Hail the Conquering Hero Page #11

Good morning, Judge.

Good morning, Dr. Bissell.

Hello? Yes, yes, this is

Corporal Truesmith speaking.

What's that?

Oh, yes, sir, Colonel.

What's that you say?

Oh, excuse me, Colonel, I'm

naturally so excited to hear that

that I just naturally forgot

who I was talking to.

Yeah. Well, don't forget to

save me some breakfast, will you?

I probably shouldn't be doing this at

all, and if the gang ever finds out...

Yes, sir, Colonel,

I certainly will.

And I'm awfully grateful to you for

calling me and for taking me back.

Thank you, Colonel, sir.

Goodbye.

Woodrow. Well, what

do you know about that?

Know about what?

What a small world.

They're taking me back into the

Marine Corps for limited service

and I have to leave

for San Diego at once.

But the parade.

The rally.

The mayoralty. Aren't you

going to be our new mayor?

I'm sorry, Judge.

The United States comes first.

They won't be sending you anywhere

dangerous anymore, will they?

Well, I should hope not,

after all he's been through.

It'll probably be just

some sort of clerical work,

you know,

like working in a shipyard

or an aeroplane factory,

you know, guarding things.

Then, why don't they leave

you here where we need you?

That's right.

That's one of the weaknesses

of the military viewpoint.

Doesn't always recognize the

importance of civilians in wartime.

You were

our only hope, Woodrow.

Well, I'm sorry, Judge, but

when duty calls, duty calls.

Do you have to leave

today, dear? I'm afraid so.

You'll ride in

the parade anyway, won't you?

Now that it's all dolled up

and everything?

Well, sure, but I don't see what good

it'll do. When duty calls, you gotta go.

Well, it might do some good.

Well, I certainly can't

refuse that.

Well, I'll see if

everything's ready then.

It's going to be more

like a funeral march.

Can I ride in the parade with

you, Woodrow? Just this last time?

Sure, if you think it'd be all

right. Of course it'll be all right.

I have the right

to say goodbye to you.

I'm sorry, Mama, but I just

can't do anything about it.

It'll be so lonely

without you.

Lay off.

Good morning.

Where you been?

Who, me? I was just

taking a little walk.

Since when do you

forget to have breakfast?

Well, I just...

Oh, you were just making a little

phone call to that dame in San Diego.

I got you, Colonel.

Well, you know...

Hey!

Why you can't...

We're very sorry, it's nothing.

There's just a little feeling there.

Lay off, will you?

You can settle it later.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You meant that for me,

didn't you? What about it?

You think I'm afraid, huh?

Well, I'm sure glad I wasn't

ever in a foxhole with you.

Let him go.

You yellow...

Let him go!

Go find a woman to fight with.

That's all you know how to hurt.

Come on, kid.

Parades, statues, burning

mortgages... I subscribed to that.

So did I, for that matter,

but I mean to say...

Save your voice, Evvy.

For what? I mean to say,

I have nothing

against the boy personally.

A hero is a fine thing in

its place. You mean in a park.

I don't mean that at all.

I don't wish this young man

anything but success

in what he can do best,

but what can he do best?

If you ask me, I think...

That is our problem.

I speak not as your candidate for

mayor, but as the most humble voter.

Get me a glass of water,

will you?

Why don't you save your

voice? Why don't you shut up?

I mean to say, this problem

is not local. It's national.

In a few years, if the

war goes on, heaven forbid,

you won't be able to swing a cat

without knocking down a couple of heroes.

Now, are we going to be

governed by young men,

very young men, however well-meaning

or patriotic they may be,

whose principal talent consists of

hopping in and out of wolf holes...

Foxholes.

Huh?

They're called foxholes.

Talent consists of hopping

in and out of foxholes

and killing hundreds of enemies

with one swoop of the sword?

Or are we going to be governed by

respectable civic leaders of mature age

who do not seek the appointment,

but accept it as a civic duty?

I refer to men like,

well, myself.

Up our hero goes

and down this zero goes

'Cause we want Woodrow

for our mayor

We want Woodrow

We want Woodrow

We want Woodrow for our mayor

Win with Woodrow

Win with Woodrow

Let's give Everett the air

Up with Woodrow

Down with Noble

Let's get Everett

off the chair

Up our hero goes and down

Isn't it exciting, Evvy? They'll

find out whether it's exciting or not.

Hold your horses.

What's the matter now?

Have you got a wire for me?

Yeah.

Howdy, Mr. Mayor.

How are you?

If I can just remember

where I put it.

What kind of wire? Can you

remember where it came from?

Well, let me see. It's

San Diego. Oh, boy.

You're a big help.

I'm sorry, Evvy.

Why don't you watch

what you're doing?

But, then, how could he

have been in the Guadalcanal?

That's just it. He wasn't.

He wasn't?

No. Well, then. Then,

he's a fraud, a faker.

He ought to be tarred

and feathered, oh, boy!

Who's a fraud and a faker?

Save your voice, Evvy.

Who's a fraud and a faker?

Your hero!

I don't believe it.

You don't believe it? Come on!

Now, be careful.

We want Woodrow

We want Woodrow for our mayor

Win with Woodrow

Win with Woodrow

Let's give Everett the air

I wonder if this would be

rubbing it in a little, eh?

It says, "Help yourself. " Well,

there's still plenty of time.

Everett, I just have a feeling you're

going to make an ass of yourself,

and I'm just going to pretend

I don't know you.

I wish you didn't have to

pretend. Save your voice, Evvy.

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please!

And if the band will

kindly cease for one moment,

we will be able

to hear the address

we are all so anxious to hear.

Quiet.

The first speaker will be

our beloved Judge Dennis.

Yesterday morning, seven

Marines got off the northbound.

Six of them were

strangers to us.

One, a local boy

who had made good.

Yesterday afternoon,

we asked this local boy

to cast his lot with ours.

You might call us the unvested or

shirtsleeve interests of the town.

Shall we do it now, or let him

linger? Let him have his moment.

Quiet.

To cast his lot with ours

and lead us to victory.

I'm going to ask Woodrow himself

to tell you the rest of the story.

Oh, come now.

I came here this morning

to say goodbye to you,

to tell you that I have been called back

into the Marine Corps for limited service,

and that for that reason I

would be unable to run for mayor.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

Hooray!

You'd better save your hoorays

for somebody else.

For somebody

who deserves them.

Like Doc Bissell here, who's

tried for so long to serve you,

only you didn't know a

good man when you saw one.

So, you always elected

a phony instead.

Oh, I am, am I? Well, let me

tell you something, young man.

Save your voice, Evvy.

You'll find out.

Everett, you're making

a spectacle of yourself.

Will you kindly...

Until a still-bigger phony

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