Goddess Page #2

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Um, and he said,

"But why doesn't Sophie

have testicles, Mummy?

"Did they fall off?"

Did you need something?

Um...

Mind if I join you?

Uh...

- Um, yeah, sure.

- Sit down.

Look, I'm new here,

and to be perfectly honest,

I'm going a bit loopy.

It's not as wonderful

as everyone makes out, is it?

Being a mother.

Sometimes you just

want to slap 'em

into the middle of next week,

don't you?

You have something on your top.

I think it's banana.

- I would never hit my children.

- No, no...

No, you idiot.

She didn't mean literally.

You know, I bought bananas

at the organic market.

They're not cheap.

But they're good for the planet

and they're not gonna

give you cancer.

Have you heard about putting

plastic bottles in your freezer?

Apparently,

you get instant cancer.

- Are these antibacterial?

- Yeah, of course.

Otherwise, you're just

transferring the germs.

Um, was that you the other day

at the supermarket?

- With the twins.

- No. I don't think so.

Oh! Oh, those kids

were out of control!

- Out of control.

- Out of control. -Out of control.

# Do you let them watch TV

# And feed them

chips and cake for tea?

# Or do you give them salad

for supper?

# Once a week,

I serve 'em pizza

# From the freezer

frozen treats

# I'm a bad, bad mother

# Mama walks the shores

of Devon

# My shoe size is five

# And she wears seven

# I'm just a lonely cowgirl

with the blues

# With an aching need

to fill my mama's shoes

# Do they play

the violin yet?

# Do they run

the minute mile yet?

# Are they much more gifted

than the others?

# Whoo!

# They just like

to play the fool

# And run around in a circle

# I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad,

bad mother

# Do your babies

read and write?

# Do they sleep sound at night?

# Do they play

in the fresh air?

# And if they don't,

do you really care? #

- # Whoo!

- # Aaaah!

# Whoo-hod.!

- # Whoo-hoo!

- # Whoo!

# Whoo-hod.!

# My mama walks

the hills of heaven

# My shoe size is five

# And she wore seven

# I'm just a lonely cowgirl

- # With the blues

- # Mama's shoes

# With an aching need

# To fill my mama's

# Shoes

# Oh, mama's shoes

# Whoo!

- # Hey-hey, hey-hey

- # Hills of heaven

- # Hoo-hoo-hoo

- # Hills of heaven... #

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I feel much better now

that I've shared that with you.

I'd feel even better

if I knew you were watching.

So please log on.

Let me know what you think.

Oh! Hang on!

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm Neil.

I'm Neil from CCI.

Computer Care International.

Oh, I thought you worked

at the supermarket.

I do.

Right. Well, come on in.

Uh, you need some keywords

for the search engines

so people can find you.

Like 'singer'

or, you know, 'singing songs'.

- Ooh! 'Sink songs'.

- 'Sing songs'?

No, 'sink songs'.

Oh, I get it. 'Sink songs'.

- Mmm.

- Oh, OK. Yeah.

Anything else?

Um, other keywords.

'Desperate housewife'.

'Songs from kitchen'.

'Domestic prisoner's

musical breakout'.

I don't know, Neil.

Any suggestions?

No, no, no, no,

th-that's great, yeah.

Uh, um... You can have,

like, a ringtone thing too.

For what?

To let you know

when people are logging on.

So each time someone logs on,

you hear...

Quack-quack.

Neigh!

But there's a lot

to choose from.

Or you could make your own.

Oh, I think animal sounds

are brilliant.

I've got your camstream

now linked up with YouTube

and Facebook and MySpace.

That's great. That's wonderful.

- How much do I owe you?

- No, no. Nothing. It's...

It's free for you.

Uh, I mean,

there's a special on.

- F-first visit is free.

- Oh.

No charge.

What about

Computer Care International?

Won't they be cross?

Oh, um... They are me.

I am it. I am...

...Computer Care International.

Careful, darling.

Oh, darling. Come here.

Come here.

Shh, shh, shh.

# If you didn't do

what you wanted to

# If you only did

what everybody told you

# Who would you be?

# You will always try

You will always fly

# You will always

look a tiger in the eye

# Take it from me

# I see in your eyes

# There's a movie of dreams

# See there is more to you

# Than it first seems

# See you are brighter

# Than all the moonbeams

# You know

# For you light up the darkness

You glow

# Don't give up

Don't give in

# Don't let go. #

# Welcome to my kitchen sink

# This is where

I stop and think

# Where I'm sometimes

on the brink

# Of madness... #

- What is that?

- A mate sent me the link.

It's supposed to be some girl

down in Tasmania.

On a platter!

- Here it comes.

- Cross as a frog in a sock.

If we don't find a goddess

by Friday,

they're going

to pull the account.

And if they pull the account,

we'll be letting people go.

Thanks for waiting.

I was just putting my boys down.

You know, staying at home

with the kids can be great.

Really special.

Not that I'd ever take

any of it back.

But do you ever wonder

what other lives

you might have lived?

Do you ever suddenly have

the urge to be someone else?

Do you ever think...

# I have an itch

# To be a corporate b*tch

# In a suit with stockings

and high, high heels

# On my long, long legs

# You know I'd hire

# Then again, I'd also fire

# Anyone who underperforms

# Or was plainly the dregs

# I'd jog into work at six

# 'Cause that's how

I'd get my kicks

# Macchiato in my suite

'Cause I take my coffee neat

# The only boys I would employ

would be hunky, hot and toy

# So that I can just harass

their tight little arses

# I wanna be a mover, a shaker

# A fashionista ballbreaker

# I wanna be a CEO queen

# I wanna rock

the private investment scene

# So that their deal

# Would need

my corporate b*tch seal

# I have an itch

to be a rich kitsch b*tch

# Manicure and massage

la plage

# Followed by

a painless Brazilian... #

It's that girl from the park!

# Andy Warhol on my wall

tells me I could have it all

# I would like to bankrupt you

and still have a kid or two

# I'd take a week from work

so that I could carry them

# And if they didn't arrive

on time

# It's a caesarean

# I wanna be a mover, a shaker

# A fashionista ballbreaker

# I wanna be a CEO queen

# I wanna rock the scene

# The paparazzi

will take pictures

# Of my dynasty of b*tches

# I have an itch

# To be ruthless in my pitch

# To be a system-bucking

eyebrow-plucking

# Tantrum-chucking

corporate b*tch! #

Cassandra?

Sure.

No problem.

'Bye.

BOTH'. Yaw.!

It's a computer, a laptop,

pitched specifically

at the female market,

and I need someone

who embodies today's woman -

mother, lover, artist,

corporate b*tch.

We want to see

all these facets.

And I have flown all the way

down from Sydney today

because I think

you'd be perfect.

We want to use all your songs,

the whole webcam thing.

Naughty!

Zack!

No!

Yeah!

Um... Was it

a very expensive phone?

Oh...!

He's out of contact.

I don't know when he'll be

in contact, so I had to say no.

I think he'd want you

to take this opportunity, Elspeth.

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