Guest iin London Page #7

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- Your boss. Hello.

- Go on. Kaalia boss...everything okay. This is uncle speaking.

- Uncle! I forgot to say few

words in your praise. Can I say it now

- Okay-okay-okay. Just a second, uncle. Guys, please get up..get up. Today is a proud day for SD. The old man who insulted

me in the party yesterday. He wants to say a

few words in my praise. I'll put him on speaker. Yes, uncle. Speak now. I thought you're a decent guy.. "But, you turned

out to be a backstabber. People slogged day and night for you.. "But you turned

out to be a hypocrite. What?

- I thought you'll give us respect. But didn't know you'll sc us too. If you've any shame left,

think about the promises you made.. ...you bloody rascal. Hey.. You're the devil's son,

donkey's nephew. The result of your parent's mistake.

- Have you lost your mind? Bloody lizard's egg,

dog's ghost, you bloody" Uncle, I will kill you.

- You bloody, conniving, crafty little" Shut, up!

- Bless you! He quit his job. No, l.. Anyway, who wants to

keep slogging in a job. Someday I'll start

my own software company. I'll do something soon. I'll definitely do something. Why quit your job if

you wanted another one? I didn't quit, they fired me. Are you regretting it now No, but" I could've handled

the situation better. What uncle did was right. But like any typical Indian,

even I butted heads with that Kaalia. But that's what I love about you. No, but"

- What but? Would you still be saying 'but',

if someone had treated me that way? I would've broken his butt"

- I see. But I don't believe you. So don't, but what's in this coffee? Viagra.

- Huh! Well, you don't do anything normally,

I thought maybe this might help. You know what.

- What? It's working.

- Really. What's she doing here?

- What" Aunty.

- Aunty. Aunty. Uncle..

- Kake.. Listen, Kake. Did your aunt come here? There she is. She was walking in her sleep again. Guddi. Guddi. She's asleep. Let her sleep. I'll close the door otherwise she

will start walking in her sleep again. Haroon..the pride of Pakistan. Target Pakistan. Soon you'll teach your father how

to sneak into your neighbor's home. So many clothes" I don't get it. Brother..what's this? Actually, I brought him here for you. Okay? - His mother,

my wife, she's out working. And you need someone

to take care of Haroon. Allah, you're so smart.

- Yes" This is his pacifier and his bottle. And..

- We do have milk. I am embarrassed. Haroon. Father's going out

to get some meat for you. And we'll have a feast later. May Allah give you salvation soon. He's like little Lord Krishna.

Just his complexions bit off. It's alright.

I'll make you fair today. First, I'll massage you

properly with oil. And then" Oh, my child. Did anyone give Haroon

massage like this? I wish your mother had

and bathed you properly. Then even you would've looked

pretty like these foreigners. I'll bathe you with cream. Isn't it? See.. See.. Oh my, God. What is she doing? Come on..

- No point in crying. Hello, 999.. Please, there's a

lady outside my house" ...and she's killing this baby. She must be a baby killer. See..

- Oh my, God. Haroon's getting a massage.

- Oh my, God. Stop it.

- Put the baby down. Stop it. Stop it.

- Why? What happened? Freeze. Stop..put the baby down. Stand back. Stand back. Give me the baby. I still have to massage him. Later I'll bathe him with cream.

Isn't it, Haroon? Give me the baby. How can I give you someone's baby? Don't you have your own kids? Can you speak English?

- English? Yes-yes-yes" Good morning..good evening.. Bye.. Okay, tata.." Stand back. Stand back.

- What happened? Give me the baby or I will shoot you. Oh, God. He'll shoot me. Come on, Haroon.

- Don't try to hide. You're surrounded

by Metropolitan Police. But what have I done?

- What is happening? Give me the baby now. Baby killer.

- Baby killer. She is trying to kill your baby.

- My baby. Aunty, they are saying

that you will kill her baby. Kill, me..

- Get back. Get back. Give me the baby or I will shoot. Shoot this woman, please. Give me my baby. What happened?

- Give me my baby, please. What happened?

Did West Indies lose a match again? Brother"

- Haroon. Please explain them.

- Yes..l give it to her. You gave her the baby.

- Yes. I will kill you.

I will kill you. I will kill you. I will kill you.

- Stop it. I will shoot you.

- Hey, it's okay. Kake.. I will shoot you.

- No-no-no.. Officer, wait. Stop-stop, don't shoot.

What happened? She's a baby killer,

she's been trying to kill her baby. Yes"

- No-no-no. Aunty, what are they saying? Dear, I was only giving him

a massage because he was crying. Aunty..

- He was crying. Hold on..first give me the baby. It's very cold. It's cold. Here's your baby.

Alright. Alright. The baby's with her. No baby. One second. Officer, one second. One second. I think there's

some sort of confusion. She was only giving

the baby a massage. That was an Indian style massage. A massage?

- Holding the baby like this? What does like this mean? Dear..it's good for breathing. She was doing that because

it helps the baby breathe. And digest. It's just an Indian style massage. You gotta be kidding me. Sorry.

- I don't believe it. I am sorry.

- Massage. Sorry..

' YOu! See..see, brother.

He's sleeping so soundly. Yes, exactly. I'll massage him every day.

- No! No more massages. Let's go home,

and you go to your home. You go, we come. Crazy. Relax..aunt only gave him a massage,

not murder the baby. It was murder.. Who massages the baby like that? That woman could've sued us. That's how children

are massaged in Punjab. And children grow up to be strong. In fact, you should let

aunty massage your kids too. Are they going to stay

here until we have kids? Seems like that. You know what, did you see my trimmer. I have to shave. You're worried about your

trimmer and I can't find my jeans. I wonder where's my trimmer" Uncle, what are you

doing with my trimmer? Cleaning my arm pits. But it's for shaving. So I am shaving my underarms. There we go.. I am done. You do it. What will I do with this now Why? Get a shave..like me. No. Uncle..do you like it? Yes"

- Keep it. You want me to keep it. Guddi.

- Yes. See Guddi.. Kake just gave rne an imported gift. See..

- Wow, son, thank you. Son, here are the clothes?

- Clothes? Daughter-in-law's jeans were torn.

So I stitched it up. Stitched it?

- Yes, dear. She will be really happy. See..she's jumping with joy. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday Mehta uncle. Forget the cake..

- You eat first" ...have these sweets instead Have sweets. Have sweets. Here.. Smells like I am in Punjab. Wow. It's not the fragrance of Punjab. Uncle's silently farting. What? Sorry..he's got indigestion. No need to say sorry. He only farted,

not like he set-off a bomb. See Guddi, we've inherited

farting from our elders. Forget it.. Don't feel ashamed if you farted. Only the one's who

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