George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #7

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What we have to do is build a large pool

of hopeless people!

Suicide volunteers! People with no hope!

People whom society has given up on,

faith has given up on, or who

have given up on themselves!

Rock-bottom, dead-end, totally

f***ed-up people with no hope

and no reason to live! And we

got our share of them, folks!

Think of it as a pyramid, that

will give you a visual fix-on!

Think of it as a pyramid! The

pyramid of the hopeless!

We're gonna start building this pyramid

at the very base, naturally,

and the bottom layer is

gonna be... homeless people!

God knows we've got plenty of them! Nobody

gives a f*** about them, nobody's got a plan,

nobody's got any money, nobody's

got a programme, nobody gives a f***!

...about homeless people! We don't

know how many we have, even!

We know 500,000 of them are veterans, 'cause

we're so good to the veterans in this country...

...and we know about 1,400,000 of them

are children!

...so we got a million and a half children,

then God knows how many more we've got!

Totally f***ing hopeless!

In the pyramid they go!

And the next group we're gonna put in

here, these are the people in prison!

With these long sentences

they've been given...

Many of them deserved,

I'll grant you that!

I'm sure half the people in prison are

in there for things they really did...

That's not a bad average,

one out of two!

But nobody gives a sh*t about these people,

nobody's gonna hire them if they do get out!

They're never gonna get out, rehabilitation doesn't work...

And the judges give them these f***ing

draconian sentences, 40, 50, 60,

70, 80, 100 years sentences,

life-term, double life!

One guy, about a month

ago, was given three

consecutive life-terms,

plus two death penalties!

How the f*** do you serve that?

Even David Copperfield

can't do that sh*t!

In order to do that,

you have to be a hindu!

And then you've got the people on

death row! They ain't going anywhere!

In the f***ing

pyramid they go!

Now the next layer,

this group is self-selected!

Self-selected! And a bit controversial

to some of you, I guess!

These are these people who

claim to be depressed! OK?

Apparently, in this land of plenty...

..this richest nation in the history of

the world, we're so proud of saying that!

Some supermarkets have

100,000 items in them...

...we have 19,000,000 Americans

claiming to be depressed,

and some of them

taking medicine for it!

Sometimes the medicine makes

them want to commit suicide,

and that depresses the sh*t

out of the rest of them!

Then you have these people who

only think they are depressed,

'cause they saw the commercial on TV

and the doctor looked like a good guy...

The music sounded kind of peppy,

and what the f***!

Some of these pills are probably

just pick me right up...!

Totally f***ing hopeless minds...

In the f***ing pyramid!

Up at the very top we are gonna put

the people who are truly sick!

The terminally ill, unfortunately.

No hope for a lot of them!

Hundreds of thosands of them,

there's no cure for what they have...

There's no cure 'cause

nobody's looking for one!

There aren't enough people sick, so there

ain't no money in the f***ing cure...

Then there's people who've got... There's a cure,

but they don't have the money for it,

or there's a cure but they're too far gone,

or there's no social means to get to it...

...so these people ain't going anywhere,

they should be allowed to commit suicide...

In the f***ing pyramid they go!

Now, think of what you got here, folks!

Think of yourselves as the

executive vice-president

of programming at the

All-Suicide Channel!

Think of what you have to work with

in the pyramid of the hopeless!

You've have homeless,

imprisoned, condemned...

...depressed and terminally ill people!

And I'm gonna bet you anything!

In this depraved culture of ours,

bet you anything...

...with the reality-show mentality we have,

on the All-Suicide Channel

you could get five hundred...

...of these hopeless people, to hold hands

and jump into the Grand Canyon!

I'll f***ing bet you! You can get that

done in this country right this now!

I'll bet you! For money! You gotta give

them something, you know, you've gotta...

Oh, sh*t! They're Americans!

They're for sale! Give them a little something!

Americans will do anything, but you gotta

give them a toaster, don't you?

Give them a little prize of some kind!

Everybody wants a gizmo! Give'em a gizmo!

Give them a cellphone,

give them a laptop!

Give them a cellphone which

takes the picture of a laptop!

Give them a laptop which takes

the picture of a cellphone!

Give one of them three-wheeled vehicles,

give them an all-terrain vehicle!

Give them one of them ride-on lawnmowers,

give them a snowblower,

give them an outdoor barbecue,

or a jetski...

Give them one of them things that they

buy for themselves when they're trying

to take their minds off of how badly

they're getting f***ed by the system...!

I know what you do!

Just before these people jump,

you give them a hat

with a camera in it!

And you tell them

it's Jump-Cam!

Tell them you send the

video home to the family!

T-Shirt! Who don't want a T-Shirt!?

Everybody does! Give them a nice T-Shirt!

"I commited suicide and all I got

was a stupid f***ing T-Shirt!"

Alright? Now!

If you wanna really raise the

profile of this promotion,

get some of those Evangelical Christians

to volunteer for it...

And you call it "Jump for Jesus!"

"Jump for Jesus!" They would buy it!

They would go for it!

Hey, you gotta be fair

about these Christians!

They've come in for a lot

of abuse these days...

You do have to be fair! All a Christian

really wants out of life is to die!

And go see Jesus!

Give them a helping hand!

Do the Christian thing!

Tell them it's a shortcut to heaven!

Mention the word "martyr!"

Works on the Muslims, works on

the Catholics, might work on

these folks, you never know!

Hey! I know...

Give them a little encouragement!

Go on, you fanatical fucks!

He's down there! He's down there!

He's down there! He's at the

bottom of the Canyon!

Look for the man with

the glowing head!

Oh, you're gonna have a lot of

fun with a channel like that!

But you know something, folks? Maybe you don't

wanna be on cable! It is a limited audience...

You might wanna widen out,

get more people looking in!

You're gonna have to go to one

of the Big Broadcast Networks...

And I don't know about you, but when I think

about suicide and Broadcast Network television,

I'm thinking Fox, Huh?

I'm telling you, Fox!

If the people at Fox aren't sitting around

and having meetings about an idea like this,

they ain't doing their goddam

jobs over there...!

You put this thing on Fox,

get Budweisser to sponsor it!

Budweisser and a whole

bunch of car companies,

so people we think about drinking

and driving at the same time...

Ain't that fun to watch the sporting

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