George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #9

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f***ing thing! This is great!

Thank you very much, sir!

I appreciate this! Thank you, thank you!

Thank you! God bless you!

You're doing God's work!

I hope you know that! Don't you?

Hey, this is better than

Publisher's Clearing House!

Listen here, buddy...

You ain't got a red-head of one

of this, by any chance, don't you?

No, I didn't think so! I never had one

of them myself, thank you very much...!

Listen here, this is the

real thing, ain't it?

This ain't one of them storebook pussies

you see at the old bookstore?

Huh? What's that? Oh, OK!

Hold on! Just a second!

Whoa...!

Jesus Christ on a cracker!

That's the real f***ing thing!

I'd recognize that son of a b*tch anywhere!

That straightened out my nose hairs!

I'd better get this sucker home and get

into the refrigerator quick as I can!

The "Save-A-P*ssy Foundation!"

Give the gift that keeps on giving!

F*** the whales!

Save the p*ssy!

But you wouldn't

wanna save all of them!

Not all of them!

Some of them are worn out!

Oh, you wouldn't want one of them

big old rubbery things! That ain't no good!

What you want is something nice

and tight, but flexible!

Maybe they have an age limit!

Or a mileage check!

You know, you figure out the

average length of the average dick,

the average number of thusts

per event, the average number

of events per lifetime...

You've got that lady's mileage!

And you women, I don't want you to think

I wanna leave you out of the fun!

We're gonna get you a nice

set of cock and balls, OK?

We'll get you something nice just

after rigor mortis sets in!

Tell the truth, ladies! Wouldn't

you like a nice set of cock

and balls without all the

bullshit that comes with them?

Huh? F***ing-A!

We'll get you something nice

to keep it on the nightstand!

It's really easy to

find in the dark!

And if your mother comes over...

Put a hat on it!

Well, somebody's got to think of these things!

Apparently, I've been appointed!

I was dancing with a woman!

She told me she had a yeast infection!

I said:
"Bag me a f***ing loaf of bread!"

A couple of corn muffins,

a jelly doughnut, I don't give a sh*t!

I'm always in the market

for quality baked goods!

You couldn't squeeze a birthday cake out

of that thing by any chance, could you, huh?

No, no, I didn't think so...

No pressure, honey! No pressure at all!

Why don't you just turn around and give me

a nice pineapple upside-down cake?

And a dozen oatmeal cookies!

Skip the raisins!

X-nay on the aisins-ray...!

Well, I think it is certainly

apparent by now...

...that one of the things I enjoy in life

is excess...

I like things that are excessive!

I like excessive behaviour,

excessive language, excessive violence...

It's fun! It's interesting! It's exciting!

I like it when nature is excessive...

That's why I like natural disasters!

All these natural disasters

that have been going on....

I f***ing love them!

I can't get enough of them!

Oh, when nature is going crazy,

throwing things around, scaring people

and destroying property..

...I'm a happy f***ing guy!

I'm a happy f***ing guy!

I look at it this way!

For centuries now...

...man has done everything he can

to destroy, defile and

interfere with nature!

Clear-cutting forests,

strip-mining mountains,

poisoning the atmosphere...

...over-fishing the oceans, polluting

the rivers and lakes, destroying

wetlands and aquiferes...

...so when nature strikes back,

and smashes man in the head

and kicks him in the nuts...

I enjoy that! I have absolutely no sympathy

for human beings whatsoever...!

None!

And no matter what kind of

problem homans are facing,

whether it's natural or man-made...

I always hope it gets worse!

Don't you? Don't you?

Don't you have a part of you that secretly

hopes everything gets worse?

When you see a big fire on TV...

Don't you hope it spreads?

Don't you hope it gets completely

out of control and burns down six counties?

You don't root for the firemen, do you?

I mean, I don't want them to get hurt

or nothing, but...

I don't want them putting out my fire!

That's my fire!

That's nature! Showing off and having fun!

You know something else I like?

Those spring floods in the Midwest!

Aren't they great? Like clockwork!

Spring floods in the Midwest!

But I'm starting to notice,

I'm starting to catch on

that every year it's

the same story!

Another flood, in the same place,

with the same people on the

same river... Same f***ing people!

And these people will not move!

They will not f***ing move!

They repaint, put down new

carpeting and wallpaper

and they move right back

into the same f***ing

house, on the floodplain,

next to the river...

...and then they wonder why

grandma's floating downstream

with a parakeet on her head!

Fourth time, again!

Fourth f***ing tine!

There's no learning curve

with these people!

It's very hard to

feel sorry for them!

Every year! Same people!

Same rowboats!

Out there, paddling around...

Rescuing a chicken!

What the f*** kind of a life is that?

"Well, our kids love it here!"

Oh, really? What have they got?

Gills?

And while they're showing all

that sh*t on the screen,

the announcer is saying to me...

"It's been raining steadily

for three months now,

the ground can't hold

any more water,

the river is cresty higher than

it has in two centuries,

the levees are washed away..."

...and I just hope it keeps raining!

And raining, and raining, and raining...!

...and raining, and raining,

and raining, and raining...

...and raining, and raining, and raining,

and raining, and raining!

and it rains steadily for five years!

And then, after that,

for ten years it's cloudy!

With occasional showers!

And the river never returns

to its natural banks!

And becomes a completely new river!

And the borders of three

states have to be changed!

And all the maps and atlases

have to be redrawn and reprinted!

And no-one's couch

ever completely dries out!

For years and years, every time they

sit down, there's always a little "squish!"

"Dan, Linda! Come on in you guys!

Have a seat!" (Squish, squish)

I like that! I'm an interesting guy!

I always hope that no matter how

small the original problem is,

it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions,

until it gets completely out of control,

and I'll give you a

concrete example...

Let's say a water main breaks

in downtown Los Angeles,

and it floods an electrical substation,

knocking out all the traffic lights

and tying up the entire city,

and emergency vehicles can't get through!

and at the same time, one of those month-long

global warming heatwaves comes along,

but there's no air conditioning,

there's no water for sanitation...

So cholera, smallpox and

dysentery break out,

and thousands of people

start dying in the streets!

But before they die,

parasites eat their brains!

...and they go completely f***ing crazy,

and they storm the hospital,

but the hospital can't

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