Good Morning, Vietnam Page #7

- That's it. I'm readin' this.|- No, I can't let you do that.

Oh, Edward, don't you ever do|anything that's not by the book?

Not when I get into trouble.|No, I don't.

You know, Eddie, sometimes|you got to specifically go out|of your way to get into trouble.

It's called fun.|What's that? Come on.

Take some chances once in a while,|Edward. That's what life's all about.

- Find anything?|- No, I'll have to make somethin' up.

Hey, we're back. That last two seconds|of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest|hit single, "Walkin' In The Wind."

And now here are the headlines.

Ah! Here they come at you right now.|Pope actually found to be Jewish,|Liberace is Anastasia...

and Ethel Merman|jams Russian radar.

The East Germans today claimed that|the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.

Also, the Pope decided today to release|Vatican-related bath products,|an incredible thing.

Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope.|That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope.

Wash with it, go straight|to heaven. Thank you!

Ethel Merman today uses|a test to jam Russian radar.|Here's a brief test of that jamming.

Oh, I've got a feeling

That love is here to stay

When asked for a reply, the Russians|went, "What the hell was that?"

Here's a news flash.|Today President Lyndon Johnson|passed a highway beautification bill.

The bill basically said|that his daughters could not drive|in a convertible on public highways.

Hey, we got a great show|comin' your way today.

Former Vice President Richard Nixon's|in town. That's right,|the big Dick is here. Get ready.

I think there's|an incredible coincidence here.|I think he sounds exactly like Mr Ed.

You be the judge.|"I tell you this."

Now listen:
"Wilbur, come in the room."|An incredible coincidence.

Some more songs.|Movin' on, movin' on into the dawn|with the Dawnbusters. Yeah!

- It's all right, it's all right

- It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right

- It's all right

The requests will be taken|pretty soon. Requests--|Where am I gonna take requests?

Where do you call from? "Yeah, I'm in|a phone booth out in the DMZ.

-And I think you're too fine

- You know, now, how I love ya|- Lock and loll, baby. Lock and loll.

How I love ya, believe me

If you want me, it's all right

- It's all right, it's all right

- It's all right

- It's all right, it's all right|- Believe!

- It's all right

Once again we've got our friend|from military intelligence.

Can you tell us what you've found out|about the enemy since you've been here?

"We found out|that we can't find them.

They're out there, and we're having|a major difficulty...

in finding the enemy."

Well, what do you use|to look for them?

"Well, we ask people,|'Are you the enemy?'

And whoever says yes,|we shoot them."

- It's all right

- It's all right

"It's very difficult to find|a Vietnamese man named Charlie.

They're all named Nyugen|or Doh or things like that.

- Coming home, it feels nice

Thanks very much.|Is it true that you've actually, um--

You're actually too close to some|of the nerve agents they were testing?

"Nerve-- uh, gas?"

Yes, have you used any?

"Well, once, yes, on myself.

And it had no-- Whoa! Whoa!|No effect on me.

I've had no actual--|Whoa! She-hoo!

Whoa! Whoa! Big dogs!|Big dogs landing on my face!

I don't know what that means."

Hey, that's it for me.|I'm outta here.

That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour,|but I'm gonna turn you over right now|to Mr Warmth...

Dan "The Tan" Levitan!

Thank you so much, Adrian.

Adrian Cronauer, GIs,|a wacky and welcome addition...

- to AFRS, Radio Saigon.|- Nixon's press conference.

Well, wait till you hear it.|He's this far from sincerity.

Uh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed|my face.Just a moment. Come on.

- Where do you imagine you're going?|-Just gonna get|a little somethin' to eat.

You don't have time. You'll stay here|and drink instant beverage or something.

We promised our listening audience|Nixon highlights by 4:00 p.m.

I've been on the air for four hours.|I'm a little hungry.

- That's a joke, right? I get it.|- No, I'm actually hungry.

Well, I'm actually|giving you an order.

Oh, it's an order.|In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.

Thank you.|Mm-mmm, Campbell's.

Aha! Ha! Earl!

Ha, you again.|No more fighting, okay?

Oh, you got it.James!|Nice, shiny green suit.

- You look like an Oriental leprechaun.|- You like it?

I got it in Hong Kong...

home of the shiny|green suit.

there is no place for neutrality...

in South Vietnam.

is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...

will be defeated...

will be won.

suggested, give and take.

suggestion, sir. I'm sorry.

has no right to give.

- Why would Cronauer's voice|be on this tape?|- I don't know, Lieutenant.

to the Communists.

concise political commentary...

for the men in the field.

your testicles?

shallow, that they have no purpose.|- Oh, my God.

- That they lack the physical strength.

- Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.

that can transform you...

or possibly a very well-hung Chihuahua.

it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.

back to the United States?

- By plane...

and also by automobile.

Mr Ed, because I know people love that.

Cut that thing off.|I said cut it off!

- Sir.|- Where is Cronauer?

- Still eating, sir.|- I want to see him ASAP.

- What, sir?|- As soon as possible.

- VG, sir.|- We interrupt this broadcast...

to bring you an emergency selection|of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.

taking him off the air.

and letters each week. Fan mail.

He's the first man in the history|of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.

Every GI in this country|is glued to his radio twice a day...

at 0600 hours and 1 600 hours|to hear that lunatic.

Sir, the man has got|an irreverent tendency.

He did a very off-colour|parody of former VP Nixon.

- I thought it was hilarious.|- Respectfully, sir...

the former V.P. is a good man|and a decent man.

Bullshit!|I know Nixon personally.

He lugs a trainload of sh*t behind him|that would fertilize the Sinai.

Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from|the son of a b*tch, and I consider|him a good, close, personal friend.

Let's get down to business here,|General. What the hell's goin' on here?

We've got a mounting crisis|in this country. We've got|a deejay that the men dearly love.

If you two have personal problems,|solve them, will you?

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Thank you, Lieutenant!

Speak your piece, Dick.

Due respect, sir. I have over 15 years|command experience in this army.

Do you really expect me to run|this radio station with nothin'|to say and no way to do it?

Right now, yes.

Yes, sir.

This is not over yet.

If somebody wants you

- Why are you still here?|- Sparky. Sittin' back, havin'|a cup of formaldehyde here.

You say after you go out with Trinh, you|meet me to talk and discuss about her.

- There's nothing to discuss.|She doesn't like me.|- Yes, she do.

- No, she don't.|- She do liking you.|She want to meet you today.

- She's not far from here.|- I can't. I gotta be back|on the air again at 4:00.

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