Grumpier Old Men Page #5

Holy moly.

I'm all wet.

It's really coming down.

You know, the night

crawlers'll be out soon.

What's a night crawler?

What are you, a communist?

No...

Night crawler's the king of all worms.

They come out at night,

after the rain, to lay out across the grass.

Breathe the night air.

This restaurant is sitting on top of

one of the biggest and best worm beds...

in all of Wabasha County.

You can imagine my excitement.

Honey, stop worrying.

Max will be just fine.

I hope so.

I may have given him

some bad advice earlier.

What'd you say?

I told him....

I told him...

... to just be himself.

You said what?

Don't shine the light on them.

They zip back into their holes.

So I should....

Like this?

Up, down. Yeah.

You know...

... that worms have both...

... male and female sexual organs?

No, I didn't know that.

It's true.

You know a lot about worms, Max.

I don't know that much.

You do.

Every once in a while I pick up a tip.

That's it. Good.

There's one.

There.

Quietly now.

What should I do?

- Tiptoe over.

And then suddenly,

reach down and grab him.

When you get near him, grab him.

You all right, Maria?

You scared every worm away

for a radius of five miles.

I'm sorry.

What?

You have a very beautiful smile.

Would it be all right if I kissed you?

Yes.

I haven't been with a man for a long time.

Me neither.

Be gentle.

Mamma mia.

Holy moly.

Morning, Mr. Gustafson.

I don't believe it.

You and that beautiful lady?

I am the thief of hearts.

I am the gangster of love.

Tell me, was it more

of a holdup than a stickup?

Never mind that.

Even your infantile penis jokes seem

charming and witty this morning, sir.

Okay, Lothario, we got to get to

the Oktoberfest to meet the kids.

Asa munu kuku lulu.

I think I liked you better

before you were getting any.

Hi, dear.

- Hi, dad.

What's going on?

We got a surprise for you.

No more surprises.

Attention!

In just eight days...

... these two happy kids

will be husband and wife!

My dear friends...

Max and John...

... have asked me...

... Handsome Hans...

... to be their music man!

Let's celebrate the young lovers'

nuptials with the Chicken Polka!

Come on, you're gonna love this.

I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Another one of your

father's great ideas.

Your father booked

our reception hall.

Handsome Hans will fit right

in at Slippery's Bar.

It's a tavern.

This is a mistake.

Right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.

That's not what I meant.

I want to get married.

If you're not sure, tell me.

I'm just not sure.

You tell me this now?

We're a week away from the wedding.

Jacob, I love you.

You just don't want to marry me.

No, that's not it!

I think we should take our time.

I've been taking my time. How does

waiting since the second grade grab you?

Would you stop it!

It's like you are

already married.

Polka!

Honey.

I know what I'm talking about.

Really? Then how come you're

the one that's divorced?

Honey?

The wedding's off.

What do you mean?

We already paid for everything!

Honey?

What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you.

Your daughter got cold feet.

My ass. Your son insulted her.

Everything he said was true.

Maybe she can't handle the truth!

She can't? What is the truth, Max?

Her first marriage was a flop.

That was Mike's fault. You know that.

She couldn't keep Mike happy.

How can she keep Jacob happy?

That's a lousy thing....

My daughter wouldn't marry your son

if he was the last man in Wabasha.

Fine with me. I was against

the whole thing from the start.

That goes double for me.

Then it's off!

Everything is off!

The wedding is off and

the friendship is off.

And the gloves are off.

Let the games begin.

Come on, baby.

Come to Papa.

Yes, that a boy.

That's it.

What the hell is....

Oh, damn you, Goldman!

What a putz.

Here's your card.

That's it for you?

- That'll do it.

Have a nice day.

Thanks. Same to you.

Max!

You, bastard!

You dance very well.

Thank you.

I got this for you.

Hope you don't mind.

It's a cubic zirconia.

Got it from the Home

Shopping Network.

It's so beautiful.

Let me help you.

See how it looks?

Just put that like that.

You don't like it?

No, it's beautiful. It's just....

Just what?

I don't know.

Things are moving so fast.

What's wrong with fast?

I like fast.

I didn't plan on meeting somebody

like you when I came to Wabasha.

But you're happy, huh?

Yes, but that is

what worries me.

What do you mean?

I don't know what I'm talking about.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you, Max.

Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.

Get out of there.

Holy moly.

You just...

... kissed your ninth

life goodbye, Slick!

This one is very sweet.

That one, with the big tongue

and brown eyes, is great.

This one?

This one?

Yes, one eye.

No nuts.

You mean Lucky.

You don't want him.

I'll take him.

Here, Lucky.

He's cute.

Good morning, Slick.

What a nice kitty cat.

Yes, you are.

And I see you've crapped

on my newspaper again.

Would you like to make a

new friend this morning?

Lucky!

Kill Slick!

Lucky!

Kill Slick!

Everything's under control.

How do you like that, you putz?

Why you dirty....

I'll kill you.

You ruined my refinished seats.

You broadcast my naked

ass to half of Wabasha!

Big deal! Take that, you vandal!

You nearly killed my cat!

That mangy animal's been

crapping on my paper for years!

Give me that pole!

That pole?

That's it.

If my dog was as ugly as you...

I'd shave his ass and

teach him to walk backwards!

That trick doesn't work with me.

Time out. Where are you going?

Home. You can call me when

this stupid war is over!

She left me.

Are you surprised?

There we are.

So good.

Now...

... you wanna put in...

... just a pinch of salt.

Damn it.

But not too much.

Now you tell me.

Not too salty.

Shut up.

There we are. Add some garnish here.

Time to look at the birds.

The bird.

Fire!

Fire!

I got a fire here!

Absolutely perfect. Anybody

can make these. It's simple.

What're you doing?

I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner...

... for Maria.

Look at this.

- She'll be impressed.

Tell her it's Cajun.

And what do you call this?

Haven't decided.

But I'm leaning toward "Mystery Stew."

Is that right?

Not to be a pessimist,

but maybe you need a backup plan.

What else can you make?

Jelly sandwiches.

- Get cracking.

I used to love jelly

sandwiches with peanut butter.

You did, too, when you were a kid.

Go over and tell her you're sorry.

I tried to. She won't even talk to me.

Not that I blame her.

You spend too much time

with this Max Goldman.

I like him, mama. A lot.

He'll break your heart, like the others.

No, this time it's different.

You said Fernando was different,

and look what happened.

I was a girl, mama!

And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.

That was a long time ago.

Marcello, the womanizer,

was not that long ago.

I'm not listening.

And next came Carlo, the con man.

Are you finished?

- I wish I were!

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