Growing Up and Other Lies Page #6

Bunch of a**holes!

Anyway, boys' breakfast

turns into couples' brunch,

which eventually

becomes birthday parties.

Completely elaborate, unnecessarily

complicated birthday parties

at which I am dressed

as a pirate.

And somebody's gotta

take you to breakfast.

I haven't had pancakes

in eight years.

I'll make you pancakes.

Sh*t!

What? I'm doing it now. Now.

You're doing it now?

Dad!

Yes, I... I'm getting

the dessert.

What do you mean, what

have I been doing?

I'm... I've been

playing with children!

Now!

Ricky, not now.

Ricky, that's enough. Now!

Before the party

that I organized...

Dad!

I planned this!

Oh. Okay.

Guys, I need to tell you something.

Oh, look who it is!

Jake, it's my partner.

You know the guy

I've been lying to all day

so that we could go out

and have an adventure,

that guy, remember that?

Yeah, I do.

Unconscionable.

Yeah, I know, I got the files.

You know what, I'm actually

on my way to the

doctor's right now.

He's gotta go. F*** you! Oh.

Gunderson, what the f***!

- What the f***!

- "What the f***!"

This... No, this is not a joke, okay?

This is my job.

Oh, it's not a joke? No.

Is this a f***ing joke, "This

is a Tattoo?" All right, guys.

You know what,

I told you before that

- I didn't know that you got a tattoo.

- Okay.

Oh, you didn't

know I got a tattoo. Guys.

That is correct. For one

second, if I could just...

And anyway mine

is completely different.

Rocks.

What? Just leave me out.

What... Rocks!

Yeah, fine.

He knew.

Rocks!

When he found out about your

"This is not a Tattoo" tattoo,

he decided it'd be ironic

if he got a "This is

a Tattoo" tattoo.

It doesn't matter.

Who cares?

That's not ironic, you imbecile.

Yeah, it is!

No, it's not!

You have a tattoo

that says it's a tattoo.

That's the exact opposite

of what "ironic" means!

Yeah, but that

is the ironic part.

No, it's not. Yes, that's

what I was going for.

You're a f***ing idiot.

F***ing stop it, okay?

Gunderson, you are a

sh*t-face, you know that?

You're an inconsiderate

sh*t pile!

All right.

You know what?

You know what?

I wish that I let your stuff

burn up in that room.

You f***ing...

Ow!

Cut it out, guys.

You son of a...

So civil.

What are you doing?

Stop. Enough. Billy!

Leave him alone! Get off of him!

I will pummel you!

All right. Fine! It was me!

All right, it was me!

I did it.

Not Gunderson, me.

It was me!

Stop it!

It wasn't Gunderson!

I ruined your stuff!

All right?

I destroyed your

stuff, all right? I'm sorry.

It's true. It wasn't me.

I was hammered.

I mean...

I was sh*t-faced and I

thought it'd be funny.

I had no idea

that the foam

in those extinguishers

cause so much damage.

I thought they were...

What?

Gunderson wasn't even with me.

You just immediately

assumed it was him.

I got to say,

I admired your work

and was happy

to take credit for it.

I can't believe you took

the blame this whole time.

It was dick thing to do, Billy.

I should've told you sooner

and I will totally pay

you back for everything

that was damaged, with interest.

Wow, feels good.

That actually feels good.

It's a relief.

Dragging that

around for so long.

It's good. It's nice...

Nice feeling.

There's one other thing

I need to tell you.

About the walk.

And Tabatha

Guys, no offense,

but, you're

not invited, all right?

I need to do this on my own.

Damn it, that's broken.

Let the record show

that I'm no longer in this

to keep Jake in New York.

Excuse me? You're trying

to keep me in New York?

Well, it was. Now, I

just wanna make sure

that you and Tabatha

never get back together.

Are you f***ing with me?

You're trying to break

Tabatha and me up?

You guys aren't together now.

Not current... You know what

I mean, for crying out loud.

You guys are awful together.

You're worse

than Heathcliff and Cathy.

I was always more of a

Garfield man myself.

I'm just looking out for you.

You don't need to look out.

I can look after my...

You know what,

I had the stupid idea

that maybe you'd be

happy for me. God, stupid.

I was happy for you, Jake,

when I thought we're gonna

be out adventuring.

All right. Why don't we just

meet up with each other

in a couple of hours and

grab a drink then, huh?

How's that sound? Rocks,

drinks in a couple of hours?

No? He's drunk.

What's your big plan anyway?

Aren't you leaving tomorrow?

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe we'll

do a long-distance thing.

Maybe I won't

leave, I don't know.

Really? Seriously?

It's possible.

I don't know, Billy!

I just know that

I've never been happier

than I was when I was with her.

That is not true, all right?

Life sucked back then

and it sucks now.

Deal with it.

You know what, I didn't want

to have to do this, but you...

You leave me

no choice. All right?

Oh, come on!

I'm on your tail! F***'s sake!

Guys, guys, guys!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay, okay, fine.

You can come,

but for f***'s sake,

just please, please,

behave yourselves.

Who you're talking to?

Of course, we will.

Yeah.

And we're gonna

need to bring wine.

And you're paying.

Okay. Well, we are

near my office.

There's a place a

couple of blocks down

that we've got

an expense account.

Great.

I need a cupcake.

Just real quick.

The... I know the fire

extinguisher debacle was Jake,

but I'm still gonna blame you.

Impressive, and I accept.

- Come on, Jake, just one.

- No.

- Please! Jake.

- No.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake,

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

Real quick.

Ugh...

Fine. All right. A robber

walks into your house,

puts a gun to your head,

he says Sophie's Choice.

Option one is

you have to gain and lose

30 pounds every month

for the rest of your life, or...

Oh.

Or option two,

you could stop making him

play this stupid game.

Gunderson, will you just

shut the f*** up? Billy?

Mr. Kim.

Larry, please.

How are you feeling?

Not good.

I am coughing up blood.

Oh, dear, really?

No. No.

I don't know

why I just said that.

I see.

Yeah. No, I just...

I just... You know.

I thought I'd pick up a wine

on my way to the doctor.

It's not exactly on the way.

No, it is not.

That's true.

And my friends are here, too.

We're not his friends.

You know, I just wanted to...

Wanted to pick up a bottle,

little something

to wet the palette.

It's just a little parched.

Next time,

you wanna spend the day

horsing around

with your friends...

Oh, Mr. Kim, that's...

I get it.

I do. Just...

Next time tell me the truth.

Okay?

Nailed it.

Congratulations, you got

away with it.

What the hell, I mean, was that?

I mean, is he serious?

He seems perfect.

Hey, where is Jake?

Bumblebees.

Surprise!

- Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Hey.

What are you doing

here? Please, no.

For me? Thank you.

Hi. GUNDERSON:

These are for you.

Hey! Oh! Hey, good to see you.

Hey.

Tab, hey, hey.

Thank you. What?

Here's the answer.

You sleep with Helen Keller

because of the heightened

sense of touch.

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