girlfriend

wouldn't kill you.

Well, who could live up to you?.

Shut up.

Look...

My adoption isn't working out.

So...I have a solution.

Give me your baby.

Wha-- What?.

You can barely

take care of yourself.

How are you gonna

handle a baby?.

I do just fine.

Do you even have a job anymore

after banging

your boss' brother?.

Jamie told you that too?.

He told me everything.

I bought him lunch.

He's a cheap date.

You know, I can get

a new job any day.

Let's be real here.

I have a husband...

with a great job.

I have a nursery ready.

I can do hair if I want,

but I don't need to work.

Wait...

Are you serious?.

Yeah, your kid would

have a better life with me.

Who the hell

do you think you are?.

A baby needs two parents.

This baby has two parents.

Almost three.

But I mean real parents.

When Matt forgives me,

he's going to be

an amazing father.

He works at a comic book store

like a fat person.

Since when does parenting

have to do with your job,

or your money,

or your waistline?.

How much money do you have?.

Are you planning on

getting yours from the trust?.

I can block it.

Uncle Henry

always listens to me.

You know that.

I don't need that money.

I am great at what I do.

My latest class is a smash

and I can teach it anywhere.

And you can

raise a baby alone...

even if Matt

doesn't forgive you?.

- You really think that's true?.

- I know that it's true.

I love this baby.

I'm going to do

everything in my power

to make sure

it has the best life.

Good.

Now go take a shower

and get yourself together.

We have a big day ahead of us.

Wait, are you off your meds?.

Come on, Jenn,

it's called tough love.

Do you really think

I wanted your baby?.

I don't need two.

Sade is coming next week.

I totally fibbed.

Really?. That's so fantastic.

Wait, Sade?.

It's not Sadie?.

Sade is cooler.

Yeah.

I think that fight

might have been

the most amazing thing

you've ever done for me.

I know.

I'm fantastic.

Now come on.

Go get your job

and your gay daddy back,

so we can shop for

our babies all weekend.

?

So, you're not dead.

I should kill you

for telling my sister...

but thanks.

You're welcome.

Where's Valerie?.

She left to get her PhD.

Oh, wow.

Is Linda here?.

She's in her office.

Good luck.

Hi, Linda, I'm here.

I'm really sorry

I slept with your brother.

I've been trying to get pregnant

and I was basically in heat.

And we had a kind of

an animal moment--

Stop. I don't wanna hear

anymore about that.

Of course.

You know, I'm coming into

some money soon.

It's not a lot, but...

I was thinking maybe I could

buy into the business,

so I can have a stake,

and maybe a future here.

Oh, that's interesting.

I would love to go on vacation.

I'm ready to do it.

You know, your Warm-Warm

Yoga idea has really taken off -

even with the silly name.

Why don't we go

to the park tomorrow

and get a yogurt

and discuss it?.

That sounds really nice.

I always meant to be friendlier.

I am jealous of what

you and Jamie have.

Maybe we could restart

our friendship today.

Okay.

Hey, when you go

will you take that package out

and give it to Jamie

to take to the post office?.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, a package.

That's good news.

It means you weren't fired.

Actually, it's for you.

B*tch.

I'll take it.

I have my moped.

Should you even

be riding that thing?.

I'm pregnant...

I ride a moped...

I teach hot yoga...

I rock.

Work. Take a day off.

And then work.

- Work.

- Work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'm gonna get a coffee.

Hi, I'm Neil.

Hi, I'm Jenn.

He's really cute.

Well, why don't you

have sex with him too?.

He's single.

Matt, I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear it.

It's not about that.

About what then?.

I stopped talking

to you in college

because the very next night

after we had sex,

you made out with Josh Spitz,

right in front of me.

And you were jealous?.

You knew that I had

the hugest crush on him,

and you always said

you thought he was gross.

He was so gay though, Jenn.

I have no gaydar.

It's my thing.

And it seemed like you

were doing it on purpose,

because you didn't want me

to get any ideas about us.

No, not at all.

I think I was high on ecstasy.

- Really?.

- Yeah.

I think I was

really, really high on ecstasy

and I made out with him

because he was

standing in front of me.

Wow.

I was really hurt.

I thought it was all about me.

You often do.

Matt, it is gonna be our baby,

no matter what.

Damn right it is.

You should have just

told me right away...

and not on my birthday,

at my party.

I have a new rule -

never on a birthday.

Never on my birthday.

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