Good Morning, Vietnam Page #5

I've-- I'll never have them.

I've always wanted girls like that,|but I've always had trouble,|especially as a young child.

Who the hell gets laid as a young|child? And stop calling them "gals."

Cowgirls are called gals. Those are|gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls.

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images|of Dale Evans, all right?

Can you believe the shape|of those gals-- girls?

The one in blue.

Those behinds were designed by a Jewish|scientist in Switzerland, Dr Feintush.

- Dr Heimlich Feintush.|- We're trying to figure out|how to meet them...

- but nobody can come up|with any good lines.|- Wait a minute. Try this one.|Try this one.

Oh, girls, girls!|Come on over.

Pardon me, girls?|Excuse me, girls? Hello.

Hello! Come on. Yes.

Miss Southeast Asia

- Here she comes right now

- It says so in the memo.|"No fraternizing with these girls."|In the memo!|- Thank you.

- I will note your objection.|- Forget memos. Forget memos.|These are pretty women coming.

Here she comes

- This way, please.|- Hi.

Hello, I'm William Holden.

- Oh. Oh! Bingo.|- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.|If you believe in Santa--

- How come I don't get one?|- Dan Levitan. You've probably|heard my radio show.

What's your name?|My name is Levitan. Can you say that?

Hey, who brought in the gook?

I said, who brought in|the f***in' gook?

I love you.

- A khaki eclipse.|- I better go now.

That's all right.|I did. Hey, come on now.

If you kick out the gooks, the next|thing, you have to kick out the chinks,|the spicks, the spooks and kikes.

All that's gonna be left in here|are a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

- And what fun would that be?|- Now's when they stop talking.

- Now, come on. Let me buy you|a couple of beers. How 'bout it?|- What, are you crazy?

- I might b--|- Shut up!|- Okay.|- Get him outta here.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!|Come on now.

- You gotta prove somethin', knockin'|around little Vietnamese kids here?|- This is a GI bar.

We don't like gooks. We don't want|him here. You just get him out!

Everybody say "gook,"|but it's all right.

-Jump in anytime, okay?|- We're there.

I got to tell you somethin',|you know?

I've been all around the world, seen|a lot of places and a lot of people.

I have never ever in my travels|come across a man as large as you...

with as much muscles,|who has absolutely no penis.

Ooh!

He mean that as compliment!

Oh, sh*t!

That's it for you, a**hole!

Call police, quick!

Talk.

These two behemoths were physically|abusing a Vietnamese national. I thought|since we were here to defend their cou--

So you start a brawl. Turn the place|upside-down. Real intelligent solution.

Do you have any idea how|ridiculous it makes me look to|have a man under my command...

start a f***ing bar brawl?

You're not gonna|last long here, pal.

- You can always|send me back to Crete.|- Oh, you think this is a joke?

I can come up with alternatives|other than Crete. I'm real good|at stuff like that.

I got people stuck in places|they haven't even considered|how to get out of yet.

You don't think I can|come up with somethin' good?

- Can you envision some fairly|unattractive alternatives?|- Not without slides.

A bar brawl.|That's one, Cronauer.

You better stay cool. You better|not get involved in anything.

You better not even come within range|of anything that happens...

or your ass is grass,|and I'm a lawn mower.

- Am I being fairly clear?|- Yes, sir.

"Sir"? Do you see anything on|this uniform indicating an officer?

- What does three up and three down|mean to you, Airman?|- End of an inning?

Sergeant Major.

Now, you get the hell|out of here right now.

Jesus. Enough.|Please, I'm-- Ba-- Bag it!

Wake up, Mr Sleepy Head.|You are late.

Gentlemen, what can I say|but "hiya."

- Hiya.|- Hiya.

Okay, which one of you guys|is throwing his voice?

Oh, censor, censor, censor.|Join the Army and mark things.

Hey, come on. What kind of|news are you leaving me there?

Nixon, Singapore,|Lake Erie. Come on.

Come on. You're on|in, like, two seconds.

It's time for Adrian Cronauer.

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hello, campers.|Remember, Monday is malaria day.

That's right. Time to take that|big orange pill and get ready|for the Ho Chi Minh two-step.

and all things nice

Kisses sweeter than wine

and all things nice

You know that little girl is mine

and stares at my baby

We're back. Here's the news.|All the news that's new|and approved by the US Army...

the sweetest-smelling army|in the world.

Great Britain recognized|the island state of Singapore.

How do you recognize an island? Do you|go, exc-- Hey, wait. No, don't tell me.

Wait, wait. Didn't we meet last year|at the Feinman bar mitzvah?

You look a lot like Hawaii.|Didn't we meet last year|at the Peninsula Club? No.

Pope Paul VI|celebrated a mass in Italian.|Whoa! Call me crazy! He's in Rome.

You know, one day I want to meet him,|kiss his ring, and have it go, whrrr!

The Mississippi River broke through|a protective dike today.

What is-- What is a protective dike?|Is that a large woman standing by|the river going, "Don't go near there"?

"But Betty--" "Don't go near there.|Get away from the river.|Stay away from there."

I know we can't use the word "dyke." You|can't even say "lesbian." It's women in|comfortable shoes. Thank you very much.

Now here's the weather. We're gonna|go right to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.|Roosevelt, how's it going?

"Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't even|come here and bother me right now."

- Well, thanks, Roosevelt.|Can't you give us a little weather?|- "Not now, man.

I'm on the balcony,|I'm trying to score. Back off."

Well, what's the weather like?|"You got a window? Open it."

Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to|go to someone else for the weather.

I guess we'll have to go all the way|to Washington Weather Central|to Walter Cronkite.|Walter, what's the weather like?

"I just want to begin by saying|to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt...

'What it is, what it shall be,|what it was.'

Weather out there today|is hot and shitty...

with continued hot and shitty|in the afternoon.

Tomorrow a chance of continued|crappy with a pissy weather|front coming down from the north.

a snake's ass in a wagon round-up. "

Okay, we're gonna hit some songs|at you right now. Comin' your way!

What the hell was that?|Crappy weather, shitty weather?

- Comedy, sir.|- Comedy? No, no. This is not comedy.

- Comedy is fun, it's antics,|hysterical-type things.|- Hysterical-type things?

- Airman Cronauer|requesting you to elaborate, sir.|- Antics, damn it.

Comedy of errors, like|the Keystone Cops falling down.|General wackiness like that.

Falling down, that's a sight gag.|How would anyone see you|fall down on the radio, sir?

on the radio, sir.

- See, sir?|- What I mean is in the spirit|of the Keystone Cops.

- Sir, it wouldn't work, I don't think.|- I don't think anybody would|see you fall through a radio, sir.

- I-I-I-I-- If a field radio--|- What are you doing here?

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