Growing Up and Other Lies Page #7

You should kill Amelia Earhart

because there would

finally be a body. Oh.

And there would be closure.

Ah, that's a sweet story.

There'd be closure.

And then, you're gonna

marry no one, actually.

Because that one

was a trick question.

Because how do you know

someone well enough

to marry them? You don't.

Oh, yeah. I'd probably

sleep with all of them.

And then, maybe one

would die accidentally.

Thus solving two thirds of the problem.

- Oh, very nice.

- No, very daft.

Classy, Dad, classy.

But, wait, wait, wait.

Tell... Now, tell me.

It's how long, this walk?

The walk is 260 blocks.

Oh.

It's about 15 miles.

Oh, that's marvelous!

I'm envious.

You guys are on a walkabout?

It's just four guys

getting...

I wouldn't call it a...

It doesn't

have to be a walkabout.

No, I mean that in a good way.

I don't mean

to devalue... Look.

I'll plead my case for you.

Um...

Throughout time,

throughout history,

there has been...

Before man began...

Yes.

Right, okay.

Take it way back, to the beginning.

Um...

There's always been

something to signify

the mechanism of men going

from childhood to adulthood.

There's always been something.

There's been a trek, a hunt,

a whore, whatever it is,

there is this...

Or all three.

There we go, or... Now,

there's nothing. Right.

There's whores.

There's nothing.

What in this culture

signifies that

for men?

See, Billy, that's why

you're still a child.

You don't have that mechanism

that will make you

into an adult.

I had a Bar Mitzvah.

Bar mitzvah.

Okay. And for women

it's just, you know, it's...

There is, like,

an internal clock

there's something very

different for women.

It's biological.

I don't think that

not knowing how to grow up

or having difficulty with that.

Is that new

a concept, necessarily.

No, no. Also, I would...

Also I think that

saying that women mature better

than men is...

Whoa! I did not

say that.

- I was not saying...

- If I may,

perhaps the idea that we

ever grow up is flawed.

Adults, children,

children, adults.

We are all both, at once!

Mmm-hmm.

I would say, it feels good

to think otherwise.

But, just because you feel good,

does not make it so.

Huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Dan, your wisdom never ceases

to amaze, yet confuse me.

Hear, hear.

The more you drink, the smarter I get.

You know what?

I have a game.

I think everybody is

going to love this game.

I can't take credit

for this game.

It's not my game.

It's actually Jake's game!

Jake's game!

Jake came up with this.

This is all Jake.

A robber bursts into your home,

puts a gun to your head,

and says, "You have two options",

Hey, hey. Come on man, no.

"or I kill you."

Option number one.

You leave the city that you have

called your home for so long.

You have to leave it.

You can never return.

Or option two.

You can stay in

that city you love

but you have to stay in

a loveless relationship.

Someone who your friends,

everyone in your life,

knows this person

is bad for you.

Trying to shape you and mold you

into something that you are not.

So her only goal...

So sorry guys.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

That was on me.

That was on me.

There's a bathroom upstairs.

Are you serious?

I was just, I'm looking for

the bathroom, and your room

snuck up on me.

The panty drawer's in there.

The panty drawer?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

What I was trying to

say to you before

just so you understand,

is it's not that women

necessarily grow up

better than men.

It's just that, their path

to adulthood is... Different.

I don't give a sh*t and

I was just being contrary.

Hmm.

So this is the room then, huh?

This is.

This is my childhood bedroom.

It is exactly the way I left it.

That's nice.

Mine's pretty much the same.

It's got a treadmill in it now.

Yeah.

I don't want to freak you out, but there's

six enormous faces looking at us.

Who are they?

What's their story?

- You know what?

- They seem...

I have...

A story for you.

Just doesn't make sense.

I mean, I lied repeatedly and

then directly to Mr. Kim's face,

and then, nothing.

It's funny. I don't remember inquiring

about you, in any kind of way.

It's just unsettling.

That's, that's the word

that I would use.

Fine, I'll bite.

Billy, you got away with it.

What's the big deal?

It's just that

the universe has an order.

Your transgressions

must be punished.

Without that order,

there's... Chaos.

You really are a

simple, simple boy.

Have you seen her?

Huh?

- Tabatha. Have you seen her?

- No.

A**hole. You don't care.

Neither of you care.

What are you even doing here? I asked

you not to... I begged you not to come.

You. You! That stunt you

pulled at dinner, come on man.

I'm going through an

existential crisis here.

You can't go... Whoa, whoa.

Slow down.

You are not going through

an existential crisis.

An existential crisis means that your whole

existence is being called into question.

What you're dealing with,

are transitional issues.

Is that really what

existential means?

Yes.

Oh.

You don't have to yell at me.

I didn't yell at you.

That was yelling.

So for my birthday, my

dad bought me Mmm-hmm.

A Holga camera.

It was my first camera ever.

And, this photograph was taken

the first time that I ever

heard my parents having sex.

Okay.

I heard all these sounds and...

I knew it was significant

so I ran back and I got my

camera and I got a tripod.

And I stood outside and I

faced away from the door.

And I looked

and I took the picture.

What a weirdo. What a weirdo.

I know.

I know, right.

And you would

not, not frame that

and put it on your wall

because...

It's a keeper, and you

put it up on your wall.

I didn't frame it.

Well, it's in a frame.

I know, they framed it.

They framed it.

They framed it.

Yeah.

So sick.

And did you tell them

honestly what it is.

Do they know what they framed?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to know, either.

God! I'm worried

about her.

Maybe she's got diarrhea.

You know, sometimes when she

drinks too much coffee,

her stomach can get a little...

How about this one?

A robber shoots you in the head.

Says, "Sophie's Choice."

"Play chess with the dog

or scrabble with the cat."

Hmm.

I don't think you understand

how this game is played.

Oh!

I'm gonna get some scotch.

I'm gonna take a sh*t.

You know, Jake,

you're a good egg.

Well, that is true, sir.

You know what you should do?

Marry my daughter, have babies

and name one after me.

Ow.

Oh, boy.

Wine stain?

Yeah. Let's not go down...

This really...

That's really quite a mess.

That's quite unfortunate.

Looking for...

Oh, I could get you a shirt.

I need to borrow a...

Back, back under the

mattress where it belongs.

A thoroughly bad choice...

I don't know why...

I've...

Tabatha...

Here's your picture.

Can you...

I'm so.

That's my fault.

I'm sorry.

One, have a threesome

with a couple twice your age

or two, masturbate in front

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