Grandma Page #3

CAM:

How do I know it was me?

SAGE:

WHAT?

He picks up a hockey stick, starts messing with a piece ofballed up tape.

CAM:

You heard me.

SAGE:

I didn’t sleep with anyone else.

CAM:

You slept with Mike.

SAGE:

Last year. He used a condom.

ELLE:

Why didn’t you use a condom?

What’d it, slip off?

CAM:

What? What’d she say?

SAGE:

She didn’t say anything

CAM:

Look, she said it wasn’t her time.

ELLE:

Her time? What are you, a moron?

Are you both morons? Don’t theyteach kids sex-ed anymore?

Cam puts down the hockey stick. Points at Elle.

CAM:

Listen Grandma, you better watchyourself.

ELLE:

Look at this loser. You know, some

people shouldn’t grow beardsbecause it makes their face look

like an armpit.

SAGE:

(laughs involuntarily)

Grandma!

CAM:

I’m serious, old lady, don’t fuckwith me!

ELLE:

Then give us the money!

CAM:

I don’t have the money, b*tch!

SAGE:

Let’s go, Grandma -

ELLE:

“B*tch?” Look, you have the money,

you little prick -

CAM:

What the f***? Are you bitchescrazy?

ELLE:

Get the God damn money!

CAM:

Get out of my home! I mean it, youold b*tch! Get out! Or I’ll f***

you up!

ELLE:

You’ll f*** me up?

SAGE:

Let’s go!

CAM:

I will, I’ll f*** you up.

Instead of going to the door, Elle grabs the hockey stick andHITS Cam with it. HARD in the HEAD.

He goes down, CRUMPLING to the ground.

SAGE SCREAMS.

CAM (CONT’D)

(groans)

Uuh -

Elle HITS him again, in the RIBS this time.

CAM (CONT’D)

Oh God, oh God - you hit me

ELLE:

I’ll hit you again, “b*tch!”

SAGE:

No!

ELLE:

How much money do you have?

CAM:

I don’t have

She HITS HIM in the LEG.

CAM (CONT’D)

AAA! GOD! FIFTY DOLLARS! LIKE

FIFTY DOLLARS!

ELLE:

Where?!

CAM:

In my sock drawer!

14 INT. ELLE’S CAR - DAY 14

Elle is sitting in her car, smoothing out and countingcrumpled bills.

It’s mostly ones.

Sage is in the passenger seat.

ELLE:

I like your boyfriend. He’s

special. Really charismatic. I

can see how you’d be attracted tohim.

Sage doesn’t say anything.

Elle opens a little baggie with some buds of weed in it and a

small pack of rolling papers.

ELLE (CONT’D)

This was in his sock drawer too.

Smells pretty good. Red hairs.

Sage gets out of the car. Starts walking away.

ELLE (CONT’D)

Hey! Where are you going? Hey!

15 EXT. STREET - DAY 15

Elle catches up with Sage.

ELLE:

Where the hell are you going?

SAGE:

Leave me alone! Mom’s right!

You’re crazy!

ELLE:

Why, cause I rapped that littleshit across the knuckles?!

SAGE:

Everyone’s gonna talk about it!

ELLE:

He’s not gonna tell people. What’s

he gonna say? “Sage’s grandmotherbeat me up?”

SAGE:

You could have killed him!

ELLE:

Nah, I hit him in the hard part of

his head. Stop! Stop...

Sage walks a few steps more, then leans over and gags,

throwing up a little.

ELLE (CONT’D)

Are you okay?

SAGE:

No! I’m not okay! I’m pregnant!

I’m f***ing pregnant!

Elle puts her hand on Sage’s back. Sage stands up, wipingher mouth.

SAGE (CONT’D)

You have an anger problem!

ELLE:

No, I have an a**hole problem.

When people are a**holes, it makes

me angry. Especially if they’rebeing a**holes to my granddaughter.

They stand there a moment.

ELLE (CONT’D)

Look. We gotta get going here. We

have to get like 550 dollars still.

(pause)

Come on. There’s someone who owes

me four hundred bucks. Maybe shehas it. Let’s go.

(pause)

Or you could just call your mom andask her for the money.

