Grindhouse Page #8

You said we ain't ever gonna do that again.

- But...

- But, my ass!

You said not only are we never

gonna play Ship's Mast again,

but you also said if you ever do

what you trying to do now,

to not only refuse, but that I had permission

to physically restrain your ass if necessary.

Now, did you or did you not say that?

No, no, no.

Answer the question, motherf***er.

- Did you or did you not say that?

- Yes, I said that.

- However...

- Whatever with your "however."

Look, I know I said it,

and I know I meant it...

Damn skippy you meant it!

But when I said it,

I didn't mean in America!

- Oh, nigga, please.

- For real. Really.

I meant we should never play Ship's Mast

again in New Zealand or Australia.

You are such a liar!

I know what I said, but when I said it

I didn't know I'd ever come to America,

and if I had of known

I was gonna come to America,

had the opportunity to play Ship's Mast

on the Vanishing Point Challenger...

I would have added a "however."

Right?

Okay, oddly enough,

I actually understood that.

However, just because

you talked yourself into some stupid sh*t

doesn't mean I have lost

my goddamn mind.

You need two people to play Ship's Mast,

and I ain't playing.

I'll be your best friend.

I don't need me no best friend

lives on the other side of Planet Earth.

I'll crack your back.

You 'll crack it anyway.

Well, of course I'll crack it anyway.

But now, while I'm here,

I'll be your back-cracking slave.

Whenever you want it, you 've got it.

You don't even have to ask.

You just order me to do it, just be like,

"B*tch, get over here and get busy."

You crack my back, give me foot massages,

and after a shower, you moisturize my butt.

Deal.

We're gonna see if this guy'll let us

take the car out without him.

If he does, you wait here with Lee

and we'll be back in a moment.

What?

- I said we're gonna see if this guy'll let...

- I heard what you said.

I just can't believe

what you said.

You two got some f***in' balls.

What?

Don't play dumbass with me.

I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk,

and I have a hangover.

I should be in my hotel room, asleep,

not f***in' around on Tobacco Road,

but because Zo wanted to drive

some Vanishing Point car, I'm here.

Now you two got the balls to ask me...

no, scratch that... tell me

I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad

while the cool kids get to go out and play?

Bullshit on that.

- It ain't like that.

- What's it like, Kim?

You guys are our collateral.

He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

I really think one human being

will be collateral enough.

You 're not gonna

want to do what we're doing.

What, drive a car?

We're doing more than that.

What, drive it fast?

We're doing more than that.

Actually, we're paying you a compliment,

'cause we gonna do some stupid sh*t.

But that's okay. We're stunt people.

We ain't got good sense.

But you got good sense,

and anybody with good sense

- ain't gonna want to do what we're doing.

- How do you know?

'Cause you 're a mum.

Yeah.

You know, we're supposed

to be this big posse,

but that's the excuse you guys use

whenever you want to exclude me,

so what is it you two daredevils are doing

that I'm just so uncool

I couldn't possibly understand?

You know, we're kind of conning this guy,

so maybe it's best if we don't go

into detail about it while he's watching us.

Besides...

he's probably not gonna

let us do it, anyway.

Okay, how about this?

I'll talk him into it,

but I go along.

- How you gonna do that?

- That's my problem.

But don't worry.

He'll say yes.

What are you gonna do, blow him?

No.

I'm gonna insinuate

that Lee's gonna blow him.

That's a good one.

Not really.

But let me handle it.

We got a deal?

Okay, Mama, listen up.

You wanna hang with the cool kids?

You got to be cool.

We take you along, you don't say sh*t.

You don't even say crap.

You just sit in the back, and I don't want

to hear a peep, you understand?

- Got it.

- I'm serious, now.

You start nagging us, we pulling over,

kicking you out, and picking you up later.

Agreed.

Okay. Go work your magic.

- Hello, sir.

- Hello.

- Hello, what's your name?

- Jasper.

Hello, Jasper, I'm Abernathy.

- Aber what?

- Abernathy.

- What's your first name?

- That is my first name.

- What kind of first name is that?

- Just call me Abbie.

Okay, Abbie.

Jasper, we were wondering

if my friends and I could take the car out

for a little test drive out on our own,

just to see if we're comfortable.

Why would I do something

stupid like that?

To better sell your automobile.

How do I know y'all ain't

just gonna steal it?

Four reasons, actually.

One, we're not thieves,

two, that would be rude,

three, we're staying

at the Days Inn in town...

you can call, check with management.

We're registered for the next month.

Actually, Zo's not, but Kim and I are,

so we're totally track-downable.

Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Yes. Kim would be the girl of color.

And reason number four...

and the most important:

while we're taking the car out

for a little spin,

that'll give you a better opportunity

to get acquainted with our other friend...

Lee.

Why does she look

kind of familiar?

That would be because

she's a famous actress.

Hmm.

Why's she dressed like that?

Well, you see, we're making

a Hollywood movie in town,

and it's a cheerleader movie,

and she's one of the cheerleaders.

What's a cheerleader movie?

A movie about cheerleaders.

Is it a porno movie?

Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.

Lee, this is Jasper.

Jasper, Lee.

Now, you two kids

stay out of trouble.

Hey, good-looking.

Be back to pick you up later.

Ta-ta!

Gulp.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I think I'm thinking it.

What are you and you thinking?

I'm thinking we told your ass

to shut the f*** up.

- Where y'all going?

- You stay put.

I gotta take a...

So, you ready to do this?

You sure?

Well, I always don't want to do it

right before I'm gonna do it.

I know what you mean,

'cause I don't wanna do it.

Kim!

- I'm just saying.

- If you 're gonna take the piss out of it...

I'm just saying.

You wanna start out on top?

Practically doesn't count

if you start on the top.

Here are your gloves.

No, no, no, no.

I'm wearing a jacket.

This is my jacket.

Um, ain't you supposed to be

my slave or some sh*t?

- Come on.

- I'm the one who's on the bonnet.

Bonnet, my ass.

You on the hood.

Y'all, I think I hear a car coming.

Give me your belt.

This is my cute sh*t.

F*** that. Get Abernathy's belt.

Fine, we'll use Abbie's belt.

- Give me your belt.

- No. Prada.

Come on, give her the belt.

- Magic word.

- Please give her the belt?

Just 'cause you asked nicely.

It's nice to be nice, Kim!

Whatever.

You know what?

Don't think about asking me to do your hair.

- Your ass gonna do it.

- You 'll ask "pretty please," b*tch,

because that's what you do when no one

else is looking. You ain't that hard.

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