George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #10

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handle all the casualties,

so these people rape all the nurses

and set the hospital on fire...!

...and the flames drive

them ever crazier,

so they start stabbing social

workers and garbage men...!

And a big wind comes along,

and the entire city goes up in flames,

and the people who are still healthy,

they get mad at the sick people

and they start crucifying them!

Nailing them into crosses,

trying on their underwear,

sh*t like that!

Then everybody smokes crack,

and PCP and they march on City Hall,

where they burn the Mayor

at the stake, strangle his wife,

and take turns sodomizing

the statue of Larry Flint!

And at this point,

it looks like pretty soon

things are gonna start

to get out of control!

So everybody panics, and tries to

leave the city at the same time,

and they trample each other to death

in the streets by the thousands,

and wild dogs eat

their corpses...

...and the wild dogs chase the rest

of the people down the highway,

and one by one the dogs pick up

the old fucks and the slow people,

'cause they're in the fast lane,

where they don't belong!

Get the f*** out of the fast

lane if you're an old f***,

if you're a slow f***!

Get over on the right! And then...

And the lucky ones,

the lucky people who managed

to make it all the way outside of town,

they discover when they get there,

that big sparks from the city

have lit the suburbs on fire...!

...and the suburbs

burn uncontrollolably,

and thousands of identical homes,

of identical fires with identical smoke...

...killing all the identical

soccer moms,

and their identical kids named

Jason and Jennifer...!

And now the fire spreads

on the farmlands,

and the farmlands burn intensely,

at 425 degrees,

creating millions of

baked potatoes, and...

...as the farmlands burn,

thousands of barns and

farmhouses begin to explode

from all the heat and

metamphetamine labs!

...and the meth chemicals run

down into the rivers and streams,

while wild animals drink the water

and get completely geeked on speed!

So bears and wolves

amped up on crank

start roaming the countryside

looking for people to eat!

Even though they're not

really hungry!

And the fire spreads through the forests,

and the forests burn furiously,

and hundreds of elves

and trolls and fairies

come running out of the woods,

screaming:
"Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!"

And he is! He is! Finally

that f***ing little

c*nt Bambi is dead! Dead!

Now, hundreds of regional

fires come together

into one huge

interstate inferno...!

...and all twelve of the western United States

are burning out of control....!

Except Utah, where the

mormons don't love fires...

And the fires spread

across the great plains,

toasting the wheat, cooking

the cattle and producing...

hamburgers, actually!

And it leads to Mississippi,

and rinses thru the South,

blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings

and killing millions of

in-bred people, and then -

...it turns north-east and

heads for Washington D.C.,

where George Bush can't decide

if it's an emergency or not!

I can't decide this!

He doesn't know!

It's hard work!

You know?

He can't decide because

Dick Cheney is in prison! So...

...instead he takes a nap!

He puts his empty f***ing brainless

head down on the little pillow

his mother gave him at Christmas time,

and he takes a f***ing nap...!

So the fire moves to Philadelphia,

but it's a weekend,

and Philadelphia is closed

on the weekends...

So the fire moves to New York City,

and the people in New York

tell the fire to go f*** itself!

"Go f*** yourself!" And it does...!

And it does! So instead it burns

Long Island and Connecticut,

killing all the rich white a**holes

and completely destroying

their evil faggoty golf courses!

And while all this is going on, Canada

burns to the ground, but nobody notices!

And now the entire North American

continent is on fire,

producing a huge thermal object,

and creating an incendiary

cyclonic macrosystem that

forms a hemispheric megastorm...

...breaking down the molecular

structure of the atmosphere

and actually changing the laws of nature!

Fire and water combine!

Burning clouds of flaming

rain fall upward!

Gamma rays and solar winds

ignite ionosphere

creating a huge cloud

of ionized plasma!

Bolts of lightning twenty million miles long

begin shooting out of the North Pole, and...

...the sky fills up with green sh*t!

And then, suddenly,

the entire fabric

of space-time splits in two...!

A huge crack in the

universe open!

And all the dead people from the

past begin falling through...!

...Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx,

Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim,

Porky Pig, Hitler,

Janis Joplin, Alan Ladd...

My uncle Dave!

Your uncle Dave!

Everybody's uncle Dave! An endless stream

of dead uncle Daves falling thru the crack!

And all the dead uncle Daves gather

around the heavenly kitchen table...!

They light up cigarettes and

then they begin to talk!

They talk about how they

never got a break...!

How their parents didn't love them

and their children were ungrateful!

They talk about how the government

screwed them out of money,

and they just missed

out on a big job...!

They say the Jews own everything,

and the blacks get special treatment...!

And all the hatred and bitterness,

drips out of these people,

and forms a big pool

of liquid hate...

...and the pool of liquid

hate begins to spin!

Round and round it spins,

faster and faster!

And the faster it spins,

the bigger it gets...!

...faster and faster,

bigger and bigger,

until the whirling pool of hate is

bigger than the entire universe,

and then suddenly it explodes

into trillions of tiny stars...

And every star has a trillion planets,

and every planet has

a trillion uncle Daves...

And all the uncle Daves have good jobs,

perfect eyesight and shoes that fit...

They have great sex lives

and free health care,

They understand the internet,

their kids think they're cool,

and they all love

their neighbours...

And every week, without fail,

uncle Dave wins the lottery...

...forever and ever,

till the end of time,

every single uncle Dave

has a winning ticket,

and uncle Dave is finally happy!

Now do you see why I like it when

nature gets even with humans...?

Thanks for coming

in here tonight!

Thank you! See you later!

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