Sage thinks about it.

16 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 16

They drive.

17 INT. CAR - DAY 17

Elle is pensive.

ELLE:

So your mom says I’m crazy?

SAGE:

You know that. You know mom thinks

you’re crazy. She thinks I’m crazy

too.

ELLE:

You’re not crazy enough.

SAGE:

What does that mean?

ELLE:

Just an impression.

(pause)

You need to be able to say “screwyou” sometimes.

SAGE:

I say “screw you.”

ELLE:

You didn’t say screw you to thatlittle creep back there.

SAGE:

...No, I guess not.

didn’t.

(pause)

(MORE)

I guess I

SAGE (CONT'D)

Mom says you have problems dealingwith people. Since Aunt Violet

died. She says you’rephilanthropic.

ELLE:

“Philanthropic?” What?

SAGE:

No, wait - misanthropic.

ELLE:

Misanthropic.

(pause)

Well.

(pause)

That’s an understatement.

Elle smiles.

18 EXT. TATTOO PARLOR - DAY 18

Elle and Sage walk into a tattoo parlor.

19 INT. TATTOO PARLOR - DAY 19

At the front of the store a man is getting an elaborate

tattoo. The tattoo artist is a young woman with a lot ofpiercings.

ELLE:

(to tattoo artist)

Is Deathy here?

The tattoo artist calls out over her shoulder.

TATTOO ARTIST:

DEATHY!

DEATHY (O.S.)

Hold on!

DEATHY comes out of the back. Deathy is a much-tattoed postoperative

trans-gender woman.

DEATHY (CONT’D)

Oh, sh*t! Elle! It’s Elle!

ELLE:

Hiya Deathy!

Deathy hugs Elle.

DEATHY:

Who’s this?

ELLE:

My granddaughter.

DEATHY:

No! I haven’t seen you since youwere a baby!

SAGE:

Really?

DEATHY:

I changed your diapers! Now I feel

old.

ELLE:

Hey, could I have that four-hundreddollars?

DEATHY:

Oh God, Elle. Really?

ELLE:

Yeah, I need it. She’s pregnant.

DEATHY:

Oh. She needs a “Bortion,” hunh?

ELLE:

Yeah. She needs a “Bortion.”

SAGE:

Jesus. Stop it.

DEATHY:

We used to have this schtick where

this girl needed a “Bortion.” Like

she didn’t know it was called “an

abortion.” She thinks it’s called

“a Bortion.”

SAGE:

A “schtick?” That’s horrible.

ELLE:

It is, kind of. So do you havethat money, honey? Do you?

DEATHY:

Christ, I wish I did. Your Grandma

really helped me out, a while ago.

(MORE)

DEATHY (CONT'D)

I had these defective b*obs that

were leaking, just leaking siliconedown into my knees. It was awful.

Elle here came through for me. And

now you need me and I’m broke. I’m

f***ing broke.

(pause)

I can give you a tattoo. That I

can do. You want a tattoo,

darling?

SAGE:

What? No. Thank you. We have toget going.

ELLE:

How long would it take? For like alittle one?

DEATHY:

Oh honey, not long. Fifteen

minutes? I’m a quick draw.

ELLE:

Maybe it’d help me collect mythoughts. We gotta strategize

here.

LATER:

The needle is BUZZING.

Elle is getting a tattoo, a simple O tattooed on her

shoulder.

DEATHY:

Don’t you have any rich friends?

What about Deanne and Margot?

ELLE:

I kind of gave them hell last timeI saw them. Cause they justdisappeared when Vi got ill. Alongwith everyone else.

DEATHY:

What about all your academic pals?

ELLE:

They’re all broke and stingy. And

they’re all in Santa Cruz. We need

the money now.

SAGE:

What’s O for?

ELLE:

That’s not an O. It’s a circle.

It was the quickest one.

SAGE:

Looks like an O.

DEATHY:

I thought it was for orgasm.

ELLE:

Yeah, sure, it’s for that.

SAGE:

It’s not for “Olivia?”

Elle’s face tightens.

SAGE (CONT’D)

Isn’t Olivia the name of yourgirlfriend? Can’t you ask her formoney?

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