Get Real Page #4

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- Thought that was his department.

Just because he's got a prick,

he thinks he's God's gift to womankind.

Sod this. If you're going to put me

through this bloody torture,

we might as well at least

have a dance.

-- She wasn't easy --

-- Changing rocking rolling

minds --

-- And things were

getting shaky --

-- I thought I had to

leave it behind --

-- But now it's

so much better --

-- Hey, I'm funky now

in every way --

----[Fades]

----[Ballad]

-- You are so beautiful --

-- To me --

-- You are so beautiful --

-- To me --

-- Can't you see --

-- You're everything

I hoped for --

-- You're everything I need --

-- You are so beautiful --

-- To me --

-- You are so beautiful --

Don't you start!

- Sorry, I was thinking of someone else.

- Charming.

-- You are so beautiful --

-- To me --

God, it gets

really boring sometimes.

You haven't got a monopoly

on rejection, you know.

- At least you're not me.

- Cuddly.

Sweetheart, I'm not cuddly. I'm not

a big girl, I'm not well-rounded.

I'm absolutely

f***in--enormous.

The only offers I get are from d*ckheads

like Kevin Sh*t-for-brains--Grainger,

and even then after he's tried

every other girl in the place.

At the end ofthe evening,

dancing with the desperate.

Tsk. Men.

Look, let's have a night ofdebauchery

while your parents are away.

I'll nip home and get a video, you can

break into your mum's Cinzano cellar.

We'll have a threesome-- you, me and Mel Gibson.

- What will the neighbors think--

- We are the neighbors.

Yeah. I'll put

the door on the latch.

I'm changing!

Down in a sec.

[FootstepsApproaching]

I said I'll be down--

Hi.

Please, I--

I need to--

I need to use your loo.

Oh.

It's fiirst

on the right.

Sh*t!

[DoorCIosing]

[Sniffs]

[ToiIet FIushing]

Linda! IreaIIy

don't feeItoogood.

- I think I'll just go to bed.

- But--

- Good night.

- Steven, I really hate you sometimes.

The uh-- The front door was open.

I just

had to, um--

- Are your parents out--

- Thank God.

- Coffee--

- I don't like coffee!

You don't like kissing.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Help me.

- I'm--I'm worried.

- I know.

- Confused.

- I know.

You don't know!

You're not f***ing confused!

I'm getting there.

It'sjust--

I thought I'd--

It was a long time ago.

- What was--

- [Scoffs] Oh, God, I'm pissed.

About--

about a year ago,

geography field trip.

We went to Cornwall

with some other schools.

- You been to Cornwall--

- No.

It's really,

you know, nice.

Like, quite wild.

One night, I went

and got drunk with this guy--

Danny, from one

of the other schools.

He was-- Well I thought he was--

a sound bloke.

[Chuckles] Well, apart from being

an Arsenal supporter.

Sound.

We had one of those

giant bottles of wine.

We got really pissed.

Sitting on some rocks,

by the sea.

We got really silly.

He dared me to--to dive in.

He said he would

if I would.

So we took all our clothes off,

counted to three and I jumped.

Christ, it was cold.

[Sniffles]

He never jumped.

He just stood there,

laughing.

[Scoffs] He said I was a prat

for doing it.

- You were.

- [Chuckles]

When I got out,

I was shivering.

Then he picked

his sweatshirt up,

and as I

sat there, he--

put it over

my shoulders and--

started to--

to dry me,

so, so gently.

And I felt--

I felt--

Take your time.

I felt sexy.

You know, aroused.

Then he kissed me,

started to-- t-to touch me--

all over.

[Chuckles] God.

Suddenly, I freaked, and--

I pushed him off

and grabbed my clothes and ran--

and ran.

Johnny.

We never spoke to each other

for the rest of that week.

And I've never

seen him since.

I told myself--

it was the wine,

the place, the sea--

that it was

his fault.

Then the other day

with you.

And now, whenever

I see you, I--

I just wanna-- [Sobs]

God!

[Sobs]

What's wrong with me--

[Sobs]

Shh.

It's all right.

I'm so scared.

Don't leave me.

[Tires Screeching]

Whoops.

Not to worry.

We'll try it again

next time.

Can't we do

just one more--

Okay.

- [Engine Revs]

- [Brake Releasing]

[Tires Squealing]

It's doing it again.

It's a bit stiff.

- Steven--

-Just making breakfast.

I'm afraid we finished

all the bacon yesterday.

Fine.

- What time are your parents due back--

- Oh, they're back.

- They're down here with me.

- Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Mum says if you make an honest man ofme

she'll help you choose the curtains.

[Sighs] Oh, wanker.

You wanker!

----[Radio]

[Phone Beeping]

Hi, Mum.

[Sighs, Chuckles]

I'll be home for dinner.

I'm still at Kevin's.

What, did he ring--

Oh, well, we had

a bit of a row yesterday,

so I went and stayed

at Dave's last night.

- But I'm back at Kevin's now.

-Are you staying in bed all day, then--

Look, Mum, I've gotta go.

I'm on someone else's--

Kevin's phone.

Sorry--for worrying you.

Yeah. See ya.

- [Phone Clicks Shut]

- Sh*t.

By the way, you hogged

the bloody duvet again last night.

- What's up--

- Could we get out of here--

[Steven] We're only lying

to protect other people.

[John] Yeah, but when Kevin called

you queer the other day, you denied it!

If you really do like beingI mean,

how can you really like yourself--

if you deny what you are--

- All right, let's tell everyone then.

- No, don't you dare!

Look, I'm sorry.

I--

I'm so scared.

I feel like

everyone's watching.

I know.

Listen, if you

tell anyone, it's off.

If anyone even starts

to suspect, it's off.

It's on then, is it--

Of course it's on.

I--

I like you a lot.

- What about Christina--

- No contest.

You're a better kisser.

- Promise--

- Promise.

[Chuckles]

You sure you're not

getting the wrong signals--

Steve, he kissed me.

- Where--

- On the ring road.

- No, I mean-- - On the cheek.

Oh, must be love, then.

What would you

know about love--

Best you ever manage is a quick one

with a complete stranger.

Linda--

You're right.

What would I know--

I didn't know

it could be like that.

It was like everything

went in slow motion.

You know,

like in a film--

when two people stare

into each other's eyes,

- and they both just know that-- - Bollocks!

Bollocks! Bollocks!

Bollocks! Bollocks!

[Footsteps Departing]

I thought it was just

going to be me and you.

I didn't know I was gonna get offwith

Wends. I didn't think you'd mind.

So, is Wendy gonna bring Jessica

on all your dates, then--

I didn't know

she was coming.

Hey, you don't think they're on

for a threesome, do you--

Oh, God. You should have

your balls surgically removed.

Gonna need them later.

[Whispering]

You sit next to Steven.

[Movie Dialogue, Indistinct]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- So, where to now, then--

- Aren't you off to use your balls--

Actually, I-- I quite fancy a burger.

- Some poor animal's balls, then.

- Uh, listen, I've gotta get back home.

- Me too. Walk me home--

- Sure.

- See you, then.

- See you.

[Indistinct]

So, where

shall we go--

- Fancy a Whopper--

- Sure.

We can always

eat afterwards.

You know, I reckon

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