Good Morning, Vietnam Page #6

- Well, I thought I'd come|and help smooth things out--|- Don't help and don't smooth.

And you-- You are not funny,|but you are a maniac...

and you'd better start|changing your life.

Sir?

Thank you for that|constructive criticism. It's--

It's a privilege to take comedy notes|from a man of your stature.

Fine.Just don't|let it happen again.

Whoa.

In the dictionary under "a**hole,"|it says "See him."

Why am I here? All right, we're gonna|play some music for you right now.

Here we go. Here's a little|James Brown comin' your way.

Baby, help me, please.

Whoa, I feel good

I knew that I would, now

I feel good

I knew that I would, now

So good

I got you

- Ow|- Ow! Ow! Back again.

When I hold you in my arms

I know that I can do no wrong

And when I hold you in my arms

My love can't do me no harm

Like sugar and spice

I feel nice

- Like sugar and spice|- Sugar and spice!

- So nice|- So nice!

- I got you

- I feel good|- Tell 'em, James. Hurt 'em now.

- I knew that I would, now|- Good God, help me!|Work through it. Ow!

I feel good

I knew that I would

So good

- Sir, Walter Cronkite|lives in New Jersey.|- It was a joke, sir.

- Yes!|- Sarcasm, sir.|- Up in Bergen County.

- That's a form of humour, sir.|Yes, sir.|- Oh, it's Hackensack!

- Yes, sir.|- How do I know?|- I'll make sure he gets the message.

- We're pretty happy with him,|too, sir. Thank you.|- Yes, I'm sure that wasn't|Walter Cronkite.

- I will tell him, sir.|- Didn't I speak to you before?|- Okay, sir. Thank you.

Very good! All right, now.|All right. Let's recap now. Okay.

- If someone is not telling the truth,|you say that they are full of--|- Sh*t!

- Sh*t.|- Yes! Okay.

If someone is making you angrier|and angrier, therefore you have--

- Pissed me off.|- Pissed me off!

Okay.Join the others if you can.|All right. Let's see--

If you say that, hey, some people in|a car-- some gypsies, they cut you off.

- All of a sudden you--|- Flip them the bird.|- The bird!

Very good. Okay. Now we got|a special situation right now.

Okay, there's a Puerto Rican waitress.|She comes over, brings you|a little thing of red soup.

She's got some tomato soup.|Oh, she slips, she spills it...

on your brand-new gaberdine pants that|you paid more than a colour TV for.

- You're a little angry,|so you say to her-- Minh?|- Uh, look what you did...

and god damn it|and stupid and crap.

That's stupid.|You don't call someone crap.

No, you step on crap.|You don't call it to a person.

- You can step on crap. I know you can.|- Yes, but they can be full of sh*t.|He said.

No, no. You see, you-you-you step|in sh*t. You can be full of crap.

I'm pretty sure you can step in crap.|I once saw it in a French movie.

How can some person look like a sh*t?|It impossible.

I think-- Okay, let's stop with the--|We can stop with the debate|on the great ca-ca right now.

Let's try a very special situation.|Wilkie, somethin' special, okay?|You go into a restaurant, okay?

A waitress comes up to you. You're, eh--|You're wearing your best new suit.

She comes up, she spills soup|all over you, looks at you like...

"Eh, I'm sorry.|What are you gonna do about it,|a**hole?" What do you say to her?

What would you say? They spilled|something on your pants. What would|they do? What would you do?

I do nothing.

Come on, Wilkie. It's cursing class.|You're gettin' a little pissed off.|What would you do?

I just remain reticent.

Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets|a knife, she starts stabbing you.

She's stabbing you.|She's putting forks in you.|She's got spoons in your eyes, Wil.

They're startin' to cut you with knives.|They're puttin' spoons in your eyes.|What would you do, Wil?

- What would you do?|- I'm waiting to die.

Mr Cronauer, we like your lessons|better than the book's.

- When we play baseball?|- When you teaching us softball?

Well, first we have to have|a little spring training, and when|I think you're ready, I'll try.

- Where are you come from?|- Queens. Bayside, Queens.

- What are Queens?|- Tall, thin men who like show tunes.

No? Big men with moustaches|named Mary who wear mascara.

Yeah, lakai!

What is a lakai?

Relax, already, crazy American.

- I make a date with you|and Trinh tomorrow.|- You did?

Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa,|by the food and flower vendors where you|burn your mouth on the noodles.

- Where's that?|- The noodles, remember?

- When you burn your mouth.|- Oh, gosh, yeah.|- But I warn you: you not like it|when you get there.

- You say it ridiculous.|- Why? That's the most|ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- Hi.|- Hi!

Oh, God.|This could be very ugly. Hi.

Chaperons.

In Vietnam, family often come...

to meet someone--|to meet someone.

Hello. Hey.|Well, the gang's all here, huh?

Oh, God, help me.|This is wonderful.

Well, you know,|you're very beautiful.

You're also very quiet.

And I'm not used to girls being|that quiet unless they're medicated.

Normally I go out with girls|who talk so much you could|hook 'em up to a wind turbine...

and they could power|a small New Hampshire town.

You talk, I think, very much.

Well, you-- you see, I'm not used to|going on a date with a grand jury,|and it makes me a little nervous.

Oh. I don't want makes|you nervous, "Cronow."

I knows you very nice.

And for trusting,|you is the best...

on the gently of what you say...

or never to be for both|the same and another.

Well, I had you there, babe,|but then you lost me at the end.

Hey, hey.|Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, there you go. Whoa!|Got one for you.

Hey, there we go. For you.|Here we go. For you.

Knock yourselves out.

What's 1 / 1 3th of a dollar|among friends? Come on.

No problem.|It's-- They're havin' a great--

Hey, listen,|I know there's no way.

But it doesn't mean|we can't have a few laughs.

Hey, I'll take|whatever you can give...

'cause I'm just happy|to be with you.

You want to see a movie|or somethin'?

- We must to ask the people.|- Hey, that's no problem.

Attention, shoppers.|People. People, settle.

"Under the Boardwalk"?|You know that one?

"Shout" by the Isley Brothers.|You know that?

- You know any American songs at all?|- "Puff the Magic Dragon."

You know "Puff the Magic Dragon"?|Can you sing it?

Puff the Magic Dragon

- Living by the tree|- That's wonderful.

Hey. Twelve, please. Um--

Take a blanket made for two now

Add a boy and a girl

That's a game for me and you now

Yeah, let's give it a whirl

Beach blanket bingo

Beach blanket bingo

Beach blanket bingo

That's the name of the game

My thoughts exactly.

Why can't I read this?|It's what's goin' on here now.

- They'd never approve|of that being released.|- That's censorship, Edward.

- That's not what America's all about.|- We're not in America, sir.

Can we please not get into this right|now? You're in the middle of a show.

Jesus, you could put amphetamine freaks|to sleep with this sh*t.

Got an "Agreement on Guam"?|Sounds like bird droppings.|Oh, here's somethin' exciting.

"Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill."|Sounds like a children's story.

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