George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #8

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events on American Television?

"Drink this, drive that, f*** you!"

They don't care!

They don't give a sh*t about you!

And then every now and then

they qualify the whole message!

"Drink responsably!"

So you put this thing on Fox,

and if you do, if you do

or in any Broadcast Network...

You're gonna have to bring

in that younger audience!

Everybody knows that!

That's what the advertisers are

looking for, it's 18 to 24 year olds

You're gonna have to get young

people interested in this!

You know how you get young

people interested in suicide?

You don't call it suicide!

You call it "Extreme Living!"

They would go for it!

Listen, young people are attracted

to suicide in the first place!

Did you know suicide is the third leading

cause of death between 15 and 24?

It's the third! Ninth in

the general population!

That'll give you an

idea of how popular

this after-school activity

has become...!

...among our teenage folks!

Especially these young boys...

...these adolescent males,

and a lot of them, you know?

A lot of them...

They kill themselves when

they're jerking off...!

They don't mean to!

It just happens!

You know about that? Yeah!

Some of you know! I can tell!

A lot of people don't know that! A lot of

people never heard of that, you know?

It's just one of those things

Americans can't handle!

"We can't handle that!

We don't talk about that!"

It's not on "Larry King" "Laverne Dane"

and "Barbara Walters!"

You ain't gonna see it in People magazine,

but it's out there, folks...

It's out there! And it's

extremely common!

You just ask any teenage boy

you know, who trusts you!

Ask him what he knows or

what he's heard about...

...cutting off your air supply

just at the moment you're

about to have a sexual release...

He is gonna tell you an

interesting story or two!

The kids call it "scarfing", 'cause

some of them use scarfs to do it!

Or screw the kids! Just get on

the internet! Do it yourselves!

Google in the words "auto erotic asphyxia!"

"Auto erotic asphyxia", is the practice...

...of cutting off the oxygen to

the brain at the last moment

during masturbation in order

to heighten the orgasm...

and when I say "common"... A thousand

kids a year die this way! OK?

A thousand of them die! So think

how many of them are...

...trying to pull this off! If you pardon

the little pun I'm throwin' in

...just to lighten the mood!

But here's the way it works! Apparently!

I've never tried! It sounded risky to me!

Well, jerking off is all I need!

You know what I mean, folks!

I ain't trying to double

my money! F*** that sh*t!

I just jerk off, wipe off my chest,

get up and go to work, you know? That's it!

Nothing fancy! At our house

we're simple folk!

But here's the way it's

supposed to work!

And this is why it's such a big

attraction in the first place!

Apparently it is true!

Medically, phisiologically speaking...

...that if you can cut off your air supply,

the oxygen to your brain...

...just at the moment you're about to have

an orgasm, the orgasm is about...

...I don't know! Let's

say 500 times better!

Something like that!

It's incredibly intense!

So, what you gotta do,

is stand up on a chair,

or bucket, or some kind of thing...

...you put a rope around your neck,

and you start jerking off...!

And while you're pulling your pod,

while you're pulling your pod,

you have to arrange...

...to almost strangle yourself

just before you have an orgasm...

And by the way, while all this activity

is going on, you gotta maintain a hard-on!

...which ain't easy, 'cause you might

just be getting ready to buy the farm...

...so you'd better be fantasizing

about someone you really like...!

...or some thing you really like,

I don't know what that my be!

Maybe getting f***ed in the ass

by a Game Warden, who knows?

Hey, I'm not here to judge!

We are all different! To each his own!

So let's recap...!

Standing on a chair, rope around your neck,

peter in your hand...!

Now you have to time it just right!

So that before you come,

you almost die!

And sometimes you miscalculate...!

You don't know if you're coming or going!

No way to know!

No way to know!

And the parents of these kids are

to embarrassed to tell the police!

So the put the kid's dick away and

they say:
"He had poor grades!"

"His girlfriend left him!"

"Oh, well, no wonder, lady!

Look at his f***ing hobbies!"

Then they blame it on

Heavy Metal, you know!

I don't know if you remember that,

but from that old incident, there...

...some years back - Judas Priest,

or one of them headbanging bands,

somebody played a song and after that

they killed themselves, and so they blamed...

...suicide, and Heavy Metal...

If it's murder, they tend to

blame Rap these days, but...

...it's never the parents!

Did you ever notice this?

Parents apparently play no part...

...in the development and outcome

of these kids! Parents...

You know, they can raise a kid apparently,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years,

but if he turns out f***ed up!

Boy, they have nothing to do with that!

"Must be those kids at the parking lot he

hangs around with!"

Parents gotta be among the most

full of sh*t people in the world!

Well, they always have been!

Top to bottom! Front to back!

Listen, in fairness,

it comes with the job!

If you wanna be a parent, you gotta be

full of sh*t, at least half the time!

Look at it this way!

They have it both ways!

If the kid turns out to be a loser,

they have nothing to do with that...!

But boy, if he's a winner,

got a scholarship or something like that?

Man, they're are the first ones out there

raising their hands, trying to get a little credit...!

It's a nice state of mind if you can

talk yourselves into believing it...!

But these are the kind of things I think

about when I'm sitting home alone,

during an electrical storm, waiting for

the parole officer to give me a call...

...and these ideas come

floating into my head!

Just floating right in! Unbidden!

I'm not asking for these things!

I'm a vessel!

I'm a mere vessel!

In come these thoughts!

And some of them

are a little offbeat!

I'm gonna grant you that!

I was thinking about these younger

women who got buried today!

You ever think about them?

Probably not!

But I was thinking about these younger

women who died three or four days ago,

got buried today...

And some of them had a bad heart, you know?

Some of them had a bad kidney...

...but a lot of them had

perfectly good pussies!

Good pussies, nice tits,

reasonably tight a**holes...!

Going to waste!

In the ground!

It just seems a shame to me!

That some fine young p*ssy...!

...should be rotting away six feet under!

Because you'd think, in this era...

...that if you can donate a heart...

...to someone who needs one...

...there oughta be a way to recycle

some of these pussies...

And get them to people

who need them!

Some old guy living up in

the mountains! "Whoa...!"

"Holy sh*t! Look at this

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