Goddess Page #5

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- Ralph?

- Mmm?

Oh! Exiting stage left.

I was tough on you

the other day, I know.

But I only said what I said

because the big time

is barrelling towards you

like a freight train.

It will only come once.

There will only be

one opportunity to get on board.

And if you don't

take your seat now,

then some other

lucky girl will.

And your chance will pass.

Forever.

If you're going to make this work,

then you need to let...

- What's his name, your husband?

- James.

Then you need to let James

carry more of the load.

We have a deal.

We agreed I'd be the main carer

until the kids were...

Deal, schmeal.

Opportunities like this

come once in a lifetime.

You need

to renegotiate your deal.

- I guess I'll get Mary back.

- Why can't you do it?

I can for a bit, but I've got to go

back to work on Wednesday,

and if you can't say

how long you're gonna be...

James, I want to

renegotiate our deal.

Yeah, whose big idea

was that in the first place?

Mine. I'm not blaming you.

I'm just asking you to review it.

You threw the deal

out the window

the moment

you took off for Sydney.

Don't be pretending

to ask my permission.

You don't seriously expect me

to tell these people to go away

until the twins

went to school

because that's when it's my

husband's turn to look after them,

so that's when I could work?

I expected you to do

exactly what you wanted to do,

and that's what you've done -

shock, horror.

What's the matter

with you?

Don't you want this

for me?

For us?

Don't you want this money?

Three cheers for Elspeth,

bringing home the big bucks.

You're all snippy

because you're tired,

'cause you're looking after

twin terrors 24/7.

Try doing it

for two and a half bloody years.

Try shoving your head

up your bum!

Interesting

how calm and rational you can be

when I'm the one

stuck at home.

But as soon as the shoe

is on the other foot...

- Hey, Elspeth.

- What?

This!

Hey, goddess lady!

Whoa! It's me.

Hey, I've been

watching your stuff on YouTube.

You're... You're awesome.

No, I'm not. I'm rubbish.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

I'm a sellout.

I don't do anything properly.

I'm a crap wife, a crap mother

and a terrible person.

Ah!

Goodnight.

# The goddess

comes in all shapes and sizes

# She is full of surprises

Here comes the goddess

# Sometimes she wears

inappropriate clothing

# Sometimes she's wearing

a nose ring

# Maybe wearing her make-up

# Maybe not

# She comes

when you least expect her

# But nobody can reject her

# Here comes the goddess

# So if you're

spiritually incomplete

# If you're out there

searching the street

# Look closely

at the women you meet

# The goddess

She will surely affect you

# Then she'll come

disinfect you

# Maybe wearing dark glasses

# She's got two big asses

# Struts her stuff for you

# Eats enough for two

# A dangerous dancer

# She might be the answer

# She comes

when you least expect her

# And nobody can reject her

# Here comes the goddess

# So if you're

spiritually incomplete

# If you're out there

searching the street

# Look closely

at the women you meet

# Here comes the goddess

# Sometimes she doesn't

wash her hair

# Sometimes

she's hairy like a bear

# Sometimes she wears

a wedding ring

# So look around

# Here comes the goddess

# The goddess

Perhaps her nose is red

# She might be

the stranger in your bed

# Perhaps she will knock you

on your head

# So look around

# Here comes the goddess

# Oh, here she comes

# A dangerous dancer

# She might be the answer

# Doo-doo-doo-doo-d00-doo-doo

# Here comes the goddess. #

sun rubbish.

So.

Same time, same place?

Can I come up?

- Rory!

- What?

Just to make sure the fella

in the funny outfit doesn't mug ya.

Good bye.

Thank you.

Stop it.

Stop it. I mean it. No.

You are Elspeth Dickens, mother,

and you are playing

dangerous games.

Who's she talking to?

You are Elspeth Dickens, wife,

and your husband's name

is James, James...

- Is she writing a song?

- I don't think so.

James, James, James.

Oh... There you are.

Oh. Oh, my God. That's him.

That's the husband. That's her

kitchen. She's switched us over.

Come on!

You worked the last time.

- Come on.

- Have you tried pulling it?

- What?

- Um, the knob.

Sorry?

Sorry.

Ah.

I'm Cherry.

From the agency.

I'm the babysitter.

Oh, Cherry.

What happened to Mary?

She's with another family,

I think.

Oh, well. You're here.

That's great. I'm James.

- Hi, James.

- Come and meet the, uh...

- The children?

- The children.

A massive

ground assault is underway.

Oh, jeepers.

What's wrong?

Did they do a poo?

No poo.

Hello, little ones.

If you don't do a poo,

you're gonna explode.

Boom!

Uh, hey. Who wants

to make playdough?

Do you want to make playdough?

Let's do that. Yeah.

- A little Elmo.

- A little Elmo.

Little arms.

Can I get you anything

before you go'?

- No, I'm fine. Thank you.

- Alright. Hey...

Boys, we're gonna

make a cake, aren't we?

Cake! Cake! Cake!

Cake! Cake!

This playdough's hard work.

Oh, you go

whenever you need to.

- I don't have to go just yet.

- Oh.

- OK.

- OK. Yep.

Mummy!

We've got no right

to be doing this.

They don't even know

there's a camera there.

Which makes it reality TV

at its finest.

- Mummy! Mummy!

- Not now, Napoleon!

Should we ask Daddy

to be our guinea pig?

Yeah? Alright.

Open wide.

- Oh, no. Oops.

- That's really yummy.

Mmm!

Oh, that... That is good.

- Good work.

- Mmm!

- Oh, look! What's that?

- Cake!

- You're not Mary.

- I want cake!

But first,

Daddy's gonna ice it.

I can't.

I'll bugger it up.

- He'll just get in the way.

- Oh, here.

- Oh, Elspeth doesn't like this.

- What?

- What?

- Two people in the kitchen.

- She says I get in the way.

- We like having you here.

- Don't we?

- Yes!

I'm having great fun, but...

...I've really

got to go shopping.

- Here.

- Daddy's being silly!

- He is! He can't go like that.

- Like what?

That shirt needs a sponge.

It'll take me two secs.

- Come on, off with it.

- Are you sure?

Mm-hm.

- - Oh.

We can't let Daddy go

looking all gooey, can we?

"Oh, oh, oh, oh! We can't

let Daddy go looking all gooey."

"No, we have to

sponge him down first."

- Nice tatts.

- Great back.

You should see his bottom.

We have.

This is somebody's husband!

It's someone's private life.

That's what makes it

so good!

I'm gonna tell him.

I'm gonna tell James.

He's got a right to know

he's being watched.

Oh.

You should see the stats.

You have got the most powerful

non-parochial penetration

since Julian Assange

leaked all over his Wiki.

Oh! What's this?

A first-class ticket

to New York, New York.

Sit and I'll upload.

Wow!

# Not everyone

can have what you want

# Fame is a crowded room

# Everybody wants the one shot

# At the sun spot

that's up at the top

# I'm the one who can jump

to the front of the line

# Make the sun shine

Do you know who I am?

# Ooh

# Follow me

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