Gray Matters Page #9

he was leaving her for Mrs. Rosemont.

Yeah.

Remember we stayed

in the closet all night...

just cuddled up like

two little mice and...

listened to their whole fight.

I was...

so angry.

I was... hurt.

I was just-

I was mad, and I wanted to go out there

and kick his ass...

- and you remember what you said to me?

- Hmm.

You were just six...

but you said it was gonna be okay...

that Dad was not gonna live a lie...

that he was gonna try

and be happy...

and that everyone

deserved to be happy.

I said that?

- Yeah.

- I was so profound.

Why are you being so nice to me?

- You should hate me.

- For what? For having good taste?

You never have to worry about it.

I mean, she's completely,

madly, passionately...

like cow-jump-over-the-moon

in love with you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That's great... for me.

Not so great for you.

But you're not gonna

make me feel guilty for this are you?

Mm-mmm.

Gray, you know what?

You can't expect the first girl

that you fall in love with...

to love you back.

That's-That's not how it works.

That would be the equivalent

of settling down when you were age 12.

You haven't gone

through gay puberty yet.

- I think I'm ready to come out.

- To everyone?

- No. Of the elevator.

- Of the elevator.

I should have broken up

with Dereck ages ago.

I am having the best time.

- So what about you? Have you met anyone yet?

- Not yet.

Really? Girls should be lining up

around the block for you.

- What's your type?

- I don't have a type.

I mean, like the basics.

Like, brunette, blonde, short, tall?

It depends, I guess.

- Funny. You need funny.

- Funny would be good.

- And stylish. No Birkenstocks.

- That's for sure.

And for the love of God,

don't wind up...

with one of those ladies

who doesn't believe in waxing.

- You're killing me.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

- Have you ever been attracted to me?

- No.

- Really?

- No.

- Not even a little?

- No.

- Huh. Oh.

Not even last year, when I was in shape

after taking those Pilates classes?

Or last week when I wore that pink

MarcJacobs dress to work...

and you told me how cute I looked?

You looked so cute. You are cute,

but, you know, not cute that way, cute.

Hmm. Wow.

That's so depressing.

It's not like I'm into girls,

but if I was a girl who was into girls...

I'd definitely be into me,

'cause I think I'm a catch.

You are a catch,

but, uh, I don't know, you're not my type.

Hmm. But you said

you don't have a type.

- You gotta stop talking about this.

- All right.

Wait. Don't you usually have

therapy at lunchtime on Thursdays?

Oh, my God.

I'm so late. Shoot.

Okay. You know, I don't really want to go,

so watch this.

Sydney, it's Gray.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I don't

wanna go to the batting cages...

and I don't wanna go rock climbing

or bowling or anywhere with you...

'cause I'm feeling

really good about myself...

and I don't think you're a very good

therapist for me, so you're fired.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

- That was crazy.

- Can you believe I just did that?

That was amazing.

Do you want to get a mani-pedi

before we go back to work?

- Sure. I need a pedicure.

- Yeah.

What if I dyed my hair red?

Would you be attracted to me then?

- Yes.

- Really?

- You're hot.

- Ooh, mah-moo!

I can't go through with this.

- Yes, you can.

- Why do I have to?

Because you're gay,

and you have to start behavin' like it.

What am I supposed to do?

Wear a sign on my forehead?

No, but you haven't

had sex with a woman yet...

and, you know,

that's like being black...

and never having listened

to theJackson Five...

or being Jewish

and never having a knish...

or being Indian and never

having had a curry or being-

Or being Scottish

and not keeping your mouth shut?

- I suppose so. Come on.

- Hi.

Sorry. No men allowed.

Wh- Isn't that against the law?

- And I'm only goin' in for a wee minute.

- Yeah.

- No exceptions. No men.

- Forget it.

Well, just go in by yourself.

I can't go in by myself.

Are you kidding?

I have an idea.

I would like an Apricot Sour, please.

I'll have a Cosmo.

Not too much cranberry.

And a touch of lemon

and a squeeze of lime.

And a little bit of sugar

on the rim.

Comin' up.

Apricot Sour?

I thought that was what you women drank,

for Christ's sakes.

- One of your eyelashes is coming off.

- Give me a mirror, quick.

Hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no.

Um, I don't drink.

See, but thanks.

You don't?

Shut up.

This is quite tasty, actually.

Let's get out of here.

I'm not gonna meet anyone here.

Hey, give it a minute.

Oh, my God.

It's Julia Bartlett.

- Quick, quick. I gotta get out of here.

- Why?

- Can't have her see me in a gay bar.

- Hello. Is there anybody in?

No. Her? You think?

Gray, did your mom ever tell you...

what your I.Q. Scores were?

- Hi, Gray.

- Hello.

- It's nice to see you.

- Nice to see you too.

I'm just taking a break

from working on your account.

Gray, I didn't come over here

to check up on you.

Um, hello.

Uh, my name's Georgette.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

And, uh, lovely.

And I'm just gonna

leave you two to, uh-

to, uh- to catch up on everything.

- Mmm. Lovely.

- Don't go.

Yeah, it was lovely to see you too.

Really nice. Really nice.

Dutch way-Three kisses.

So, uh-

Fine. It's fine.

I'm fine. You're fine. Everything's gonna

be fine, and I've got to go now. Bye.

You really surprised me

the other day.

I had no idea you were gay.

That makes two of us.

You're not just coming out, are you?

Put it this way.

My hotel's been closed

for a long time...

but tonight's the grand opening.

There have been a few

fake openings...

but tonight's the real deal.

L- No, I don't understand.

Yes, I'm just coming out.

I don't think anyone in here will mind.

You really are adorable.

I always thought so.

Really?

From day one, in that little

cream, pin-striped suit you were wearing.

I like that suit too.

I think I got it at,

uh, Banana Republic.

Or maybe it was, uh,

Emporio Armani.

Actually, it could have been Barneys,

but the shirt was from Bloomies.

Listen. I have this

beautiful bottle of cognac...

that I just brought back

from France, and I would-

- I'd love to share it with you.

- You have it here with you?

No. My place.

- Oh.

- Central Park West and 85th.

Uh, okay, well-

I like cognac.

I like cognac.

I like brandy too.

Usually I have a little cognac

with a splash of brandy on the side.

I have brandy too.

- Give it up. You're toast.

- You're gonna eat those words.

Come on, Gray! Come on!

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