Grumpier Old Men Page #4

than to see you tying the knot.

Thanks.

And it means a great deal

to me to be a part of it.

I'm proud of you.

Studying up on your ltalian?

Thinking of wooing Maria?

No, I'm going to curse at her in

her own language, that's all.

I think she's a lesbian anyway.

How would you know?

You've never seen a lesbian.

Did, too. Saw them on Geraldo.

Say what you will. I think

you got the hots for her.

Not in a million years. She's

just a pigheaded ltalian witch...

... with piss and vinegar

running through her veins.

He's in love.

O, sole mio.

Ariel, bon giorno.

Oh, buon giorno. Lei parla italiano

molto bene, signor.

Grazias, fraulein.

Where're you off to?

Sven saw Catfish Hunter at lndian Slough.

Thought I'd go look.

Oh, yah, where's Tweedledum?

Tweedledum? Oh, John, John...

Tweedledum...

... I don't know.

You don't know? He didn't

spend the night here?

No, last night he said he was going

to Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.

You mean to tell me he didn't come home?

He's alive.

Take these.

What happened?

You passed out.

I didn't think you should drive home.

I feel like a polka band

is playing in my head.

You'll feel better after a hot shower.

But I don't really need a hot shower.

What if he had an accident?

The only accident he's going

to have is when I see him.

I'm sure there's a logical

explanation for all this.

It must be nice, living in never-never land.

Maybe I'll visit you sometime

when I need a break from reality.

Step on it.

He's going to explain everything...

... and I'll listen carefully...

... and then I'm gonna kill him.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Where is he?

We know he's in here! Where is he?

- Don't try to deny it!

You don't understand.

I want to talk to him now.

Well, let me explain!

What's going on here?

Nothing happened.

Where's John?

Wait a minute!

How could you?

This isn't what it looks like.

Gustafson, you're doing it again!

What are you talking about?

First it was May! Then it was Ariel!

And now it's Maria!

Watch that damn thing.

You said you hated Maria.

That's not the point!

You're the one who said

I should apologize.

Apologize, yes. Not sleep with her.

There is a difference.

Do you think I had sex

with your husband?

You sure weren't having

sex with me.

Why should I have sex with you?

You just said you hated me!

He said I hated you!

I never said I hated you!

Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!

So now I'm supposed to have

sex with you instead of him!

So you admit you slept

with my husband!

Nobody slept with anybody.

Finalmente!

Speak for yourself.

Geez... I had a little too much

to drink last night.

Sure. Blame it on the booze.

You think that's an acceptable

excuse for what you did?

Are you gonna let me finish?

Ferme tutti!

I know my Maria. She don't want

nothing to do with that man.

How do you know that?

Because!

She wants that man!

Me?

What do you want with me?

Preferisco bacciare il culo di un alce.

I'd rather kiss a moose's butt!

What is that suppose to mean?

"I'd rather kiss a dead

moose's butt! "

So, I'll call you?

Three tiers like this.

The lemon cake with the white frosting

and the yellow flowers. You like?

It's perfect, Lina.

It's exactly what we wanted.

And now...

... for the big surprise.

What surprise?

We don't want surprises.

John thought of this one all by himself.

The groom goes here.

And the bride...

... goes on top, like this.

And then this goes here.

And then on top of the

cake, in the frosting...

... we spell out:

"Melanie has landed

herself another husband."

This is not good.

Maria

I just met a girl

named Maria...

And suddenly I see...

... she's not the b*tch...

... I thought she'd be...

Ox.

Nag.

I didn't know you

were a fisherman.

There's a lot you don't

know about me.

Any luck?

Holy moly!

I showed you mine,

now you show me yours.

You mean the fish.

O, com' piccolo!

So tiny!

It ain't the size that matters.

Are we still talking about your fish?

Very funny.

You know, Maria...

I've lived here all my life.

Nobody knows about this place any

more than I do. I know everything.

I could take you around sometime...

... if you would like it.

Are you asking me on a date?

Hell, no.

But if I were, and I'm not, mind you!

What would you say?

If I were to accept, and

I'm not saying I would....

Because I haven't asked you.

I would say....

What would you say?

Maybe.

Maybe? What kind of

an answer is "Maybe"?

Maybe's maybe.

Then maybe I'll stop by

at 7:
00 tonight.

Maybe I'll cook something

nice for you in the kitchen.

I'll see you then.

Maybe.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Whatever that means.

What do you think, mama?

Mi piacce quello.

- Ti piacce questo?

Don't you think it would

make me look fat?

You should be so picky.

He's got the face of a mackerel.

Antonio, the face of an

angel and look where he got me.

How many times do you have

to get your heart broken?

Max is different, mama.

He makes me laugh.

I don't like this. Not one bit.

But it's just a date. I'm not marrying him.

Not yet.

"Not yet."

Mama, ey...

Are you sure you like

the white better?

S!

- "S!"

Definitely the blue.

Oh, boy, I'm a little nervous.

Oh, come on.

Just be yourself. You'll be fine.

Why don't you pick up a bottle of wine

on the way? She'll appreciate it.

Check.

And don't forget. Compliment

her on how great she looks.

Already got that covered.

- Let me hear it.

Maria, there may be lots

of fish in the sea...

... but you're the only one I would

like to mount over my fireplace.

That's not...bad.

You notice the sexual innuendo?

I did.

Subliminal messages.

It's how you get people to do what

you want without them knowing it.

Where'd you learn that?

- Geraldo.

Oh, boy.

Very nice.

I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop.

Had all the seats refinished.

It's authentic imitation leather.

Go get them, tiger.

You got nothing to worry about.

He's doomed.

There are many fish

in the sea, Maria...

... but you're the only one

I want to mount over my fireplace.

You're the only one....

Holy moly.

Good evening, Maria.

Good evening.

You look nice.

Thank you.

I just want to say....

What I'm trying to say is....

There are many women

floating in the river...

... but you're the only

one I want to stuff...

... and stick over...

... on my wall...

... over the fireplace.

Thank you so much.

Would you like to come in?

Please.

I didn't say it right.

I've never seen wine that

comes from a box before.

It's pretty fancy, huh?

Look, it's even got it's own tap.

Look at this. Here. You got it?

Madonna!

S, s, s, s.

It's real wine.

-That's great.

So, how do you like the old place?

It's changed.

Is that good or bad?

It's the worst.

I hate change.

Why?

Things never change

for the better.

Change brought me

here to Wabasha.

Are you saying you

wish I hadn't come?

Is that a trick question?

You see?

Now the weather

has changed.

So much for dining alfresco.

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