Hail the Conquering Hero Page #7

satisfaction and gratitude.

Both means two.

And you have humility, satisfaction

and gratitude. That's three.

I can't say it?

You cannot.

I've been saying it for years.

Well, it isn't correct grammar.

I'm not running on a platform

of correct grammar.

I even let my grammar

slop over a little, sometimes.

You certainly do!

Purposely!

It gives that homey feeling,

horny hands and honest hearts!

Now, where was I?

"With a sense of both humility,

satisfaction and gratitude. "

All right, take out humility.

Leave it in.

Take it out!

Will you do as I tell you instead of

sitting there a like a stuffed nincompoop

trying to annoy me just because your

girlfriend is out with somebody else?

What?

Now, where was I?

"With a sense of both

satisfaction and gratitude. "

And humility.

Well, what are you gaping at?

Nothing.

Well, cut it out. Now...

Well, it's about time.

I'm sorry.

I'll take it, Forrest.

I trust the conquering hero

is home, and that's that.

Yes, sir.

Have you been crying?

Now, let's get this speech out of

the way without further interruptions.

Dictating to my son is

like dictating to a sponge.

Mr. Noble,

before you go any...

I said without further

interruptions, if you please.

If it's all the same to you.

Yes, sir.

What were you crying about?

You can fight that out later.

Now, where was I?

"With a sense of both humility,

satisfaction and gratitude. "

You can't say that.

I can't say it?

Both means two,

and you have...

Will you be so kind as to permit

me to dictate my own speech?

I'm sorry.

Well.

As President and owner

of the Noble Chair Company,

Seats of all Descriptions,

I am to most of you...

Make that many of you.

Or make it some of you.

Your employer,

but as Mayor of our fair city,

I am to all of you your servant.

That's a nice twist.

Mine not to reason why.

Mine but to...

Do or die.

When I want your assistance,

I'll ask for it.

Mine but to...

Well, what are you looking at?

Nothing.

Well, cut it out.

Mine but to...

What's all that hollering

down the street?

It's for Woodrow. That's

what I was trying to tell you.

You see, Doc Bissell and

the rest of them came up...

Well, I suppose that's natural,

so long as they don't overdo it.

Now... "Mine not to reason

why. Mine but to... "

Hearken and obey.

Heaven knows I did not

seek this distinction,

but since you force it upon

me, what alternative have I?

Save your voice, Evvy.

What? What's the matter?

Bissell's just retired in favor

of Woodrow, the local hero.

In favor of Woodrow,

the local hero?

We got a fight on our hands. You

mean that I welcomed at the station?

That's right. Now you

have some real opposition.

That boy made

the loveliest speech.

Wasn't it thrilling, Libby? Will

you kindly shut up for a minute?

You mean he's running

for Mayor? That's right.

He was so shy and embarrassed,

but at the same time so manly...

Will you kindly... You mean

running for Mayor against me?

That's what I was trying

to tell you. Will you...

But he can't do that with the

election only two days off.

He can. He has.

You'll have a chance

to use all your oratory, dear.

He most certainly cannot.

Why, that's entirely illegal.

Why, if such were the case, I mean to

say, why, any loose character whatsoever

fresh from the penitentiary

could come along...

Loose character, Mr. Noble?

Woodrow doesn't happen to be

a loose character,

and he's fresh from the battlefield,

not from the penitentiary.

That was a figure of speech.

Well, I don't care for it.

Father didn't mean it

the way it sounded.

Well, maybe Father did.

Which side are you on, anyway?

The romantic side,

of course, dear.

Because I don't want any spies

in my office. Father, please.

Everett, for heaven's sakes.

He doesn't mean that, Libby.

Oh, yes, I do.

Well, if you don't want me

around your office,

you certainly don't

have to have me.

This is your daughter,

you old idiot.

This is your son's fiance.

She isn't my fiance.

When I lose confidence

in people...

She's gonna live in

your house with you.

She's isn't gonna live in my house with

me. I'll move into the doghouse first.

Then, goodbye, Mr. Noble. Goodbye,

Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is.

Libby, for heaven's sake...

That's right, abandon the

shinking sip... Sinking ship.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself,

Evvy? You're not sunk yet.

You're very popular

in some quarters.

Anyway, the whole thing

is entirely illegal.

Why, his name isn't even on

the ballot. It don't have to be.

He's a write-in candidate. That's what

that blank space at the bottom is for.

Well, that most certainly

is not what it's for.

It's to count them with...

It's to put the date on.

You call my lawyer.

I'm calling him now,

but you can take it from me,

this is a free country. They

can vote for anybody they like.

But that's disgraceful!

I know, but that's how it is, and

the way it is, it don't look so good.

You mean

he actually has a chance?

A chance?

Did you ever see a snowslide?

Hello. Max?

I guess we all

are a little bit.

Talking that way about a boy

who risked his life

so the Noble Chair Company

can make its 12%.

"Business as usual. "

The Noble Chair Company

makes 24%,

just enough to cover its taxes,

but he doesn't mean it, Libby.

Politicians always talk

that way about each other.

Woodrow is probably calling Father

an old windbag right this minute.

Well, if he is, he's right.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. We all are

a little upset, I guess.

You weren't going to stay on

as Father's secretary, anyway,

after our marriage,

so what does it matter?

What was I going to do?

Stay home and weave?

Well, you might stay home

and take care of your children

with the servant problem

as it is.

Well, thank you for warning

me. Do you mean that?

Oh, of course I don't mean it.

I don't mean anything,

but that ass of

a father of yours

going around talking about people

he doesn't know anything about.

You're still talking about

your children's grandfather.

What are you trying to do,

depress me?

If I thought they'd look

anything like him...

Well, I don't look

anything like him.

I've noticed that.

I pin my hopes on it.

We're getting a little

disagreeable again, aren't we?

We seem to be.

Maybe now that the hero is home, you

feel a little differently about me.

No, I don't.

I feel exactly the same about

you that I've always felt.

That you're upright and honorable

and tall and handsome and wealthy

and exactly what any girl in

her right mind would hope for.

Thank you.

I just wish Woodrow hadn't come

home exactly when he did, that's all.

What's he got to do with us?

Oh, nothing.

It just spoils things a little,

that's all. Why should it?

Or do you think

I ought to offer you to him,

like the keys to the city,

on a silver platter?

Oh, don't talk

like an idiot.

And say, "Here, O noble hero,

it happens to be my fiance,

"but I'm only a civilian after all, so if

you'd rather have her, just help yourself.

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