Hail the Conquering Hero Page #10

I mean to say, why did he have to

come back at a moment like this?

I mean to say,

if he had to come back,

why couldn't he have come back

after the election?

I mean to say, I don't want to

sound unpatriotic or anything,

but a man like that

belongs in Guadeloupe.

Guadalcanal.

Guadalcanal.

I mean to say,

in a war like this,

every man must do

what he does best,

and what he does best,

he does in Guadalcanal.

Save your voice, Evvy.

Huh?

I mean to say, a boy

like that needs exercise

and violent physical conflict

to keep him fit.

Why, he'll be lost in a town like

this. The quiet will kill him.

Save your throat, Evvy.

You don't have to persuade me.

What I'm trying to say is... I

know what you're trying to say.

I've been listening to you

long enough.

Do you always eat backwards?

Huh?

I mean to say, I don't even

think he wants to be mayor.

Well, what does that mean?

Everybody wants to be mayor.

That's human nature.

Everybody but me. With

me it's just civic pride.

Why don't you look

what you're doing?

I mean to say, soldiers coming

back at moments like this

can upset a political balance

that has taken years to adjust.

You're telling me.

I mean to say, they...

They take on an importance that

completely overshadows the...

I mean to say,

if you took

the seats I'm building for the Army

and the Navy and the Marine Corps

and sat them side by side,

they'd probably stretch from

here to the shores of Tripoli,

but I can't wear one around my neck or

pin it on my bosom with a purple ribbon.

Save your voice, Evvy.

You notice they don't bring MacArthur

back on the eve of a national election.

I wonder if he really

is a hero?

Who, MacArthur?

Why, certainly he's a hero.

They're all heroes.

And if I didn't happen to have got stuck in

the Quartermaster Corps during the last war,

I'd probably have more stuff on me

than you could hang on a Christmas tree.

I was talking about Woodrow.

How do you know he's a hero?

Because I saw the things...

That don't make it official.

What are you talking about?

Don't go chasing moonbeams!

There's some things you have to

accept on faith... Value... Face value.

And one of them is a hero. You

can't ask him for his union card.

Then why do you suppose

he took off his uniform?

That ain't natural.

Because he's home. Because he's been

dismissed, or whatever you call it.

What for?

How do I know what for?

Maybe he has corns or bunions.

How do I know?

It ain't natural to take off

a uniform in wartime.

It's just

the other way around.

What are you doing there,

anyway? Get me Western Union.

I'm gonna wire the Marine base in San

Diego and check up on our local hero.

What's the matter with you? Are you

trying to kill me politically forever?

Save your voice, Evvy. You leave

me out of this, you understand?

I don't want to be mixed

up in this in any shape,

form, connection

or even by innuendo.

I'm waiting for

Western Union.

If you do this, it's completely

at your own risk and peril.

I challenge

his fitness as mayor,

but the one thing that I do

not challenge, question or doubt

is the fact

that he is a hero.

I want that definitely...

Shut up, will you?

I will not shut up.

Hello, Western Union?

Give me that. I won't...

I want to send a night letter.

They're coming through

the palm trees.

Here they come.

Save each other.

There's hundreds of them.

Can't you see them?

There's thousands of them!

Fix bayonets. Man the guns.

Here they come, boys. Commence

firing! Follow me. Charge!

What's the matter? Oh, I don't

know. I guess I had a nightmare.

You're lucky.

Huh?

You're lucky you don't have

them all the time like some guys.

You want some more hot milk

or something?

I'll be all right.

You gonna stay there

all night?

I don't care much about

sleeping at night.

What's the matter now?

I'm all right.

Was you looking for something?

I got it! Oh, boy!

I've got it! Everything's all right.

It came to me with the sunrise.

Oh, boy.

Get set, get ready,

on your marks. Oh, boy.

Hot diggity.

Thank you, ma'am.

They go down a little easier with

some butter on them, Mrs. Truesmith.

Maybe you haven't heard

there's a war on, Sergeant.

Boy, I guess she told you.

Win with Woodrow

Win with Woodrow

Good morning, all.

Good morning, Mama.

Good morning, darling. I

hope you all had a good night.

Well, well, how about a stack of

your famous flannel cakes, Mama?

Light as a feather and put

together by fairy hands.

Taste their crunchy, brunchy,

munchiness. Ask your grocer.

Good morning, boys. Good

morning, Sergeant Heppelfinger.

Is everybody happy?

I trust your conscience didn't

keep you awake during the night.

You know, there's nothing

like a well-trained conscience.

Now, you take the conscience in its

wild or native form when first trapped...

What is it? What's the

matter, am I unpleasant?

Is the reason for my unpopularity

at last revealed as in a vision?

I was wondering if you'd been guzzling

some more of that cooking wine.

Guzzling at this hour of the

morning. Sergeant, you offend me.

What happened? Did somebody

leave you some dough or something?

Because I'm happy?

Now, wouldn't you be happy if you were

about to become the mayor of this fair city?

Not large, mind you,

but fascinating.

Lives there a man with a soul so

dead who never to himself hath said...

Good morning, Libby.

Won't you join us

in a stack of collision mats,

as they say in the good old

Marine Corps, and a cup of jamoke?

Thank you.

Good morning, Mrs. Truesmith.

Good morning, dear.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning, Woodrow.

Good morning.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Never felt better in my life.

Just call me Mr. Mayor.

Oh, you got over all that nonsense,

then? What nonsense was that?

I mean about never having been

in Guadalcanal and all that stuff.

I said such a thing? Well, I

certainly understood you to.

But how could I?

I'm a great hero. People

run when they see me coming.

I kill Nips with a wave of

the hand. I blow them down.

I shoot them from all angles, backwards,

forwards, while looking in mirrors.

I swim into the water

and drown them like rats.

I pick up a machine gun and...

I got it.

You got what? He's playing

Daffy Dill from Dopeyville.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I invite an investigation.

I'm as sane as a Dane,

and I'm going to be mayor.

Are you sure you feel all right,

Woodrow? There you are, Libby.

What are you talking about,

dear? I'll tell you one thing.

I certainly feel a lot better

than I did yesterday.

Aha.

I'll get it, dear.

What are you trying to pull?

You'll find out.

Yes? Hello. This is the

Marine base in San Diego.

Is Corporal Truesmith there?

Yes.

Woodrow, Marine base in San

Diego wants to talk to you.

To me?

Now, whatever could the Marine base

in San Diego want to talk to me about?

I'd better find out.

All ready, Woodrow?

In just one moment.

Good morning, all.

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