Get Real Page #3

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A--Which speech

are you learning--

Romeo, Romeo, cover me in honey--

- and suck it off with a straw.

- What--

- God, he's perfect.

- Fancy him, do ya--

- He can pass me his baton any day.

- [Girls Chuckling]

- Hi.

- You girls using--

your study periods productively--

Yes, sir. I was just

helping Wendy do some research.

Um, Steve's gonna take

the photos for us.

It's all right if he joins

the magazine team, isn't it--

Uh, yeah, all right, thanks.

-John, we need to do that shoot now.

- Yeah, fine.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- [Teacher] Is that your team vest--

- Yeah.

- Maybe you should wear that.

- Yeah, if you want.

Well, you're the expert,

Steven, so I'll leave it to you.

Hey, you know that guy who was arrested

last month for flashing young lads--

- Yeah.

- He's only a bloody priest.

- Was he arrested in the organ loft--

- In the park.

The police say the woods

are full of pervs.

Jess!

- Right on cue.

- We need to talk.

Shouldn't you be somewhere else,

Kevin, like remedial reading--

- [Students Chuckling]

- P.M.T., is it, Jessica--

Yeah.

Post-moron tension.

Best thing you ever did

dumping that wanker.

Hey, Steve, do you want to go

to the woods later with a camera,

get some News of the World-- stuff for the mag--

No, seriously, we could

write something about this.

We want the magazine to be

more radical this year, right--

Well, what could be more radical

than a gay story--

It's not a gay story.

- It's a pervert story.

- What's the difference--

Well, you're not gay

and you're a pervert.

Something funny, Carter--

- [Jessica] Leave him alone, Kevin!

- Queer f***!

- Still laughing, are we--

- I'm not queer.

Kevin!

Stop pratting around,

Grainger.

Leave the girlies

alone.

You okay--

Uh, yeah, I'm fine.

So, um, when did

you and Kevin split up--

Oh, um,

a few days ago.

I-I'd rather not,

you know--

- I knew she liked him.

- [Chuckles]

Yeah.

He's liked her forever.

- Think she'll go out with him--

- Maybe.

If she finally gives up on the idea

of stealing John Dixon--

away from Christina

Supermodel--Lindmann.

- You ever seen her--

- No.

- Not even the underwear pictures--

- No, I--

She's not a real model. She models

underwear for mail-order catalogs.

Oh.

Still, she is

rather gorgeous.

I told Wendy you'd have to be pretty

special to take John away from her.

- [Door Closing]

- Is that you, Steven--

Yeah.

I brought your photos back.

They're on your desk.

Oh, thanks.

I think she likes me, but she seems,

like, quite distant sometimes.

It's killing me.

We're talking permanent erection here.

- There's a medical term for that.

- Uh, yeah--sad bastard.

Funny. Did you

see her this morning--

I'm sure she's not wearing a bra.

You can see the outline--

God, just ask her to go

to the bloody ball with you.

- Well, it's difficult.

- It could be more f***ing difficult.

Do you want to go to the cinema on

Sunday-- If you don't pull at the ball.

- [Sighs] Maybe.

- Go on, it'll cheer you up.

- I don't need cheering up.

- Oh, yeah, right.

All right.

Cinema, Sunday.

How's, uh--

- How's tricks--

- Fine.

We must

stop meeting like this.

- Hi, Mr. Carter.

- Hello, Linda.

- You look nice today.

- So do you.

- Mrs. C.

- See you Monday, Linda love.

Have a nice time, eh--

Steve!

-- Now pretty ladies

around the world --

-- Got a weird thing to show you

so tell all the boys and girls --

-- Tell your brother, your sister

and your mama too--

-- Cause we're about throw down

and you know just what to do --

-- Wave your hands in the air

like you don't care --

So, that's the incredible

Christina Lindmann--

Where--

The girl you've been staring at

for the last 20 minutes.

Have not.

You ever thought of doing it

with an older woman--

Not exactly.

-- When you hear the call you've

got to get it underway --

-- Word up

It's the code word --

-- No matter where you say it

You know that you'll be heard --

-- Now all you sucker DJ's --

Stop staring at him.

It's embarrassing.

- He stares back.

- In your dreams.

-- You try to put on those airs

and act real cool --

-- But you've got to realize

that you're acting like fools --

-- Give us music, we can use it

We need to dance --

-- We don't have the time

for psychological romance --

- Get off of me!

- -- No romance, no romance --

-- No romance for me, mama --

-- Come on, baby

tell me what's the word --

-- Word up --

----[Continues Faintly]

- [Sniffles]

- You, um--

- You okay--

- Yeah.

Just needed some air.

[Sniffles]

Kevin Grainger's

a right twat, isn't he--

----[Dance]

You all right,

my man--

- See anyone you fancy--

- Mmm.

- Yeah, Jessica.

- Ah, forget her. Pasture's new, boy.

Pastures is right.

Cows, the lot of them.

Well, you don't look at the mantle piece

when you're poking the fire, do ya--

What happens if you're

poking the mantle piece--

So, it was fine

for six months.

He was nice,

almost, you know,

romantic.

Kevin Grainger, romantic--

Give me a break.

Well, then we--you know,

[Sniffles]

did it.

First time for me.

- And--

- [Sniffles]

Oh, God, I'm not sure I should be

telling all this to a bloke.

Okay. On the day

after we--you know,

Wendy heard him tell the lads about-- well, everything.

Details,

graphic details.

Even what I'd been saying

when we were--

I felt humiliated.

He said he's sorry.

He said he wants me back, but--

No, you deserve

better than that.

Thanks.

Look, I'm fine now.

Let's go back in.

[Sniffles, Sighs]

Anyway, I think I'm

off blokes for life.

- What about you--

- Me--

Yeah, you're a real secretive one.

Got a girl in your life--

No, not really.

But you'd

like there to be.

- Something like that.

- Who-- Someone here tonight--

- Yeah.

- Anyone I know--

-- If you really

want it good, girl --

-- Get yourself a bad boy --

-- Get it like it could be, would be

Yeah, like it should be --

-- If you want it

to be good, girl --

-- Get yourself a bad boy --

There you are.

She looks available.

God, you'd have to

be desperate.

-- Oh, yeah --

Hi. I'm Kevin.

- And you are--

- Thirsty.

- Fancy a real drink, Kirsty--

- No, thanks.

Something else, then--

Diet Coke--

You know, I really like-- cuddly girls.

So, uh, could I

see you home tonight--

He's seeing me home.

- That wanker--

- No, not you, Steven.

Oy, Carter! Not exactly

an oil painting, is she--

No, she's cuddly,

and until a few seconds ago, you assumed

that because I'm a fat girl--

instead of some slim oil painting,

I'd be gagging--

for a quick one

in the doorway of Toys-R-Us.

- Linda.

- I can just imagine sex with you:

the pathetic fumbling

to find the bra strap,

the slobbery kisses, belching

into some poor girl's mouth--

because you've had too much

chilli sauce on your kebab--

and then the main event,

which is either over in seconds--

or not at all because

you're too f***ing pissed.

Shall I take that

as a definite no--

- Take it up your bum.

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