Goods Page #8

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Look at this. You know, everyone's gone,

so you can shut it down. Thank you.

Looks like that's gonna do it for me.

Good night, sweet Temecula.

May all your loves be tender...

- Seriously! Shut it the f*** down!

- Thank you.

See, I don't do what I'm told.

I'm what's called contrarian, all right?

I hate...

You gonna turn the lights off on me?

Like that's gonna scare me?

I don't give a f***!

I'm homeless, motherfuckers!

Wow! Hey...

Come on in.

Shouldn't you be at home

with Bell Biv DeVoe

writing personalized vows or some sh*t?

Don, I'm here.

Don't make me change my mind.

Yo, we're Temecula's

number-one pop sensation.

- Big Ups!

- Big Ups!

And we're gonna be kicking it live,

right here at Harding Imports tomorrow,

so come on down!

- Congrats again on that. Yeah.

- Thanks.

- You want to turn it off?

- He needs to see this.

With lease-to-own options

and a full-service garage

We're gonna make love.

Love.

Love.

Love.

- Head & Shoulders?

- How'd you know?

My uncle uses it.

We're actually making love.

I'm making love.

We're making love.

You know what nobody ever told me

about making love?

- What?

- How boring it is.

Yeah.

You can do anything you want.

My safe word is "blueberry pancakes."

Okay.

Let's have sex

in every corner of this room.

Okay.

I f***ed up.

I should've got a bigger room.

- That's okay.

- I have points and I didn't use them.

Continental breakfast in bed.

- Hacienda Courts style.

- Wow.

You know why

this is the best breakfast?

- Why?

- Bear claws, crullers,

prison-size orange juice.

You know, I actually feel bad for Paxton.

I didn't mean to come in

and split you guys up,

but engagements are made

to be broken.

Don, I'm not leaving Paxton.

What?

You don't love him.

Well, now, that's not necessarily true.

And, you know, I'm almost 30 years old.

I mean, what am I supposed to do,

you know?

I want things,

and I want a family,

and Paxton wants those things, too.

I mean, look, nobody dreams of buying

an '88 Lynx station wagon,

but we sold one yesterday, right?

And the people who bought it, bought it

because buying a 2007 Land Rover

wasn't an option for them.

So, what are my options, Don?

What about us? What about giving us

a chance? I mean...

Where, in the Hacienda Courts

in Boise?

Or how about

the Hacienda Courts in Wichita?

'Cause if things go really well,

we could raise our kids

in the Hacienda Courts in Muskogee.

What did you even come here for?

Because I wanted one last fling.

And I know

you're not gonna stick around.

So, you're just gonna have sex with me

and then leave?

This hurts!

Guess this is what

women mean when they say,

"So you're just gonna have sex

with me and leave? This hurts."

I'm sorry.

Something that I want is being taken

away from me, and I don't like it!

I don't like it!

This is exactly how I felt after 'Querque!

Screw everybody!

The only thing that I trust

in this world is cars!

Come on, Don!

Come on!

- What's going on?

- Don!

Don's never been late

for the last day of a sale.

Don's gone,

and you did not see me here.

Okay.

Well, did he go to the lot?

I don't know.

He kind of just freaked out and left.

'Querque all over again.

F***ing 'Querque.

He's gone.

Looked everywhere, called the cops.

No one knows where he is.

I'm sorry, fellas,

I apologize from all of us.

No. Hold on.

You guys did your best.

I mean, it was an uphill battle

from the beginning, right?

But, hey! We still sold some cars, right?

We still sold some cars!

Might as well dust off the old rsum.

Hey, wait just a minute.

I practically built this dealership myself,

and I remember a day when

we wouldn't hang our heads

or talk about closing the lot.

A customer would walk in here

and this place would pop!

There you go, Ben.

And having Don "The Goods" Ready

here for three days

made me remember why I became

a car salesman in the first place.

Mr. Selleck's right.

We can do this.

Don has taught us all something.

He knew more about us

than we knew about ourselves.

Yeah.

You know, I never much cared for Jews,

queers or f***ing Eskimos,

but that's just the way I was brought up.

Is that it?

Yeah. That's it.

I just wanted to put that out there.

I thought we were opening up here!

Guys. We can sell these cars.

- There you go!

- Ready has carried us this far.

Well, I say we start

carrying our own weight.

So let's get out there and sell the metal!

Who's with me?

- We are!

- We are!

- I'm with you! Listen to him!

- We are! We are!

- We are! We are! We are!

- We are! We are! We are!

- We are! We are! We are!

- We are! We are! We are!

You don't even know this guy.

Look at him.

He's a gun for hire, a tramp.

He's probably out there with no family,

nothing real to hold onto.

And I know

you're not gonna stick around.

James Van Der Beek, my n*gger.

Well, if it isn't

Don goddamn f***ing Ready.

Holy f***. McDermott?

He has returned

He is McDermott

Oh, my God!

I been waiting a long time

to set the record straight with you, man.

He's setting

the record straight, motherf***er

I trusted you, Don. I trusted that what

we were doing was bigger than all of us.

But it turns out, all you wanted to do

was get your ball sack played with

by some woman with bad credit.

It's an age-old tale

His trust was betrayed by tang

Balls and wiener.

They let angels out of heaven

to cuss at people?

Yeah, of course.

That's what's going down, dipshit.

F*** you, Don Ready, f*** your family

I don't get it, McDermott.

Man, you used to be so easygoing and...

Yeah, I was. I was easy breezy.

And then, guess what?

I fell out of a plane and hit the ground,

and I didn't bounce.

But you know what did bounce?

My butthole through my face.

Geronimo, splat

Displaced anus

I'm so sorry, McDermott.

I need your help, man. I feel so empty.

Don't you get it, Don? This is where

all the cars we sell end up.

It's not about the cars.

It's about the team

and finding people you love. That's it.

- What do I do?

- You know what to do.

Get off the road, man.

I mean, after 35, it just looks pathetic.

While we're on the subject

You're too old for a Facebook page

I'm sorry, McDermott.

It's okay, man. I'll see you in 28 years.

That's when you're gonna die.

August 19, 2036

How am I gonna die?

Choking on a sausage patty

at a strip club.

Is there any way they could sing it?

'Cause it sounds sad.

No, it's not very lyrical, and it is sad.

So, no.

- A little bit? A little...

- No.

We talked about it in the heaven

spaceship that brought us here.

- We got to jump. Change your ways.

- No, no.

See you, Don.

Oh, my God, lvy and the team,

they need me.

They need me right now. Need me.

Thank you, McDermott!

Get them out of the back lot

and into the front!

Let's go, let's go!

I think you guys are gonna

really like this car. It's a good fit.

Good news.

My finance guy says it's gonna work.

Are you serious?

Zooha!

It's all Don. You understand?

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