Hail the Conquering Hero Page #6

Nothing you can put your finger on exactly,

but a kind of something you can feel.

It's like

the town was selfish.

Everybody thinking about little

profits and how not to pay the taxes

and reasons for not buying

bonds and not working too hard

and not working at night because

it's nicer in the daytime.

All things that are

all right in peacetime.

Things you used to call

thrift and relaxation

that made many a fortune, but things

that are plain dishonest in wartime.

That's right.

The motto of this town is

"Business as usual,"

but a lot of us feel

wartime ain't a usual time

and that business as usual

is dishonest.

That's why we need

an honest man for mayor.

An honest man who will wake

us up and tell us the truth

about something

he knows all about.

An honest man who will tell

us the truth and who can win.

We got an honest man

who'll tell us the truth,

but nobody votes for him

except his brother and his wife.

And I'm not even

sure about her.

I have everything

but popularity.

In other words, Woodrow, we want

you to take Doc Bissell's place.

The right shall prevail.

Right.

But I'm not a veterinary. I hardly

know one end of a horse from another.

We want you to run for mayor,

Woodrow, in the coming election.

You want me to run for mayor?

Three cheers for the new

mayor. Hip, hip, hip...

Hooray!

Hip, hip, hip...

Hooray!

You're making a...

Hip, hip, hip...

Hooray!

Bring him out!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you our new Mayor!

First we will have

a few words from Doc Bissell.

I'm going to be

even briefer than usual.

You know what I stand for in this

town. You know what I'm against.

Our party is fortunate in having

found a worthier standard-bearer

than I have ever been

or ever could be.

A man who fought for you overseas. A

man who will fight for you here and win!

For the good of our party,

for the good of our town

and its war effort,

for the good of

the United States of America,

I herewith ask you

to vote for Corporal Woodrow

Lafayette Pershing Truesmith!

Before introducing

the principal speaker,

I wish to point out that he

appears before you not as a hero,

not with decorations

he so heroically won

and so richly deserves,

but as a simple citizen,

a hometown boy back home!

I need say no more of the

character of this young man

than that he refused

to wear his medals!

Ladles and gentlemen,

I give you Mr. Truesmith!

No, no!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I wish I were dead.

You're making a big mistake!

Oh, no!

I love my mother very much.

He has a natural flair

for politics.

But she shouldn't have

told you I was coming home

and made all that fuss

at the station.

I really don't deserve it.

Go on! You betcha!

There are many, many men,

any one of

these young men, for instance,

far, far more deserving

than myself.

The medals that

you saw pinned on me

you could practically say

were pinned on by mistake.

I want you to believe me.

I've known all of you

all my life.

I've mowed your lawns.

I've delivered milk

for your babies.

I even know the dogs and cats.

The milk-and-baby part

is remarkable.

After that

he could be president.

Nothing would be dearer to my heart than

to be worthy of the honor you offer me.

I wish I could accept it.

You bet!

I'm no hero!

I haven't had Dr. Bissell's

long experience with animals.

There is the man for you!

No, no, no.

I thank you.

For heaven's sakes,

I never saw so many things

happen in one day in my life.

That was wonderful, wonderful!

Oh, my son. Wonderful!

That's as fine

a political speech

as I've heard since Bryan

and the crown of thorns.

You don't need any lessons

from me, Woodrow.

If I might make

one suggestion, Woodrow.

I wouldn't play down the hero

part quite so much hereafter.

But I'm not a hero.

Modesty notwithstanding.

They like it, you know.

Anyway, the Sergeant's taking

care of that part of it.

The Sergeant's

taking care of...

Hereafter?

What are you talking about?

a couple of

things about Woodrow.

What the...

I don't know just how

he's gonna take this.

In fact, he's so modest, I'm pretty

sure he ain't gonna like it at all.

In fact, I may get quite a sock

on the jaw before I'm through.

What's he saying?

Anyway, I'm just going to give

you one sample of his courage

and his resourcefulness.

Good!

I'm gonna tell you

how he saved my life.

What's the matter with him?

He can't do that.

No, no, no, Woodrow. Relax.

We're on the beach,

see, at Tanaru Bay.

All of a sudden we hear,

"Here they come! Take cover!"

And out of the jungle come 200, maybe

300 Japs preceded by a hail of bullets.

I turn,

and my foot catches in a...

I didn't see exactly what it was.

I was kind of in a hurry, see?

But I'm stuck. I'm lost.

Now a voice says,

"Keep cool, pal. "

And beside me I see Woodrow!

Not yet! Not yet!

Everything is all right.

That's doing you

a lot of good.

I tell you I'm not running for

mayor. You're not running for mayor?

Why, you couldn't stop from

being mayor of this town if you...

Don't drink that, Woodrow. Don't

drink that. It's cooking wine.

Well, I'm cooked.

Zing, he got another one!

Zang, another one hits the deck!

Zowie! He clubs two of them

with the butt end of his gun!

We duck, and we run another

little piece, then drop!

Zing, zing, and two more

brown brothers bite the dust!

Now he picks up a machine gun.

But the Japs kept coming,

and he kept firing.

The machine gun got hot.

His hands were burning,

but Woodrow stuck to his post.

I managed to get near him,

then I got hit.

As I'm laying there,

somebody pulls me to safety.

I open my eyes,

and who do I see but Woodrow!

Once again, fellow citizens,

you have chosen me

to be your Major. Applause.

And once again,

I accept the charge.

Make that responsibility.

I accept the responsibility...

Make that deep responsibility.

I accept

the deep responsibility...

No, just make that

plain responsibility.

I wish you'd make up your mind. What?

And don't go so fast.

I don't know how to do this.

Then, why isn't Libby here?

She'll be back.

She's still getting paid

as my secretary,

you know,

no matter who she marries.

What do you mean,

no matter who she marries?

I mean, even if

she is engaged to you.

Now, where was I?

"Once again, fellow citizens,

"you have chosen me

to be your Major, applause.

"And once again,

I accept the charge.

"Make that responsibility.

I accept the responsibility.

"Make that deep responsibility.

I accept the deep responsibility.

"No, just make that

plain responsibility. "

Are you simple-minded

or something?

I accept the responsibility with a sense of

both humility, satisfaction and gratitude.

You dictated plain

responsibility. That's right!

That means responsibility

without adjectives.

Jumping Jehoshaphat!

Now, where was I?

Don't tell me!

I accept the responsibility with a

sense of both humility, satisfaction

and gratitude.

You can't say both humility,

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