Goats Page #5

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- Give me my bag!

Pervert.

Oh! Oh!

I'm not a pervert, I'm Bennet.

Wendy?

Mom?

Ellis.

You scared the hell out of me, Ellis.

Sorry.

I've had these miserable headaches

since September.

Starts in my heart, goes around my head,

and back down to my heart.

Come here, come give your mom a hug

and tell me how was your trip.

- I slept on my flights.

- Yeah.

Did you miss me?

- Of course I missed you.

- I couldn't tell.

Yeah, that's it.

Toke the fat pappy, girlie.

Hey, Ellis!

Aubrey?

That's my bong.

I thought your plane

didn't get in till tonight.

Lance, leave it!

Lance, quit it!

I can't even get him to follow me.

Maybe he's disappointed in you.

- I know you think I'm a traitor, but...

- She's not even half your age.

She looks older, you have to admit.

You could have at least written me

or something.

Yeah.

I'm bad at that.

Sorry.

And Bennet.

You should have warned me about him.

Yeah.

He's a royal dick.

Hey, I'm going on this big trek

the day after Christmas.

Down into Mexico.

You want to come, partner?

I don't know.

Frieda, come on.

- Ellis!

- Hi, Jonathan.

How's the fancy prep school?

It's fancy. I study a lot.

I got blackmailed

into running cross-country.

- What about the girls?

- What girls?

- It's all boys.

- Exactly!

Did the Goat Man have any luck

sending you any provisions?

He tried sending something

via US Mail, but I stopped it.

Really?

It isn't worth the risk these days.

We have to make this fast!

Because your Spanish is horrible.

It's past 6:
00 already.

I should be home wrapping presents.

I appreciate it.

You haven't shown me

how much you appreciate it.

I appreciate it this much.

What have you been

getting up to lately anyway?

I've been breeding non-eco intrusive goats

for the biosphere.

Plus some rescue goats

that are trained to sniff survivors

out of the rubble in a disaster,

should there be a disaster. Disaster goats.

- Sounds important.

- I'm going to make this easy for you.

Just use the clippers. Just, you know...

- You sure?

- Yeah, make me look like Steve McQueen.

I'm a scientist.

Not a hippie.

- No, olives are a party favor.

- When's the last time

you got olives as a party favor?

That's 10 points

because it's a double word.

Ah! Mexican casserole!

"H." A party favor that begins with "H."

- "Hookah. "

- That's a foreign word.

It doesn't count.

Sorry I'm late.

- I'm cleaning up my act.

- Ooh!

You look amazing.

Let me touch. Touchy-feely.

Hi, baby.

Okay, if everybody's done

fawning over Goat Man,

hookah is a foreign word,

so that's doesn't count.

I'll look it up in the dictionary,

the English dictionary,

- if you really want to challenge.

- Yeah, challenge. Yeah.

Bennet. Bennet, honey,

you're going to lose your turn.

- "Hookah, an Oriental tobacco pipe... "

- Oriental.

"... with a long flexible tube

that draws the smoke through the water

- "in a tin bowl".

- So that's still a foreign word.

No, but it's in

the English dictionary.

- Like "charlatan" is.

- Yeah.

Or "gigolo".

Or "fellatio".

Honey, you lose your turn.

All right, okay.

Honey!

Hey, hey, honey.

"Hissy," noun.

- "A fit of anger. Temper tantrum. "

- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, you know what,

that's the kind of snarky bullshit

that Frank used to pull all the time.

My God, you are turning into him.

You're turning into him.

Wait, are you talking about F***er Frank?

You know, you never finished

telling me that story...

- Aubrey! Aubrey!

- I know.

Well, you want to know more

about F***er Frank, ask Ellis.

He's his new best friend.

And she should know the hell

that that man put me through.

And now he sends you an old sweatshirt

and everything is hunky-dory?

I bought you a $2,000 mountain bike,

and you don't have the

decency to try it out.

- I said thank you, like, 100 times.

- I didn't hear it.

- Feelings check.

- Did you hear it?

Feelings check.

I feel that you might

be reacting negatively.

- Feelings check.

- Right, Wendy? Feelings check.

Feelings check. Shut the hell up!

You know, marrying that man was

the worst decision I have ever made.

Why don't you tell Aubrey about the time

that you and Frank got in a fight

and how you disappeared for six days?

And he had to find you

living in a cheap motel?

- So?

- Or why don't you tell everyone

why Frank never visits Tucson anymore?

How you hid the keys to his rental car

and made him miss his flight.

Okay, I don't need to be attacked

by my own son!

F***ing genetics!

You are the biggest, selfish prick

I have ever met!

Bigger than your f***ing father!

Mister, you are coming with me

to Sedona tomorrow,

and you are going to do that workshop

with Johanna!

Yes, you are! No more f***ing goat treks!

Good job.

Listen, this is a special trek.

We're on a mission of philanthropy.

- What do you mean?

- We're helping a refugee

from Honduras into the United States.

That's illegal, isn't it?

She's a political refugee.

- You're joking, right?

- No.

My cousin Jesus set it up.

Is Jesus real Mexican or fake Mexican,

like you?

Fake Mexican?

What does that mean, fake Mexican?

Yeah, you know how you make

everyone call you Javier

even though your real name's Stephen

and you're Irish-Italian.

I don't make everyone call me Javier.

They just do.

How are we gonna get the goats

across the border?

No one's gonna stop us.

Getting them to Mexico is no problem,

we'll be crossing the desert

on the way back.

After we meet Jesus at the Super Puerco,

we can party all night.

Don't use "party" as a verb.

It sounds vulgar.

Vulgar in the common, pedestrian sense,

not in the obscene sense.

I knew what you meant by "vulgar".

The bar's either to the

left or to the right.

That's helpful.

Try to look presentable.

Like me.

Jesus!

What the f*** do you want?

It's me, Javier.

I cleaned up for the trek.

You look like a cop, man.

Who's the kid?

This is Ellis. He's good with the goats.

Go outside and wait with the goats.

All right.

Can we do this in English?

Those are the ugliest dogs I've ever seen.

Thanks.

Get out of here, please.

Sorry about Jesus.

Isn't Jesus married with some kids?

Those prostitutes were, like, my age.

- Where's the refugee?

- Hmm?

The refugee?

She had to go back to Tegucigalpa.

Family issues.

So this whole thing was a waste of time?

No, this was a good practice run.

You're setting it up in a wash?

That's dumb.

They're rain clouds.

If you're so concerned

about being spotted,

why the hell do you have

a bright orange tent?

- I'm starving.

- Frieda's right there. She's full of milk.

I'm looking for my power bars

and I find your sandwich, cheater.

What about Javier's golden rule

of goat trekking?

- Goat milk only.

- Hey! Put that back!

Jesus.

This wasn't my idea.

Not everyone is as

fortunate as you, Ellis.

Wendy and Bennet might kick me out,

and I don't have any money!

There never was a refugee, was there?

I swear, you don't know what it's like

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