Goddess Page #3

---

If we were part... partners,

I know I would.

I think you should call

that lady back and say yes.

Oh, Neil, that's so sweet.

But even practically speaking,

what do I do with the kids, eh?

What do I do with you two

for three days?

Well, I trained

as a paediatric nurse,

but quite frankly, I just think

the most important thing

is that I click

with the littlies.

- Click!

- Click!

In breaking news,

heartless career woman

abandons helpless twins

in pursuit of fame and fortune.

Nakedly ambitious singer

realises error of ways

as plane plummets into Pacific.

Environmentally friendly husband

marries marine mammal

and selfish, selfish woman

gets what she deserves.

Coffee?

- Uh-uh-uh.

- Mm-hm! Hmm.

- Ahhhh!

- Ohhh!

You clear off! The police

are on their way! Clear off!

My... my husband's inside,

and... and he's got a gun!

Who the hell are you?

Where's Elspeth?

Welcome to

Hotel Sydney, ma'am.

Thank you.

Whoop... Whoops.

Watch where

you're going, lady!

Hang on a second.

Round again. Hello!

- Elspeth! Ah, g'day.

- Oh!

- Um, I'm Ralph.

- Hi. I'm Elspeth.

Hi.

- These are for you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh.

- Oh.

I'll get... Ah!

You get... You...

Ah! Yeah.

I'm gonna get your bag

and we'll go this way.

And this is your room.

- It's a terrible view, hey?

- Whoa!

And this is to keep you famous.

You can broadcast

whenever you like.

# I have an itch... #

Hey, whoa! What are you doing?

You're not putting me on.

I'm just checking my webcam

back home.

I've hidden it in a pot plant.

You've hidden it?

Yeah - I've turned it

into a nanny cam

to keep an eye on things.

Elspeth Dickens, 007.

Ooh! That's a big noise.

There's my boys.

This should help with the pain,

Mr Dickens.

Oh, thanks.

I'm so terribly sorry.

That's alright, Mary.

I'm sorry about the swearing.

Oh, I should have realised

who you were,

but Mrs Dickens said

you were out of contact...

No, no. It's fine.

Would you like me to take them

out for a bit of a walk

so you can have a rest?

Thanks, but...

Would you like

something to eat?

Mary, what I'd really like

is to spend some time

with the kids on my own.

Here.

# Oh, mama-mama-mama

mama-mama-mama-maria

# Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-Ii-aa

# Gimme a hotel

Gimme a motel

# Gimme a vacancy

# Gimme the space now,

out of my face now

# Do not disturb me

# I'm ripping off my collar

I'm gonna howl and holler

# I'm gonna have a pillow fight

# I'm gonna dance

the whole damn night

- # I love a private party

- # Yeah, yeah, yeah

- # Nobody's invited

- # No, no, no

# 'Cause that's what I decided

# And what the lady wants,

the lady's gonna get, yeah

# I've got the time to make me

# So even I would take me

# I think I'm gonna kiss me

# I'll leave

and then I'll miss me

# I'm using all the shampoo

# Because you told me not to

# I might do things

I've never done

# I'm gonna take the towels

and run, hey

# I love a private party

# Nobody's invited

# 'Cause that's what I decided

# And what the lady wants,

the lady's gonna get, yeah

# I'm gonna

raid the bar fridge

# I'm gonna hog the bed now

# I'm gonna play my music

# I'm gonna play it loud now

# Mama-mama-mama-

mama-mama-mama-maria

# Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ia

# And I love a private party

# Nobody's invited

# I'm turning down the lighting

- # It could get quite exciting

- # Lady, get what you want

# I'm turning out

the lights now. #

Gerald would have a fit

if I carried on like that.

Gerald would have a fit

if you farted without permission.

Well, at least she's trying

to do something with her life.

At least she's trying.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

will someone get this woman to bed?

Helen, can she use

the spare room?

No, no, I'm not tired.

I'm pregnant.

- Oh, no.

- Oh.

Sorry.

Hi, Mary. It's Elspeth.

I'm just checking in to see

how you and the boys are doing.

Um, give me a buzz back

when you get this message. Thanks.

Ready?

- Alright.

- Yeah?

Wait!

Enter.

Well! You look

all shiny and new.

Eight hours sleep without a single

toddler finger up your nostril

will do that for you.

Thanks for having me.

I just can't believe it.

It's a dream.

Ralph, fetch the Goddess.

- Tada.

- I love it.

It's beautiful.

Goddess.

For all the women you are.

Is that a line from the ad?

That's THE line.

My line, actually.

And strictly speaking,

it's not an ad, it's a webisode.

A series of webisodes.

So the idea is, right,

to post a whole bunch of clips

of you singing on the Net,

and in each clip,

you'll play

one of these

different characters.

And then you'll use

your Goddess computer

to solve any little problems

that might arise.

Have you had a chance

to read the scripts yet?

- Great.

- Big day tomorrow.

- Are you ready?

- Mm-hm.

- Hello?

- Oh, hi!

Hey.

- So, you got a gig.

- Yeah.

It's a Web thing.

Son of ads but on the Net.

- So you're back.

- Yep. Yep.

I left a million messages

for you,

but you weren't there,

and I thought,

"He wouldn't want me to miss

an opportunity like this."

So I took the plunge.

Have you met Mary?

Isn't she great?

Um...

- Yeah.

- How are the whales?

- How did it go?

- Fine. Good. It went well.

Don't be angry

with me, James.

The opportunity came up

and I took it.

Fine.

Don't say it's fine

when you don't mean it.

- I do mean it.

- No, you don't. You're angry.

I'm not angry. I just wasn't

expecting you to be away.

- Yeah, well, I am.

- Yeah, you are.

When you're away, do I call up

and pick fights with you?

Picking fights?

I'm not the one picking fights!

Why would you accuse me

of picking fights

when I'm

thousands of miles away

already feeling bad

about doing something

that's my

perfect right to do?

BOTH swam

# Welcome

to my kitchen sink

# This is where

I think and think... #

Sorry. Can I just

check the lyrics?

Elspeth, this is your song.

You know the lyrics.

I know, I know.

- Do you want to take a minute?

- No, I'll get it right.

Still rolling.

# Welcome to my kitchen sink

# This is where

I stop and think... #

- Um, did geishas wash up?

- Cut!

89.7% of all domestic cleaning

is performed by women,

regardless

of their profession.

Is that true?

I've absolutely no idea, darling,

but it feels true, doesn't it?

Don't eat the props!

Sh*t!

Sorry.

Changing lenses. Take five.

I'm sorry. I've gone all fuzzy

round the edges.

I've seen this

a million times.

You're terrified of succeeding

so you sabotage yourself

before you can be disappointed.

Do you really think so?

We're ready.

What I think?

What I think is,

you can do this.

Mm-hm?

Right. Come on, alien girl.

Eh?

- What do you reckon?

- Handsome.

Hey? I look like

a giant squid.

Come on. Just a few more shots

and it's a wrap.

And then it's drinkies

and a fancy-schmancy din-dins.

- Oops! Where are we going?

- Oh, my head.

It's just down here.

They're waiting.

- No, for din-dins.

- Oh, for din-dins?

- I think it's a sushi joint.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes