Go West Page #3

to the Czarina of Russia?

- How did you get it?

- I used to room with Rasputin.

- $1.

- I'll buy it. Lend me $10.

- Sure, Mr. Panello.

- $10.

$9 change, please.

Let's forget about it.

Madam, why is that baby

constantly crying?

He can't stand the jerks in the coach.

Now wait a minute, boys.

It was nothing personal.

She didn't mean anything by it.

$10 for every ditch you hit.

- I'm so sorry.

- I must get myself straightened around.

- That's it, around.

- Let my bustle go!

Attaboy.

- I can fix this bustle myself!

- All right, he's just helping you.

Madam, it's none of my business,

but are you wearing a revolving door?

If you are,

I'd like to go around with you sometime.

Mr. Panello, instead of bargaining with you

for the rights of the land...

I intend to make you a liberal offer,

which I feel you'll instantly accept.

How much you gonna pay us for this land?

$500.

$500! We're gonna be rich!

Now, all I need is both your signatures.

On the bottom.

There you are. Thank you.

I'll give you $1,000.

- How dare you, you meddlesome fool!

- I heard that!

If you weren't so small,

I'd flog the daylights out of you.

- But I'm bigger than you.

- That's another reason.

You'll pay us double for this land

than the Railroad?

Yes, and it's a lucky thing for you

I got here in time.

Mr. Panello,

you don't know who he represents.

At least you know my offer is bona fide.

That's right.

How do we know your offer is bona fide?

- Are your hands clean?

- Sure.

Then here's my card.

"Bona Fide Oil Company.

S.Quentin Quale, Pres. "

Look. His whole company is bona fide.

In all my long business experience,

I've dealt with every important oil firm...

- and I've never heard of your company.

- You haven't?

Evidently you don't read

the bankruptcy notices.

It works out fine.

We get your land, you get $1,000...

and our friend here

gets bounced by the Railroad...

for letting this oily deal

slip through his greasy fingers.

If you don't mind,

would you mind taking your feet down?

It's a good joke.

Wait till the Railroad hears about this.

It's more than your land is worth, really...

but I'll stretch a point. $1,500.

Oh, boy. Stop it.

For $1,500, I write good.

- $2,000.

- $3,000.

- $4,000.

- $5,000.

$6,000.

- He says $6,000. What do you say?

- I wash my hands of this whole deal!

Try this soap.

We're having a special on it today.

It's $1 a cake, or two cakes for 25 cents.

Where's my bag?

Please. The contract.

Now, gentlemen, please...

Give me my hat!

- What's the idea?

- Where is my hat?

- Where's my hat?

- Where is my hat? There it is.

Here's yours.

Gentlemen, I have a whole railroad

on my shoulders...

- and I'd like to get something done!

- I want my hat!

You have my hat, madam. Here's your hat.

Have you a fountain pen?

I've got to get a contract signed.

Do you mind if I take my hat?

I've never been on a trip like this before.

Where is it anyway? Who has my bustle?

- Sit in your own seat.

- Give me my bustle!

- Mr. Beecher, no hard feelings.

- Wait, Panello.

I'll admit you've got me

in hot water, but...

Please.

Why don't you let me get this signed?

- Where's my hat?

- Here.

Nobody can outshoot Two-Gun Quale.

Boys, sweep them out of the gutter.

- Why, there's nobody out there.

- Well, sweep out the gutter.

Say, all the beautiful stems in here

are not on the wine glasses.

Lulubelle, it's you.

I didn't recognize you standing up.

- Vamoose, you goose.

- Nice piece of poetry.

Say, if you wanna stay healthy,

I'd keep shy of Lulubelle.

She's Red Baxter's girl.

Who's Red Baxter?

We'll settle this right now.

- Where's Red Baxter?

- Here.

- Where?

- Here!

You should've been home.

The pot of gold called.

Yes, they want their pot back.

- Why, you...

- Hold on, Red.

This is the gentleman who's selling us

the deed to the Wilson property.

No hard feelings, stranger.

Welcome to Crystal Palace.

Now then, Quale,

have you the deed with you?

I'll have the deed pronto,

whatever that means.

- That's fine. Bring it to Mr. Baxter's office.

- Yes.

Lulubelle, I want you to be good

to this little boy here.

- Come on, son.

- Bye, Daddy.

I'll sell Red the deed.

Then if you get your father's consent...

we'll get married,

if I can get my wife's consent.

Step aside, boys. This is love on the run.

- Yes. Let's have the deed.

- We ain't got it exactly.

I made them agree to $10,000,

and now you stall. Get the deed.

We'll get it if you lend us 10 cents.

10 cents?

I'm promoting this deal, not financing it.

Here.

How they handle all this and ride a horse

at the same time is beyond me.

She's mad about me,

as what woman isn't?

I know, you're going to ask

what is my secret.

You rotter. You scrounge.

The secret is never let her know you care.

Never pursue her. Let her pursue you.

Fan the flame of desire

with the bellows of indifference.

Didn't we meet at Monte Carlo

the night you blew your brains out?

How we laughed!

Foolish, foolish child.

It's madness,

this thing that's happened to us.

It can never be.

We come from different stock.

Suppose I brought you

to my country place...

at Drooling-on-the-Lapel?

What would my people say?

They'd phrase it more delicately.

Go! Let's break clean.

Rusty, now's your chance.

Nobody's looking. Get back the IOUs.

Why don't you let me go?

Let's keep this a perfect memory...

and someday this bitter ache shall pass,

my sweet.

Time wounds all heals.

There's a drunk sitting at the first table

who looks exactly like you.

And one who looks exactly like me.

Dull, isn't it?

He's so full of alcohol...

if you put a lighted wick in his mouth,

he'd burn for three days.

Here's the deed. Let's collect.

You got the bag for the money?

Fine. You wait here and I'll be right back.

It's our deed and our money.

Why should you go alone?

I give you my word as an embezzler

that I'll be back in two minutes.

Rusty, in two minutes,

Dan Wilson is gonna be rich.

Let's have some fun. Come on.

Rusty, I'm so happy

I'd like to play the piano.

You want I should play?

It's about time.

I thought you wasn't gonna ask me.

Mister, can I play the piano?

He said yes. All right.

Yeah, sure. Two minutes is all we got.

We can relax now. No matter what route

the Railroad decides on...

they'll have to come to terms

with Beecher and Baxter.

Baxter and Beecher.

- Yes, of course.

- Yes.

Mr. Quale, everything is signed,

sealed, and delivered.

Yeah, but not yet paid for.

Let's get down to brass tacks,

or rather, greenbacks.

How about the $10,000?

This alligator hasn't eaten in a week.

- What are you talking about?

- The money this volcano owes me...

for making those numskulls

hand over Dead Man's Gulch.

That's right.

Our friend bid me up to $10,000...

when all they wanted was $500.

Competition's the life of trade.

Not around here, it ain't.

How about $9,000? $8,000?

How about $6,000?

How about the combination to the safe?

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