Grindhouse Page #7

I know you won't!

But you know who will...

the b*tch that ends up living

in that big-ass mansion of his.

I haven't entirely agreed

with everything Kim's said,

but it is true if you 've stretched it out

like you have with Cecil

and you suddenly get dirty on them,

it blows their mind.

So Zo, Kim, and I are

in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

What were you working on?

- Three Kicks to the Head. Part Three.

And, admittedly,

we're a little f***ed up.

Cheers to that.

- Word.

Cheers.

So Zo...

the genius, wants to take

a picture of me.

It's dark as hell,

and you can't see sh*t.

So she's got her camera

and keeps saying, "Step back a little!"

So I do.

Then "A little fu -ther!"

So I step back a little fu -ther.

Then "A little more!" So I do.

Then I realize I'm at the edge

of a seven-foot concrete ditch...

...with God knows how many rocks

and broken bottles and rats in it,

and if I fell in that f***ing thing,

I probably would have broken my neck.

So I am yelling at her:

"Zo, you almost killed me!"

So we laugh about it

and walk a little further,

and Zo starts f***in' around.

And... bam! ...if she doesn't fall

in the f***ing ditch!

Nice.

Thank you. Yep. Thank you.

I remember taking a step

and looking down,

just as I'm thinking, "There's that ditch

Abbie was talking about."

Bam! I'm in the f***ing ditch, you know.

What happened?

What, with Zo, the cat?

Nothing.

If I fell in that f***in' thing, they would

have had to helicopter me out of there.

Zo just lands on her feet.

But then later I started feeling

a little bad about myself...

Zo falls in the ditch and it's nothing.

We're laughing about it.

If I fell in that f***ing thing,

I probably would have been paralyzed.

Oh, honey, you can't think like that.

We all have our individual talents,

and that just happens to be one of Zo's.

Well, physically speaking,

Zo is amazing.

I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness?

There's few human beings that can f***

with Zo on that front.

Kim, I like you too.

Having said that, before you get

too envious of Zo's prowess,

you 're missing the most

important part of that story.

You didn't fall in the ditch.

Zo did.

Zo even knew there was a ditch there

because you told her,

and she still fell in.

So Lee's right.

We all have our talents.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe?

Check it out, b*tch.

- Ooh, nice one, mate.

- I know this.

What's a Roscoe?

Roscoe's a pistol.

- You carry a gun?

- Uh-huh.

You have a license to carry?

Yeah, when I became a Secret Service

agent, they gave me a license.

Oh, I didn't know you were...

Okay, I didn't say it, all right?

Stop looking at me. God.

Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Yes. Now, do I approve? No.

Do I know? Yes.

Look, I don't know what

futuristic utopia you live in,

but the world I live in,

a b*tch need a gun.

You can't get around the fact

that people who carry guns

tend to get shot

more than people who don't.

And you can't get around the fact

that if I go down to the laundry room

at midnight enough times,

I might get my ass raped.

Don't do your laundry at midnight.

F*** that! I wanna do my laundry

whenever the f*** I want to.

There are other things you can carry

other than a gun. Pepper spray.

Uh, motherf***er trying to rape me,

I don't want to give him a skin rash.

I wanna shut that nigga down!

How about a knife, at least?

Yeah, you know what happens

to motherfuckers carry knives?

They get shot!

If I ever become a famous actress,

I won't carry a gun.

I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga and he'll

carry the gun, and when sh*t goes down,

I'll sit back and laugh,

but until that day, it's Wild West.

So Zo, you thought about

what you want to do first?

It just so happens

I know exactly what I want to do.

Oh, really?

And what would that be?

To me, there's no point in being in America

unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car.

I wanna drive a Dodge Challenger...

f*** me swinging, balls out.

Well, I guess we

could talk to Transpo,

but does it have to be

a Dodge Challenger?

Not just that. It has to be a 1970

Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.

How in the f***

do you expect to do that?

No worries, mate.

I've got it all worked out.

When I knew I was coming here,

I went online and found out

that the local paper here in Tennessee

is the Lebanon News Sentinel.

- So back home...

- I'm sorry, where's home? Australia?

What do you mean by that, mate?

Zo's from New Zealand,

and you never...

I repeat, never...

call a Kiwi an Aussie.

That is, unless

you want your ass kicked.

I'm so sorry. I will nev...

Oh, it's okay.

We're just taking the piss

out of you, mate.

Auckland, to answer your question.

Anyway, I subscribed

to the local paper a month ago.

Why the f*** you want a local redneck

newspaper in New Zealand?

Pipe down and I'll tell you.

I've been getting the paper

and checking the classifieds,

looking at cars for sale,

so as of yesterday,

for sale in this town,

some dude is selling

a stock 1970 Dodge Challenger

with a 440 engine and a white paint job.

And you wanna buy it?

Kim, I may be stupid,

but I'm not bloody stupid.

I wanna say I wanna buy it

so he'll let me test-drive it.

A 1970 Dodge Challenger

with a white paint job?

Oh, uh, Kowalski!

Kowalski from Vanishing Point.

Mate, it's a f***ing classic!

If I can get this guy

to let me drive it without him,

I will blow the doors off that b*tch.

What's Vanishing Point?

What's Vanishing Point?

Abs, I'm supposed

to be the illiterate one.

It's just one of the best

American movies ever made.

Actually, Zo, most girls

wouldn't know Vanishing Point.

Excuse me. Most girls?

What the f*** are you two?

Yeah, well, we're gearheads.

Of course we watched it.

Y'all grew up watching

that Pretty in Pink sh*t.

Oh, I liked Pretty in Pink.

What, so you didn't watch

John Hughes movies?

Of course I did. I'm a girl.

But I also watched car sh*t, too...

Vanishing Point. Dirty Mary Crazy Larry.

- Gone in 60 Seconds...

- Oh...

The real one, not that

Angelina Jolie bullshit.

We have an outdoor theater in Auckland

that plays Vanishing Point.

Big Wednesday. all the classics.

What do you horny gals want?

Yeah, you got

a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?

Right up here, ladies.

This sh*t is off the f***in' hook!

F***in' legendary, mate.

Sweet ass. Well, if you 'll excuse me,

I'd like to have a word with my associate.

You ladies take your time.

What are you waiting for?

Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.

I intend to, but first I need

to ask you something.

What?

If he lets us take it out on our own,

I wanna play Ship's Mast.

- Oh, hell, no!

- Keep it down!

Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast.

- For Chrissakes...

- Don't blaspheme.

Sorry.

Now, what did you say

after the last time?

- Look, I know what I said.

- What did you say?

- I know I said we shouldn't...

- No.

You didn't say we shouldn't.

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