Grindhouse Page #6

I'm not awake. I'm asleep.

But get some more vodka

and some sugar-free Red Bull anyway.

And some Red Apple Tans.

Damn, I didn't stop

to get you b*tches groceries.

- You remember how to get to the airport?

Uh-huh.

Then you should get behind the wheel,

'cause you gonna drive.

Motherfuckers.

They ain't got sugar-free Red Bull.

They got regular Red Bull

and sugar-free G.O. juice.

G.O.

G.O.!

# It's not the way you kiss

that says you 're mine #

# Many, many, many nights go by #

# I sit alone at home and cry over you #

# What can I do #

# Don't want nobody, nobody #

# 'Cause, baby, it's you #

# Is it true what they say #

# All about you #

# They say you 'll never

ever never be true #

# It doesn't matter what they say #

# I know I'm gonna

love you any old way #

# What would I do #

# Without you #

# I don't want nobody... #

Where the hell are my keys?

Here they are.

Sorry, I didn't mean to give

you a concert there.

No, it wasn't you.

That guy bumped into my feet

when he walked by.

I don't know why,

but that kind of creeped me out.

# I don 't care

what they saying to me #

Little dick.

Clearly.

Since I'm up,

I might as well hit the ATM.

Get me a f***in' smoke.

What?

Did you just see the...

What?

Nothing, honey.

Y'ello.

It's me.

Miss me?

You best get your ass

off Kim's car.

- I've seen Kim sit on it before.

- Her ass ain't your ass.

Okay. So, I think I'm in

this month's issue of Allure.

You got Allure?

Magazines by the window.

Here you are!

You hot mama, you.

See you in a second.

$3.85... out of 20.

And you get 16 and change back.

Thank you very much.

You know, I got other fashion magazines

for sale behind the counter.

No, that's okay.

This'll be all.

Thought I'd ask.

- Thanks anyway.

- Have a good one.

I got this month's issue

of Italian Vogue.

This month's?

Listen to this.

The Circle A clerk has

this month's issue of Italian Vogue.

- No way.

- Way!

I can't believe f***in' Circle A

carries Italian Vogue.

It doesn't. It's his own personal copy.

He'll let it go for 27 bucks.

What the f*** do you care?

We're talking about per diem here.

We found an issue of Italian Vogue

in Lebanon, Tennessee.

We're lucky he's not asking

for f***in' Krugerrands.

I'm getting it, and we're

splitting it three ways.

What, me, you, and Kim?

Kim doesn't give

a sh*t about Italian Vogue.

but Brandy'll come in with us,

and if she won't, Tisla, her sister, will.

Okay, but if anybody tears out

any sheets I want,

you gotta make color Xeroxes

of those pages, and I'm not talking Kinko's.

You take it to the art department

and have them do it f***in' right.

Whoo!

Oh, my God!

Got it!

...the actress...

Oh, boy.

Your timing couldn't be better, Zo.

It just so happens we're all three

off-duty for the next three days.

F***in' hell! How does that happen?

I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's makeup,

and she's off for the next three days.

There's no stunts being filmed

during that time so Kim's free,

and Lee's on a will-notify

for the four days.

So how's the shoot going?

Great. We're having the best time.

The director, Cecil Evans, is so fun.

We're making the coolest movie

and partying all the time.

Hell, yeah. The next job

after this one is definitely gonna suck.

So let's hear it, ladies.

Set romances! Who's getting it off?

That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Oh, Toolbox!

Name sounds promising.

- He's a grip.

- What he is is a pervert.

Well, he just keeps sounding

better and better.

What's his perversion?

He likes to watch me pee.

# Lee is sitting on a toilet

and Toolbox is watching her pee #

# P-l-S-S-l-N-G #

Ooh!

Yeah, but not no more.

Now she's getting it on

with the Rock.

You had a one-off with the Rock?

Well, not the real Rock.

He's this electrician named Bruce.

He looks like the Rock,

so we all just call him the Rock.

Oh, yeah, this is an all-star crew.

We got a guy who looks like Nic Cage

and Pee Wee Herman, too.

Kim, dick department.

Let's hear it!

Mm-mmm, no dick this trip.

I got a man.

- How long have you had this boyfriend?

- About three months.

Who'd you steal him from?

Nobody!

Kim!

- Wha... what?

He totally had a girlfriend.

All of Kim's boyfriends start out

as somebody else's boyfriend.

I did not steal him!

I didn't steal any of them;

they just... jumped ship.

- So what's your story, Abernathy?

- Oh, Abbie's got the big Kahuna.

I had a set crush on Cecil.

Set crush? Nigga, please.

You were his set wife!

"Were" and "had" being

the key words, here.

B*tch, you two are still

into each other and you know it.

Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me,

why did he f*** Darryl Hannah's stand-in?

Yes, men are dogs.

Oh, it's so funny!

Oh, it's so funny!

Stop acting all hurt.

Your ass just mad.

Yeah, he's a stand-in f***er.

You need to get over that sh*t.

That was two weeks ago.

Oh, well, now you put it like that...

Oh, I haven't told you the best part.

He f***ed her on my birthday.

Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

- Thank you.

- Did he know it was your birthday?

I mean, he's the director.

He's kind of busy.

He ate a piece of my birthday cake,

and he got me a present.

- Wow.

- Yeah... I think he knew.

What did he get you?

He made me a tape.

He made you a tape?

Wait, he didn't burn you a CD?

He made you a tape?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that is so romantic!

Yes, I know what you 're gonna say,

so don't even go there.

This sounds like the test

of true love to me.

Look, I know you guys like him.

He's likeable.

But he f***ed another woman

on my birthday.

How can you not be on my side?

I admit, that sounds bad.

It is bad!

It just sounds like there's

a little more to it than that.

Were you two f***ing?

Hell, no.

Hello, is your name Abernathy?

Sorry.

The answer to your question

is no, of course not.

What do you mean "No, of course not"?

The reason Cecil hasn't had

a girlfriend in six years

is because girls will f*** him,

and if you f*** Cecil,

you don't become one

of his girlfriends...

not to say I want to be his girlfriend,

but if I did want to be his girlfriend,

if I f***ed him, I wouldn't be.

I'd be one of his regulars,

and I'm getting too f***in' old for that sh*t.

- Have you let him do anything?

- Yes!

I've let him give me a foot massage,

and when we go to the movies,

I've let him hold my hand.

B*tch, you might be actin'

like you 12 years old,

but he just acting like a man.

You need to break

that nigga off a piece.

Let me get this straight...

you 're not f***ing him,

you 're not sucking him,

you 're not giving him any tongue,

but Darryl Hannah's stand-in is?

Can we just take my sex life

off the table?

Actually, it was Cecil's sex life

that was on the table...

and your lack of one.

F*** both of you

and your little high-five.

Before you can claim a nigga,

you got to claim a nigga,

and you can start by giving

that motherf***er a hand job

in the back of the van

on Tuesday.

I'm not gonna do that!

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