Growing the Big One Page #4

All right,

all lines are opened.

888-555-4845.

All right, caller one,

you're on.

What do you want to tell us?

[Man]:
I have a question.

Wonderful. uh, s hoot.

[Man]:
how do I tell if

a mushroom is, like, poisonous?

[Emma]:
you know, I have, uh,

often asked myself

that very same thing, and...

Seems like

there's a lot of options.

[Man]:
I know.

And we're going to make,

like, soup.

No! no, no, no,

don't do that.

Not until you've consulted

a professional.

[Man]:
I thought you were

a professional.

Right, uh...

Okay, so,

in my professional opinion,

I would just throw

all of the mushrooms away

and go to the supermarket.

I recommend

mom's organic mushroom soup.

Very tasty, low sodium.

Okay, next caller.

Wh-what would you

like to share with us?

[Man #2]:
Uh, I don't know.

I have a question, though.

Another question.

Of course, okay.

What is it

you would like to know?

[Man]:

are dragonflies dangerous?

Just a moment...

[Man]:

are you looking it up?

[Man]:
yes, you are.

I can see you!

[Laughing]

Oh, busted!

No, i-I'm just checking

on the nitrogen content

of a new potting mix

that's about to hit the stores.

I mean, come on,

don't you people know

how to multi-task?

Okay, next caller.

Sorry, we'll have to deal with

organic mulch next time,

because our time is up.

All right, this is Emma silver,

reminding you

to smell the coffee,

drive carefully,

and, of course,

join us again on Monday.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable

how time flies by

when you're doing

such a fascinating show.

Bye!

[Sighs heavily]

[Cell phone rings]

Hello.

Well, that was a disaster

to rival

the sinking of the Titanic.

Who forced me to do

this stupid show.

Are you

going to quit?

Not in this lifetime!

Well, then, the only other

option you have

is to get better.

Fast.

I'll be listening on Monday.

[Insistent knocking]

Go away!

Oh, we'll go away...

[Tapping on glass]

Eventually.

[Laughing]

Girls...

Nice!

Hello...

Hi, hi, hi.

Aw, we heard

your broadcast.

Figured

you might need

a little cheering up,

and these are

just in case

our sparkling

personalities

don't do the job.

Should we

come back later?

Are you kidding?

The corkscrew's

in the kitchen drawer,

and the glasses

are on the top shelf.

All right, girl!

This farming stuff

isn't that hard.

[All laughing]

That's the last

of Walt's seeds.

Onto the growing lamps.

Follow me, girls.

[Laughing]

There...

Mm-hm.

So that's what

that thing is for.

[Laughing]

You want to

keep the soil

at 82 degrees.

You don't want

the seeds to dry out.

How do you know

all of this stuff?

Oh, Jeff grew

the damn things

till I put

my foot down.

He used to keep

the seeds in the bathtub

underneath

an electric blanket.

I couldn't even

bathe our own kid.

Oh, that's nothing.

Russell sold my car last year

so he could buy a forklift

to haul his pumpkins around.

Oh, Hank sleeps in the field

with his pumpkins,

arthritis and all.

Okay, that is just crazy.

The whole giant pumpkin thing

is an obsession.

Last year,

some maniac drilled a hole

into the champion

pumpkin,

stole the seeds.

Oh, pumpkins are

like thoroughbreds.

You have to write

the parents down.

Okay, this just gets

freakier and freakier.

[Laughing]

Mother nature never intended

for these puppies

to grow so big.

They are fragile!

They can grow 30,

40 pounds overnight.

One tiny little crack...

Blaam!

[Laughing]

It's all over.

But the cryin'!

[Shrieking

with laughter]

So are we done for now?

You'll wish we were.

We have to sing to them.

Excuse me?

It's what

your grandpa did.

It's pretty strange,

but it worked for him.

Uh, any particular song?

Yeah, afraid so.

Betty?

[Clears throat]

I'm a yankee doodle

dandy...

[All joining in]:

yankee doodle do or die

a real live nephew

of my uncle Sam

born on

the fourth of July...

Come on,

girl, sing!

I've got

a yankee doodle sweetheart

she's my yankee doodle joy

they can't

hear you!

Yankee doodle

went to London

just to ride the ponies

I am

a yankee doodle boy!

[Laughing]

[Emma]:
I cannot

thank you all enough.

I just wish

we could tell you more,

but, you know, our guys

are pretty tight-lipped

about their pumpkins.

The journal!

Oh, that's right!

What journal?

He carried it everywhere

during the season,

it had all of his

growing secrets in it.

Okay, what does it look like?

A brown book

with a soft

leather cover.

It's about, um,

this big,

and, honey,

it is filled with secrets.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

Your yankee

doodle serenade

is a YouTube sensation.

The website's had

over 100,000 hits already

in 12 hours.

The younger demo loves

that freaky giant

growing-pumpkin thing.

Oh, I totally forgot

about the webcams.

I'm going to build

an advertising campaign

around it.

You're doing what?

Yup, "Emma silver

grows the big one!"

I can see it on buses,

park benches,

magazines...

No, no, no, no,

let's just take a step back.

Now, make sure

the show focuses on the contest.

The world will be watching,

so you better win.

Ciao!

Great...

Oh, one more thing.

[Cell phone rings]

[Groans]:
oof, what?

It's too early for this.

You're going in the drawer.

That's it.

[Cell phone ringing]

Yes...

No, this can't be right...

[Chatting]

[Gasping]

You found

the journal.

Yup, that's the good news.

The bad news is,

I can't understand it.

What? why?

"She looks to the sun.

"Her skin is pale

those first days,

"but glows more strongly

with each ray."

It sounds

like poetry.

I know Walt

wrote poems.

"She is wind

and water.

Love her like

there is no other."

It's code.

Pumpkin

poetry code.

Walt did love his pumpkins.

He called them

his orange ladies.

Okay, how do I break

this pumpkin code?

I don't know.

Let me look?

"She is hungry for your kiss.

"Feed her

with the bounty

of your being."

I'd say that's about manure.

[Laughing]

It's divided into months,

so is that the key?

I have no idea.

So, that's Walt's famous

pumpkin Bible, huh?

What does it say

to do next?

She puts her bare feet

in the warm soil."

Sounds like

it might be time

to plant them

outside soon.

Yeah, maybe.

Thanks.

You're welcome,

but that is

the last free advice

you're going to get,

unless you would

like to partner up?

In case you

haven't noticed,

we don't exactly

get along that well.

Well, we don't have to,

to grow pumpkins.

I need to do this

on my own.

Okay, I hear you.

Although there are

certain things

that can be better

when you do them

with someone else.

We're talking

about pumpkins.

I'm talking

about pumpkins.

Unless...

You're not talking

about pumpkins.

So, folks,

thank you for your Patience

while we get

the kinks worked out,

and for following along

via webcam as...

Emma grows the big one.

Okay, as you can see,

my plants are doing great.

All right, let's go outside,

where I will be transplanting

my little plants

any day now,

somewhere right around...

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