George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing Page #5

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at home watching that sh*t on TV!

Getting ready to go out and vote!

Filling out the sample ballot!

People are f***ing dumb!

You can say what you want about this

country! And I love this place!

I love the freedoms

we used to have...

I love it! I love that!

You know?

I loved it when it didn't take

a f***ing catastrophe

to get us to care

for one another...

I love the fact that we're on camera

all the time from all angles...

But you know? You can say what you want

about America! I say, I love this place...

I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't live in any

other time in history, or any other place, but...

...Say what you want about America!

Land of the free, home of the brave...

We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers

floatin' around in this country!

Dumb-ass motherfuckers!

You know? Yeah!

Now, obviously, that doesn't include this

audience! I understand that!

You seem intelligent and perceptive,

but the rest of them...

Holy jump and f***ing shitballs!

Dumber than a second coat of paint!

And this ain't just rant and raving!

This ain't just blowin' off steam!

I've got a little evidence

to support my claim!

It just seems to me, seems to me...

...that only a really

low IQ population could

have taken this

beautiful continent...

...this magnificent American landscape,

that we inherited...

Well, actually, we stole it from

the Mexicans and Indians, but...

Hey, it was nice when we stole it!

Looked pretty good, it was pristine...!

Paradise! Have you seen it lately?

Have you taken a good look at it lately?

It's f***ing embarrassing!

Only a nation of unenlightened

half-wits...

...could have taken this beautiful place,

and turned it into what it is today...

A shopping mall! A big f***ing

shopping mall!

You know that?

That's all you've got here, folks!

Mile after mile of mall after mall!

Many, many malls!

Major malls and mini-malls!

They put the mini-malls in

between the major malls!

And in between the mini-malls

they put the mini-marts!

And in between the mini-marts

you've got the car lots,

gas stations, muffle shops,

laundromats, cheap hotels...

...fast food joints, strip clubs

and dirty bookstores...!

America, the beautiful! One big

transcontinental commercial cesspool!

And how do the people

feel about all this?

How do the people feel about living

in a coast to coast shopping mall?

Well, they think it's

JUST F***ING DANDY!

They think it is cool as can be!

'Cause Americans love the mall!

They love the mall!

That's where they get to

satisfy their two most

prominent addictions!

At the same time!

Shopping and eating!

Millions of semi-conscious americans,

day after day, shuffling through the malls!

Shopping, and eating! Especially eating!

Americans love to eat!

They are fatally attracted to

the slow death of fast food!

Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple

bacon cheeseburgers,

deep-fried butter dip and

pork fat, cheese whiz...

mayonnaise, soup, barbecue,

mozzarella, paddy malts...

Americans will eat anything!

Anything! Anything!

If you were selling sautd racoon

a**holes on a stick...!

Americans would buy them and eat them!

...especially if you dip them in butter

and put a little sauce on them!

This country is big time, pig time!

Forget the bald eagle! You know what the

national emblem of this country ought to be?

A big bowl of macaroni and cheese!

A big bowl! 'Cause everything in this

country is king-size!

King-size, extra-large and super-jumbo!

Especially the f***ing people!

Have you seen some of the

people in this country?

Have you taken a good look at some of these

big, fat motherfuckers walking around?

Big, fat motherfuckers?

Oh, my god! Huge piles of

redundant protoplasm!

Lumbering through the malls, like a fleet

of interstate buzzards!

The people in this

country are immense!

Massive bellies! Monstruous

thighs and big fat f***ing asses!

And if you stand there for a minute,

you look at one of them

and you begin to wonder...

"How does this woman take a sh*t?"

"How does she sh*t?"

And even more frightening,

"How does she wipe her ass?"

"Can she even locate her a**hole?"

She must require assistance!

"Are paramedics trained in this field?"

And standing right next

to her, of course,

with a plate full of nachos

and a mouthful of pie...

...her clueless f***ing husband

Joe Sixpack!

...with his monstruous swollen beer belly

hangly dangerously over his belt...

Beer, belt, buckle!

This guy ain't seen

his dick since the

Nixon administration!

And if you stand there, and you

look at the two of them,

you begin to wonder to yourself...

"Do these people f***?"

"Is this man actually capable

of f***ing this woman?"

It doesn't seem structurally possible...!

...that these two people can

achieve penetration!

Maybe they're into that

soul-to-soul lay or something!

I'm telling you, the people

in this country...

...are every half... everyone of them is

50 pounds overweight! They're gargantuan!

And in the summertime!

God help us!

In the summertime they all wanna

wear short pants!

Jesus Lord, protector of all that is

good and Holy!

Deliver me from fat people

in short pants!

They all got short pants, big bellies,

fat thighs and dumb kids!

Everyone of them has got

two dumb-ass kids with them!

And the whole family

is wearing T-shirts!

And everyone of them's got the

same T-shirt! "I'm with stupid!"

Apparently, in this country, the Stupids

are an extended family!

And besides of wearing them T-shirts,

everyone in the family has got on a backpack!

They've got a backpack,

strapped to their back,

so they can carry around

lots of stupid sh*t!

And the reason they've got to carry

this stupid sh*t strapped to their

backs is because their hands must

remain free at all times to hold food!

...and to get that food up to the mouth

where they can shovel in...!

...with all the rest of the disgusting

sh*t they ate that day!

And...

Another reason for the backpacks

is these people are gonna

buy even more stupid sh*t!

They ain't got enough

stupid sh*t at home!

They just had a stupid sh*t sale,

they're gonna buy more!

They are gonna go out the

parking lot and stuff this

stuff into the big, fat,

ugly, oversized S.U.V....!

They've got plenty of room

in it for the stupid sh*t

and lots of room left

over for these big,

fat, ugly motherfuckers

to get them home!

Stopping, of course, for jelly roll

and fried dough!

These people are efficient, professional

compulsive consumers!

It's their civic duty! Consumption!

It's the new national pastime!

F*** baseball! It's consumption!

The only true lasting American

value that's left...!

Buying things! Buying things!

People spend the money they don't

have on things they don't need!

Money they don't have on

things they don't need!

So they can max up their credit

cards and spend the rest of

their lives paying 18% interest

on something that cost $12.50!

And they didn't like it when they

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