God Bless America Page #5

what it wants" bullshit.

You know, apparently

that erudite genius's heart

wants the same thing

that every run-of-the-mill

pedophile wants...

a young, hairless Asian.

Nobody cares

that they damage other people.

I was just wondering

if you thought I was pretty.

I won't be responsible

for the self-esteem of a teenager.

If you don't like it, you can cram it.

F*** you, Frank.

Frank?

Hey.

Oh.

I thought you left.

I thought about it.

I got you something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I get it.

Bonnie and Clyde, huh?

Well, fine,

you don't have to wear it.

I just don't usually wear hats.

My head looks kind of weird in them.

Although that one

looks pretty good, huh?

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Yours looks good.

Patty Hearst, right?

Thank you for choosing our theater.

As a courtesy to your fellow patrons,

please refrain from talking

and please turn off your cell phones.

And now enjoy our feature presentation.

War is an atrocity.

I mean, it takes young kids...

good kids, for the most part...

turns them into animals...

Hey, b*tch.

No, I'm not doing anything.

I'm in a movie.

...stuff you never thought you'd do.

- Oh, hey, look.

- Shh.

- How cute, right?

- Shh.

Okay, mom.

Oh, oh. Shh, shh.

Hello?

We're in the middle.

We're in the middle!

Sad face!

Is that Matt?

Oh, he's bringing food.

Hey, did this really happen?

Munchies!

Thank you!

Some of the guys

start raping their mothers!

Let's go.

We go out, get a smoke...

Sit down.

No place to hide,

because the villages

were supporting these bastards.

So, um...

Hey, hey.

No, I can't get...

I'm at work.

I can't. You're gonna have

to pick her up today.

I can't get there.

I'm... I'm working.

Yeah. So...

What can I tell you?

I'm swamped.

God.

What are you looking at, old man?

# Shh, shh #

# It's oh so quiet #

Frank, don't.

Take your hat off.

Let me.

Whoa!

# You're all alone #

# Shh, shh #

# And so peaceful until #

Goddamn it!

Give me that!

# You fall in love #

# Zing boom #

# The sky up above #

# Zing boom #

# Is caving in #

# Wow bam! #

# You've never been

so nuts about a guy #

# You wanna laugh,

you wanna cry #

# You cross your heart

and hope to die #

I'm recording this.

# Shh #

# Shh, shh #

# It's oh so quiet #

# Shh, shh #

Thanks for not talking

during the feature.

Thanks for turning off

your cellphone.

You're welcome.

# Shh #

Here.

You can use this thing as a pillow.

Thanks.

- Good night, Frank.

- Good night.

You folks shouldn't be sleeping

out here.

Can I see your license and registration?

Of course, Officer.

My dad keeps everything in here.

I'm, uh...

I'm her uncle.

This is my brother-in-law's car

'cause I'm taking her down

to see some colleges.

Go, big... blue!

You have any ID?

Yes, I do, sir.

All right, I'll be right there.

No more sleeping

on the side of the road.

Do you still need to see my ID?

No, that's fine, honey.

You just stay safe.

Lot of crazy people out there.

Tell me about it.

Thank you, Officer.

What the hell was that about?

Hey, at least I don't steal cars.

What makes you think it's stolen?

All right, I stole it.

But from a jerk.

What is this?

Don't get too attached.

Now you go.

All right,

I'm a little bit bigger than you.

You don't gotta "Dirty Harry" it.

Wrap your other hand around here.

Feel a little stability there, huh?

All right, now do it.

Pretty good.

Just concentrate on that far sight.

You're aiming at the bear, right?

Don't anticipate the recoil.

Just squeeze it and let it go.

That's all bear there.

I think Elvis would be proud.

Pretty good.

Thanks.

Six!

- Yay!

- Yay.

- Good?

- Yeah.

Ooh.

Migraine?

Yeah.

Well, we could stop shooting.

Yeah, thanks.

You did a good job.

Well, I have a good coach.

That, and I was pretending the targets

were the cast of "Glee."

What's wrong with "Glee"?

It stereotypes and homogenizes

homosexuals.

Plus, it ruined "Rocky Horror" forever.

That's true.

You want my money?

I'll pay for all your healthcare!

Tea Party members

continued to taunt

the Parkinson's sufferer

after he was shoved to the ground.

Parkinson's is what God

gives socialists!

Parkinson's is what God

gives socialists!

God, I'm so depressed.

I mean, I can't believe

there's nothing on about us.

That's one of the problems

of your generation.

You can't enjoy anything

unless it was recorded.

You were there.

You lived it.

Isn't that enough of an experience?

I mean, next time you want

to remember something,

instead of taking out your cellphone,

why don't you take a picture of it

with your brain camera?

I mean, when I was your age,

nobody tweeted,

and we managed to have experiences.

You know, the phone was attached

to a wall back at the house.

It didn't have a camera.

What are you, Jeff Foxworthy?

"And a 'cell' phone was the phone

you called your pappy on

to get you outta jail.

A-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot."

Some people are blaming

the movie itself for the murders.

Is this violent documentary too violent?

Do you believe that?

I know!

We made the news!

No, what they're saying.

Nobody can take personal responsibility

for anything anymore.

But that's not what

the lone survivor believes.

- What's the point?

- Everybody was talking...

...goofing around, making noise.

I believe they did this

because we were all being so rude.

How about that?

Unbelievable.

The truth, and on this channel.

The suspects are

a Caucasian male

in his mid- to late-50s...

- Late 50s?

...and a young woman...

...in her early to mid 20s,

also Caucasian.

They are considered armed

and very dangerous.

- See? They think I'm mature for my age.

- Mm-hmm.

We're famous!

Hey, high five.

Come on,

don't leave me hanging, Rock-o.

No, I don't high five.

Mental high five?

Yeah, mental high five.

Steven Clark.

He wasn't the winner

on "American Superstarz,"

but I think he's a winner.

He's back with a new hit single.

We want to hear what you think.

Give us a tweet.

# Do you know where you're going to? #

# Do you like the things that... #

There they go, making fun of the guy

who rides the short bus.

Yay, America.

# Do you know? #

- Ready?

- Your turn.

Okay.

Just think about blowing your head off.

Come on.

Okay. Ready?

Completely random.

Could happen at any time.

- Ready? Am I going?

- Yeah. You're going.

- That's good.

- Okay.

- You know what I hate?

- What?

I hate guys that say "actually"

all the time.

Like, "You actually got a gun

to your head."

- That's a good one.

- You're actually... Oh.

You're actually still alive.

You know what else I hate?

People who misuse the term "literally."

Okay, ready?

Literal people, I guess.

- Ooh.

- Okay.

- We're getting close.

- Uh-huh.

I hate guys that buy $100,000 cars

and then drive them around

Pow! Ooh.

I hate guys who wear lady pants.

Lady pants?

- Ugh.

- Whoa.

Okay.

I'm no mathematician,

but my odds are not good.

Well, Pythagoras, it may be time to die.

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